Never Knowing

serious. “But I’m afraid we need to tap your phone and—”

“So you do think it was him?” I cringed at the desperate tone in my voice.

“We don’t know yet, but the Campsite Killer is a high-priority case and we need to take every lead seriously. Until we can confirm it was just a prank, our first concern is your safety. We’ll have a DVERS installed in your house as soon as possible.” “A what?”

“Domestic Violence Emergency Response System. It’s an alarm system we use when we feel the victim’s at risk.”

I’m a victim now.

“The private investigator you hired is a retired policeman, but we haven’t been able to locate him yet for an interview. We’d prefer you not have any contact with him about this case. In the next couple of days, two members of the Serious Crimes Unit in Vancouver will come over to the island and talk to you.” “Why can’t Nanaimo just deal with it?”

“The Serious Crimes Unit has more members and greater resources. The suspect is potentially responsible for some horrific crimes. If that’s who’s calling you, then obviously we’d like to apprehend him, but we need to make sure we don’t jeopardize you or your family while we’re doing it.” Fear shot down my legs. “Should I send my daughter somewhere?”

“He hasn’t made any direct threats and we try not to separate families, but I suggest you go over some basic safety rules with her. Your husband’s away right now?”

“Fiance—we’re getting married in September. He already knows about the call, but should I tell my family?”

“It’s very important you not discuss this with anyone — including family — and your fiance also needs to keep it to himself. We can’t risk a leak to the media and the suspect finding out about the investigation.”

“But what if my family’s in danger too?”

“At this point he hasn’t indicated he wants to harm anyone. If there’s a threat, we’ll take the appropriate measures. Someone will be at your house tomorrow morning to tap your phone, and ADT will wire it for the alarm. In the meantime, if he calls, don’t answer, and contact me immediately.” He handed me his card. “Do you have any questions?” “I guess not. It’s all just so … surreal.”

He stood up and gave my shoulder a quick squeeze.

“You did the right thing by talking to us.”

I nodded like I believed him.

That night, while Ally played outside with Moose, I kept watch through the sliding glass door as I peeled carrots and listened to the TV playing behind me. When the local news came on, I almost cut myself. Sure enough, their lead story was Karen Christianson. They showed shots of the university — bunnies nibbling grass on the front lawn, noisy students in the cafeteria, a classroom door — while a newscaster said a professor had been identified as Karen Christianson, the Campsite Killer’s only surviving victim. They didn’t give my name, just said that Karen was rumored to have a daughter living in Nanaimo who couldn’t be reached for comment. The newscaster’s closing line was delivered in a somber voice. “As the days grow warmer, we can’t help but wonder where the Campsite Killer is now, and where he’ll be this summer.” That’s when I turned the TV off.

When Ally came back inside I told her we were going to play a game of “let’s pretend” and went over our safety rules. Evan and I had done this with her before, but this time every little detail mattered. Ally soon tired of the game, but I made her go over everything twice. What our code word is: Moose. That she’s not to go anywhere with an adult who doesn’t know it. What number on the phone is programmed to dial 911, what things the operator might ask, especially our address. And a new rule: she’s not to answer any phone, or open the door until an adult looks first. My heart stopped every time she forgot something.

When I snapped at her for answering the phone twenty minutes later, which turned out to be Lauren, she shut herself in her room and refused to talk to me. I made pancakes for dinner and wrote I’m sorry in blueberries. She got over it, but I still felt bad dropping her off at school this morning.

When I got home the police were waiting to tap my landline, and ADT arrived soon after to wire the house. They also showed me how to use the small personal alarm, which I’m supposed to wear around my neck. I don’t want Ally to ask about it, so I carry it in my purse. After everyone cleared out I stared at the alarm and my now- tapped phone, trying not to panic. How long is this going to last? I can’t even have a private conversation with Evan anymore — The phone rang.

Just go look. It’s probably not even him.

It rang again.

It might be the police.

Evan’s cell number. I let my breath out in a rush.

He said, “Hi, baby, I—” then broke off. Dead air. When I called back I got voice mail. Great, another dropped call. I slammed down the receiver. When it rang again I almost picked it right up, but at the last minute I noticed the call display. It was a pay phone. I held my breath and waited for it to stop ringing. He called back five times.

This time I phoned the police right away, Nadine, but the man didn’t leave a message, so we aren’t any further ahead. Sergeant Dubois said I still shouldn’t answer the calls until I talk to the Serious Crimes Unit people, and they can’t be on the island until tomorrow. They want me to come in first thing and give a DNA sample. That’s why I rescheduled our appointment for this afternoon. Well, that and because I can’t think straight.

I tried some of the techniques you suggested: going for a run, writing in a journal, meditating, humming to release the tight feeling in my throat — I even tried humming while meditating. The worst part about all of this is that I can’t tell my family, can’t talk to Lauren. You know me — I dump everything out, then figure out what to do. Thank God for Evan. We talked last night and he’s being super supportive, but I miss him so much. When he’s around I feel more focused, settled, like everything’s going to be okay.

Today Julia’s lawyer released a statement that she wasn’t Karen Christianson and had never given a child up for adoption. Anyone claiming otherwise would be faced with legal action. This morning after I dropped Ally off at school a reporter and a cameraman were waiting in my driveway. Taking my dad’s advice, I told them the statement was true, neither Julia Laroche nor Karen Christianson was my birth mother, and I’d sue if they printed anything about me or my family. Then I closed the door in their faces.

I understand why Julia lied — she’s trying to protect herself. In my case I’m trying to protect Ally, but it was weird reading that Julia denied she’d had me. It made me feel like I don’t exist or something. But that’s not such a bad thing right now. I’m not looking forward to the DNA test. If it matches with the DNA they have on file from the crime scenes, then all of this will be real. I keep hoping it won’t match. Maybe there was a mix-up with the adoption records and I’m not Julia’s daughter after all. I could only be so lucky.

SESSION SIX

I can’t remember the last time I picked up a tool. I snapped at Lauren the other day, and all she asked was whether I’d sent out invitations yet. But if I even think about making a guest list, my mind blanks.

When I tried to talk to Evan about it he said we might want to consider postponing the wedding until things settle down. You can imagine how well that went over. He does have a point — the timing is a nightmare — but I waited my whole life to feel the way I do when I’m with Evan. I didn’t know men like him even existed. He’s so nurturing, bringing me food when I’m in my workshop, pouring baths when I have a headache, yet he’s strong