Still Missing

miserable. 'It would be even worse if she'd gotten away with it,' I said, even though at that moment I had no idea whether it was true or not.

I needed to know that he was more than this man I had watched take down my mother.

'Tell me something no one knows about you.'

'What?'

'Just tell me something--anything.' We held eyes.

'Okay,' he said finally. 'Sometimes when I can't sleep, I get up and eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with a spoon.'

'Peanut butter, huh? I'll have to try that someday.'

'You should--it helps.'

We looked at each other a moment longer, then I got in my car and drove away. In my rearview mirror I saw him watching me until a couple of cops came up to him, clapped him on the back, and shook his hand. Guess there was some celebrating at the cop shop that day. When I glanced over I saw the pack of cards on the passenger seat and realized I was still wearing Gary's coat.

The papers got wind of things faster than my mom can pour a drink, and my phone's been ringing off the hook. I busted a reporter sneaking up to my window yesterday--Emma chased him away. I'm not just that girl who went missing, now I'm the girl whose mother had her abducted. I don't know if I can handle all this shit again.

Yesterday I called Luke because I wanted to tell him what was up before he read about it. He was at home and for a second I thought I heard a girl's voice in the background, but it may have just been the TV.

I told him what Mom had done and that she'd been arrested.

At first he was horrified, kept asking if I was sure, but when I repeated her side of the story he just said, 'Wow, she must be feeling pretty bad--sounds like it got totally out of control on her.'

He felt sorry for her? What about some righteous indignation on my behalf? I wanted to tell him off. But it just didn't matter anymore.

After I hung up the phone I stared at a picture of us on my mantel. We looked so happy.

The next day I called Christina and told her. She inhaled sharply, then said, 'Oh my God, Annie. Are you okay? No, how could you be? I'm coming right over. I'll bring a bottle of wine, is that enough? No, we need a case. Your mom? Your own mother did this?'

'Yeah, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself. Can we hold off on the wine? I just need...I just need a little time.'

She paused, then said, 'For sure, yes, of course, you call if you need me, though, okay? I'll drop everything and come right over.'

'I will, and thanks.'

I didn't tell Christina or Luke that I didn't really leave town, nor am I going to, and I'm sure not going to tell Christina my mom tried to incriminate her. For the last couple of days all I can hear is this constant keening sound in my mind. And I can't seem to stop crying.

SESSION TWENTY-SIX

Sorry I missed our last session, but I saw my mother and I needed some time to pick myself back up off the floor. You know, it's funny, but the night after I saw her I really wanted to sleep in the closet. I stood outside it for the longest time with my pillow in hand, but I knew opening that door would be going backward, so I lay back down on my bed and conjured up your office in my mind. I told myself I was resting on your couch and you were watching over me. That's how I fell asleep.

They brought Mom back into the same interrogation room and her eyes met mine briefly, then slid away as she sat down across from me. The sleeves and cuffs on the gray baggy coveralls she was wearing were rolled up and the color turned her skin to ash--it's been years since I've seen my mom with a bare face. Both corners of her mouth were drawn down, and without her bubble-gum-pink lip balm her lips were so pale they blended in with her skin.

My heart tap-danced in my chest while my mind wrestled with what to say--Umm, gee, Mom, what's with having me abducted?--and whether I wanted to hear her answer. But before I could ask anything she said, 'What's Val been saying?'

Caught off guard I said, 'She left a message but I haven't--'

'You can't tell her anything.'

'Excuse me?'

'Not until we figure out what we're going to do.'

'We? You're on your own with this one, Mom. I'm just here so you can explain why you did this to me.'

'Gary said you were told everything. You have to help, Annie, you're my only chance to--'

'Why the hell would I help you? You paid someone to abduct me, to hurt me, and then you--'

'NO! I didn't want you hurt--it just...everything, it went wrong, it's all wrong, and now...' She put her head in her hands.

'And now my life's fucked and you're in jail. Way to go, Mom.'

She brought her head up and looked around the room with frantic eyes. 'This isn't right, Annie. I can't be in here, I'll die.' She leaned across the table and gripped my hand. 'But if you talk to the police, you can tell them you won't press charges, or explain that you understand why I had to--'

'I don't understand, Mom.' I pulled my hand away.

'I didn't have any other choice--you were always coming in second.'

'It was my fault?'

'You saw how Val treated me. How she looked down at us.'

'And I saw how you treated her, but she didn't have her daughter abducted, did she?'

Eyes filling with tears, she said, 'You have no idea, Annie. No idea what I've been through--' She broke off.

'It has something to do with Dwight, doesn't it?'

Silence.

'If you don't tell me, I'm just going to ask Aunt Val.'

Mom leaned on the table. 'You CAN'T DO THAT TO ME, she'll just use it to--'

The door opened and a cop stuck his head in. 'Everything okay in here?'

I said, 'We're good.' Mom nodded and the cop closed the door.

'You do realize the media is probably already talking to Aunt Val.'

Mom's shoulders tensed.

'Reporters will want every detail about you, what you were like as a kid, what happened in your childhood to make you such a crappy mother.'

'I'm a great mother, nothing like mine. And Val will never talk about our childhood. She doesn't want anyone in her perfect world finding out what she did.' Her voice turned thoughtful. 'She'd hate that....' One fingernail started to tap.

My stomach filled with dread. 'Mom, don't make this any worse than--'

She leaned across the table. 'She was our father's favorite, you know, but she was our stepfather's most favorite.' She gave a bitter smile. 'When my mother realized her husband was sleeping with one of her daughters, Val told her it was me. Next thing you know, my stuff is on the front lawn and our stepfather left town. If it hadn't been for Dwight I'd have been living in a box.'

'Dwight?'

'When I got kicked out, I moved in with him. I was waitressing and he was laying brick when we came up with the idea for that bank.' Her eyes glistened. 'After he got caught I was barely getting by working two shifts a day. Then Val came over with a guy she'd met, talking about how great his parents' house was, how successful their jewelry store was....'