Still Missing

'It was just once, I swear,' she said in a flustered voice. 'We'd been drinking, it didn't mean anything. We were both so upset about you, and nobody else understood what we were feeling....'

'It's okay. Honest. We all did stuff through this that we regret, but I don't even want you to regret this one. Maybe it needed to happen or something. But it doesn't matter anymore.'

'Are you sure, because I feel so--'

'I'm over it, really. Now will you get over it, please?' I bumped her shoulder with mine and made a silly face. She made one back, then we lapsed into silence as we watched a young couple with a stroller pass the end of my driveway.

'I heard your mom has been telling people I was trying to beat you out of the project before you were abducted,' she said after a while.

'Yeah, she said your assistant told a friend of hers or something that you were my competition all along, but I know it was probably just another of her lies.'

'Actually, she got part of it right. They did ask me to put together a proposal for them and we met a couple of times. I knew they were talking to someone from another company, but I didn't know you were also going out for it until you mentioned it one day. I pulled out of the running right away and they didn't contact me again until after you were missing.'

'You pulled out? Why?'

'There's business, and then there's good business. Your friendship was more important to me.'

'I wish you'd told me, I'd have dropped out myself and let you go for it. You had way more experience and you'd waited longer for a deal like that.'

Christina said, 'That's why I didn't tell you--I knew we'd end up fighting over who was going to give it up!'

We broke out laughing, but then Christina grew quiet again as she surveyed my yard.

'This is such a great place.' Shit, I knew where this was going.

'Yes, it is, and I'm sure someone's really going to love it.'

'But you love it, Annie, and it just seems such a shame--'

'Christina, drop it.'

She was quiet for a moment, her body stiff beside me. Then she shook her head.

'No. Not this time. I've respected your wishes these last couple of months, sat by in silence while you struggled with all of this on your own, but I'm not going to let you run away, Annie.'

'Run away? Who the fuck said anything about running away? I'm finally getting my shit together, Christina. I thought you'd be happy.'

'Selling the house you love? Going to an art school in the Rockies when one of the top schools is an hour from here? That's not getting your shit together. You said it yourself, you're just leaving it all behind.'

'I've wanted to go to this school since I was a kid, and this house is a reminder of everything in my life, including my mom.'

'Exactly, Annie. You've wanted to run away from your mom since you were a kid. Do you think that's going to make the pain go away? You can't just erase everything that's happened to you like that.'

'Are you fucking kidding me? You think I'm trying to forget what happened to me?'

'Yeah, I think you are, but you can't. You think about it every day, don't you? And it kills me that you don't trust me enough to tell me about it. That you don't think I can handle it.'

'This isn't about you, this is about me. I can't handle it. I can barely talk about it with my shrink. And to say it out loud to someone who knows me, to say what he did, what I did...to see in your eyes...'

'Are you ashamed? Is that it? This wasn't your fault, Annie.'

'It is, don't you see? No, you wouldn't, you couldn't. Because you'd never let this happen to you.'

'That's what you think? Jesus, Annie, you survived a year with a madman, you had to kill him to escape, and I can't even leave my marriage.'

'Your marriage? What's wrong with your marriage?'

'Drew and I...it's not good. We're talking divorce.'

'Oh, shit, you never said...'

'You wanted it light, remember? Not much light about a marriage falling apart.' She shrugged. 'We'd been having problems before you were taken, but in the last year it's gotten worse.'

'Because of me?'

'Partly. I was just so consumed with trying to find you, but even before that...You know this business doesn't leave time for much else. I thought the new place might help, but...' She shrugged her shoulders again.

They'd bought a house a month before I was taken, and all she talked about was the new furniture they were shopping for together. I assumed they were doing great.

'So much has changed, Annie. After you disappeared I had nightmares every night for almost a month. I can't do any open houses. Last week a strange guy called to see a vacant home, and I referred him to a male Realtor.

'For a whole year everything was about trying to find you, then finally Drew talks me into taking that cruise and I wasn't here for you when you were in the hospital. Now that you're home, I still don't have you back--I miss you. And I can't avoid dealing with my marriage anymore. Drew wants to go to counseling, and I don't know what the fuck I want to do....'

She started crying. I stared at the grass and blinked back my own tears.

'This thing, this terrible thing, didn't just happen to you. It happened to everyone who cared about you, but it didn't just stop there, it happened to the whole town--even women across the country. Lots of people's lives have been changed, not just yours.'

I began counting blades of grass.

'None of this is your fault. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, other people are hurting too. That's why I understand why you want to run away, I want to run away myself, but you have to stand and face things. I love you, Annie, like a sister, but ever since I've known you, as much as you've let me in, you've kept me out. And now you're about to make that final cut altogether. You're giving up. Like he did....'

'He who?'

'The guy.'

'Holy shit, Christina, please tell me you aren't comparing me to that asshole.'

'But it was all too much for him, right? Living among people? So he ran away--'

'I'm not running away, I'm moving on and building myself a new life. Don't ever compare that to what he did. This conversation is over.'

She stared at me.

'In fact, I think you should leave.'

'See? There you go, running away. I'm making you feel something, and you can't stand it, can't face it, so the only thing you can do is push me away.'

I got up, walked into the house, and slammed the door behind me. A couple of minutes later I heard her car leave.

Gary called later that night to tell me they found the loan shark and are building a case against him. He also told me Mom's had a constant round of visitors and is giving interviews to just about anyone who asks.

'No surprise there,' I said. 'I've got one for you, though.' I told him how I was finally going to pursue my dream.

'Good for you, Annie! Sounds like you're on the right track.'

Glad he didn't see it Christina's way, I said, 'I'm getting there. What about you?'

'Been doing some thinking myself. One of the guys who trained me is starting a consulting company and wants me as a partner. I could live anywhere, travel, give speeches, take time off whenever I need it.'

'I thought you liked your job.'

'Me too, but after we wrapped up your case, I started wondering.... And then with the divorce...I don't know, just seems like a good time to make some changes.'

I laughed. 'Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I still have your coat, you know.'