Still Missing

'Dad.'

We were both quiet for a moment.

'When Dwight was released, we were going to be together, we just needed money. But he got caught again, so I told him I had to move on and I did, I married Wayne.' She shook her head. 'It wasn't until you were going to get the project that I thought things might get better for me. But then I heard Christina was who you had to go up against. She was a much better Realtor.' Her breath hissed out between her teeth. 'If you lost, Val was going to lord it over me for the rest of my life.'

'So you decided to ruin mine instead?'

'My plan would've helped you--you would've been set for life. But nothing worked out right. Wayne was useless but Dwight at least tried to do something.'

'Did he rob that store for you?'

She nodded. 'I gave that movie producer your number, but you were wasting time and I needed a payment for the loan shark. I don't know where Dwight is now.'

'Don't you care at all about what you put me through?'

'I hate what that man did to you, but you were only supposed to be gone for a week, Annie. What happened after was an accident.'

'How the hell can you say this was an accident? You hired a man who raped me, who caused the death of my child!'

'It was like when you wanted ice cream, you asked your dad to go to the store.'

It took a moment for her words to register, even longer for me to find my voice.

'You're talking about the accident.'

She nodded. 'You didn't mean for them to die.'

All the breath left my body as my chest constricted. The pain was so intense I wondered for a moment if I was having a heart attack, then I broke out in a cold sweat and started shaking. I searched her face, hoping I'd misunderstood, but she looked satisfied--vindicated.

My eyes filled with tears as I choked out, 'You--you do blame me for their deaths. That's what this was all really about, you--'

'Of course not.'

'You do. You always have.' I was crying now. 'That's why you thought it was okay to--'

'You're not listening, Annie. I know you just wanted ice cream--you didn't plan for getting it to kill them. And I never meant for anything bad to happen to you, I just wanted Val to stop lording it over me.'

I was still reeling from that when she said, 'But she won't be for long. A lawyer is coming to talk to me tomorrow.' She stood up and started pacing in front of the table. I noticed the color was back in her cheeks. 'I'll tell him what it was like to grow up with Val as a sister, what she did with our stepfather, what my life was like after I got kicked out, how she's always put me down--that's verbal abuse.' She stopped abruptly and turned to face me. 'I wonder if she'll come to court. Then she'd have to sit there and watch while my lawyer--'

'Mom, if you take this to trial it's going to wreck my whole life again. I'm going to have to talk about what happened. I'm going to have to describe how he raped me.'

She kept pacing. 'That's it! We have to get her on the stand so she has to describe what she did.'

'MOM.' She stopped and looked at me.

I said, 'Don't do this to me.'

'This isn't about you, Annie.'

I opened my mouth to argue, then froze as her words hit home. She was right. In the end it didn't matter whether she'd done it for the money, to get attention, or to beat her sister once and for all. None of it was about me. It had never been about me. Not with her or with The Freak. I didn't even know which one was more dangerous.

As I stood up and walked toward the door she said, 'Where are you going?'

'Home.' I kept walking.

'Annie, stop.'

I spun around, braced for the tears, the I'm-so-sorry's, the don't-leave-me-here's.

She said, 'Don't say anything to anybody before I get a chance. It has to be handled just right or--'

'Holy shit, you really don't get it, do you?'

She stared at me blankly.

I shook my head. 'And you're never fucking going to.'

'When you come back, bring me a newspaper so I can--'

'I'm not coming back, Mom.'

Her eyes were huge. 'But I need you, Annie Bear.'

I rapped on the door and said, 'Oh, I think you'll be just fine,' as the waiting cop opened it. While he locked Mom back in, I stumbled to a bench against the opposite wall. After he was done, he asked me if I was okay and did I want him to get Gary. I said I just needed a couple of minutes, and he left me alone.

I counted blocks on the wall until my pulse settled down, then walked out of the station.

The papers found out about my visit to the jail, and the next day's headlines screamed speculations. Christina left a message for me to call her day or night if I needed to talk. She tried to hide it, but I could tell from her tone she was hurt I hadn't told her myself I'd gone to see Mom. Aunt Val also left a hesitant-sounding message, making me wonder how much she knew. But I didn't call either of them back, I didn't call any of the people who left if-you-need-to-talk messages back. What was there to talk about? It was over. Mom did it--the end.

A couple of days later I put the brochure for the art school on my night table. When I saw it the next morning I thought, Fuck it, if I'm going to follow my dream I need money, so I caved and called that movie chick. We had a good talk. I was right, she did seem to have some sensitivity and it sounded like she would respect my wishes. Even though she's Hollywood, she talks like a normal person.

There's a part of me that still doesn't want a movie, but I know one will get made, and if anyone is going to benefit from a movie about my life, it might as well be me. Plus, it's not really about me, just the Hollywood version of me--by the time it hits the screen it'll just be a movie. Not my life.

I agreed to meet with the movie chick and her boss in a week. They're talking some big numbers, big enough that I should be able to live comfortably for the rest of my life.

As soon as I got off the phone, I called Christina. I knew she'd think I was calling to talk about Mom, so when I told her I was finally going away to art school, I took her silence for surprise. But when the silence continued, I said, 'Remember? The one in the Rockies I was always talking about in high school?'

'I remember. I just don't know why you're going now.'

Her tone was casual but I felt the undercurrent of disapproval. Even back then she never really encouraged my going away to school, but I thought it was just because she'd miss me. I didn't know what the reason was this time, but I knew I didn't want to hear it.

'Because I want to,' I said. 'And I'd really like it if you listed my house for me.'

'Your house? You're selling your house already? Are you sure you don't want to just rent it for--'

'I'm sure. And I want to spend the next couple of weeks fixing it up, but I'd like to get the paperwork out of the way soon, so when can you come over?'

She was silent for a bit, then said, 'I could probably swing by on the weekend.'

The next Saturday morning she came over. While we filled out the forms, I told her about the school, how I couldn't wait to go, how I was going to drive there the next day to check it out, how nice it was going to be to leave all this shit behind. She didn't say anything negative, but her responses were subdued.

Business out of the way, we sat side by side on my front porch steps in the morning sun. There was something else I wanted to talk about.

I said, 'I think I know what you were really trying to tell me that night you came over to make me paint.' Her eyes widened and a flush rose in her cheeks. 'You can just let go of it. I'm not mad at you--or Luke. Shit happens.'