Never Knowing

to pace in short jerky directions like she wanted to run but didn’t know where to go.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it getting out. That’s the last thing I wanted. I only told a private investigator, and then my sister because I was upset, but I don’t know how it got leaked.”

“You hired a private investigator.” She shook her head and squeezed her eyes closed. When she opened them, they looked desperate.

“What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything.” But it wasn’t true. And now she’d never give me what I really wanted.

“Do you know how long it took for me to build a life here?” she said. “You’ve ruined everything.”

Her words crashed into me and I almost stepped back from the blow. She was right, I had ruined everything. And it was about to get worse. The next part would terrify her even more, but it had to be said. I braced myself.

“I came here today because I thought you should know a man called me this morning. He said … he said he’s my real father. He recognized your photo and he said he had your earrings.”

She was completely still, the only movement her pupils dilating. Then she began to shake as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.

“They were a gift from my parents. Pearls. Pink ones with silver leaf backings, for my graduation.” Her voice caught and she swallowed hard. “I was worried about wearing them camping, but my mother said beautiful things were to be enjoyed.” He did take her earrings. I remembered the man’s voice, the way he spoke about his daughter. My blood whooshed in my ears as I stared at her, trying to think of what to say, trying not to think about what this meant.

Finally I found some words. “I’m … I’m sorry he took them.”

Her eyes met mine. “He said thank you.” She looked away again. “The police never revealed to the public that he took my earrings. They told me they’d catch him.” She shook her head. “Then I found out I was pregnant. But I couldn’t kill it. So I changed my name and moved away. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. But every time he murders someone, the police find me. One of them told me I was the lucky one.” She laughed bitterly, then looked back at me.

“I’ve lived in terror for thirty-five years that he’s going to find me. I haven’t slept one night without waking up from a dream that he’s still chasing me.” Her voice quivered. “You found me, he can find me.” For once her expression wasn’t guarded and I could see the raw pain in her eyes. I could see her. Every broken piece. This poor woman had lived in fear for so long — and now she had even more because of me.

I stepped closer. “I’m really—”

“You should go.” Her face had closed down again.

“Okay, sure. Do you want my number?”

She said, “I have it.” The patio doors closed behind her with a solid click.

That night Evan came home and I told him we needed to talk, but we didn’t get a chance until Ally and Moose were in bed and we’d collapsed on the couch. Evan sat with his legs up on the coffee table, and I sat at the opposite end with my arms wrapped around my knees. He was upset about the second call but glad I’d gone straight to the police. When I told him I’d also gone to see Julia he just shook his head. But he really didn’t like hearing about the earrings.

“If he calls again — don’t answer it.”

“That’s what the cops said too.”

“I don’t like that this is happening and I have to leave on Monday. Maybe I should get one of the other guides to take this group.”

“I thought everyone was away.”

He rubbed his jaw. “Frank might be able to do it, but he’s only been out once on his own and it’s a big group. They come back every year.”

Evan had worked for years to build his lodge’s reputation to the point where he was booked every summer. But one bad trip with an inexperienced guide or, worse, an accident, and his business was toast.

“You have to take them.”

“Maybe you should stay at your parents’ or Lauren’s.”

I considered the idea for a moment, then said, “I don’t want to tell Dad about the call yet, not until we know more. He’ll just take over and stress me out. And I don’t want to worry Lauren either. Greg’s at camp, so I wouldn’t be any safer over there. She’s got kids to think about too.” Evan still looked unsure, but he said, “Okay, I’ll put the shotgun under the bed and a baseball bat by the front door. Make sure you lock up every night, and take your cell if you go for a walk—”

“Baby, I’m not stupid. I’m going to be careful until the police figure out what’s going on.”

Evan ran a warm hand up my thigh. “I’m here to protect you tonight.…”

I raised an eyebrow. “Trying to distract me?”

“Maybe.” He smiled.

I shook my head. “I have too much on my mind right now.”

Evan pounced on me, growling into my neck. “Let me help with that.” As he tried to kiss me I moved my face to the side, but he held my head in place by the back of my hair, teasing my mouth with his. My thoughts started to settle and my body began to relax. I focused on the feel of his shoulder muscles flexing under my hand. Of our mouths open, tongues playing. I unzipped his jeans and used my foot to drag them down. We laughed as they caught on his ankles, but he kicked them free. He hooked his hand into my pajama bottoms and peeled them off, giving my ass a quick smack that earned him a fake yelp. I lightly punched his shoulder. We kissed for a few minutes.

Then the phone rang.

Into my neck Evan said, “Leave it.” And I did, but as I nuzzled his ear and grabbed at his butt, my mind was busy. Was it the Campsite Killer? The police? Did Julia call? Evan stopped kissing my collarbone and rested on me for a moment. I could feel his heart beating fast. He leaned up on his elbows and gave me a slow kiss, then said, “Go see who called.” I made denial noises. He gave me a look as he sat up and reached for his pants. “I know it’s killing you.” I gave him a sheepish smile, then dashed to the kitchen.

It was just Lauren, calling to chat about the boys, but for the rest of the weekend we both jumped every time the phone rang. Evan left Monday morning, but not until he lectured me on safety again. That afternoon I got a call from a private number. My body tense, I waited until it went to voice mail. Staff Sergeant Dubois wanted me to call back as soon as possible.

Staff Sergeant Mark Dubois turned out to be extremely tall — at least six-foot-four — and genial, despite his intimidating height and deep voice.

“Hi, Sara. Thanks for coming in.” He sat behind an enormous L-shaped desk and waved me into the seat in front. “Have you received any more strange calls?”

I shook my head. “But I saw my birth mother on Friday and she said the earrings the Campsite Killer took were pearls. They were a grad gift from her mother.”

The sergeant said, “Hmm…,” then clicked his tongue against his teeth. “We’d like to interview you, but this time we’re going to audio-and videotape it. Is that all right?”

“I guess.”

The sergeant led me down the hallway and into another room. This one was friendlier, with an overstuffed sofa, a lamp, and a painting of a seascape on the wall. There was also a camera in the upper corner. I settled at one end of the couch and the sergeant sat at the other, throwing a long arm up to rest on the back.

The questions were basically the same as the policewoman asked on Friday, but his tone was pleasant — conversational — and I opened up more. I even told him about my last visit with Julia and her emotional reaction.

“Good job, Sara,” he said with a smile after I was done. “This is going to be a big help to us.” His face turned