Still Missing

know, I swear I didn't know. When you first got taken, your mom seemed kind of calm about it all, you know? Wasn't like her, I thought she'd be going ape-shit. But after you'd been gone over a week she started pacing at night and going through booze like shit through a goose. The second week she went to see your uncle like three times, so I came right out and said, 'What kind of trouble you in, Lorraine?' All she keeps saying is, 'It's not my fault.'' He swallowed a couple of times and cleared his throat.

'What wasn't her fault? You still haven't told me exactly what it is she did!'

'You were just supposed to disappear for like a week or something, but it didn't go right.'

It didn't go right. That's all, it just didn't go right. I didn't know whether to laugh or scream.

'No shit. Why the hell was I supposed to be abducted in the first place? Was The Freak blackmailing Dwight or something? Or was Dwight threatening Mom? Has she always visited him? What the fuck happened, Wayne?'

'I don't know what the deal is with Dwight--she gets all weird when I ask about him. But no, she saw a movie about some girl who got kidnapped for two days, and after the movie they did one of those interview things with the real family...you know, she gets these ideas and she's on them like a pit bull on a steak.'

I connected the dots. 'Mom got the idea to have me abducted from a movie?'

'Lorraine, she said you were way prettier, and if you were gone a whole week it would be worth more.'

It took a moment for Wayne's words to sink in. 'Worth more--are you fucking telling me she did this for money?'

'It started when she heard you might not get that project. Val was going to roast her over the coals when she found out--you know those two--but if you were famous? Val would have to eat shit for the rest of her life.'

'And you had no idea what she was up to?'

'Shit, no! I swear I didn't know anything. She said your uncle knew a guy from jail who could do it, also he knew the loan shark who lent her the thirty-five grand--I didn't know nothing about that, either.'

'Thirty-five fucking grand? That's how much it cost to ruin my life. Some goddamn family I have.'

'Your mom didn't mean for you to get hurt. The man, he never called her when he was supposed to--that's why she was so upset after the first week. Your uncle put feelers out, but no one knew where the guy had taken you.'

'But why didn't she call the cops when I didn't come home? Why didn't you? You guys just left me there....' My voice broke.

'As soon as I found out what went down, I told her we should tell the cops right away, but the guy she borrowed money from said the cops would come looking for him if she opened her mouth, then he'd slash her face and break my legs. He said he could have Dwight killed in prison. We told him we'd say we paid with our own dough, but he still wanted his money back--he was never going to get it if your mom and I were in the slammer. And if we did go to jail, he said he'd just get us in there.'

I realized this was probably the longest conversation I'd ever had with my stepdad, our first heart-to-heart, and we were talking about my mom having me kidnapped and raped.

'Weren't you worried that I was being hurt? That I might be killed?'

His face looked miserable. 'Every damn day, but there was nothing I could do. If I tried to help you, Lorraine was going to get hurt. When you were missing she was buying time with the loan shark with the money she got from selling your stuff and trying to get someone to make a movie, but nothing was coming through. We were just about dry when you came home.'

He took a deep breath. 'After I saw you in the hospital I was messed right up, but Lorraine said we had to just move on and be strong for you. And we still had the loan shark breathing down our necks. Lorraine told him she'd get some money when you sold your story, but you kept shutting her down. She was trying like hell to make sure the media still gave a shit.' I flashed to all the times the reporters seemed to know exactly where I was and how right from the beginning they knew inside information.

'Any money they gave us went on our debt. But a month or so ago the guy said we had to pay in full or he was coming for us.'

'Wait a minute, the man who tried to grab me off the street. Was that the loan shark or Dwight?'

Wayne stared down at his feet.

'Did you guys hire someone to fucking abduct me again?'

'No.' His voice was so low I could barely hear him. 'It was me.'

'You? Jesus Christ, Wayne, you scared the shit out of me, you hurt me.'

He turned to face me and started talking fast. 'I know, I know, I'm sorry. I didn't want to. You weren't supposed to fall--I didn't know you'd fight that hard. Your mom, she said the media was losing interest. We didn't have any other options, we were fucked, Annie.'

'You were fucked? No, Wayne, fucked is being raped almost every night. Fucked is having to struggle and cry and scream because it got him off faster. Fucked is having to pee on a schedule. Do you know what he did when he caught me sneaking a pee? He forced me to drink water from the toilet bowl. From the toilet bowl, Wayne. People don't even let their dogs do that. That's fucked.'

Tears in his eyes, Wayne just kept nodding.

'My daughter died, Wayne.' I reached over, took one of his hands in mine, and flipped it over. 'Her head wasn't even bigger than the palm of your hand, and she's dead. And you're telling me my family did this to me? You're the ones I'm supposed to be able to trust the most, and you--'

Then I heard myself, and it all hit.

Doubled over, I hugged my legs as an enormous pressure bore down on my chest and my head felt like it was being squeezed in a vise. I sucked in big gulps of air while Wayne patted my back and said over and over again how sorry he was. He sounded like he was crying. The edges of my vision darkened. I felt my body slide forward.

Wayne threw his arm around me and held me in place. 'Oh, shit, Annie, don't pass out on me.'

After a few minutes I got my breathing under control, but I still felt shaky and cold all over. I brought my head up and shrugged Wayne's arm off. I took another deep breath, then got to my feet and paced in front of the bench, hugging myself.

'Did you guys break into my house, too?'

'Yeah, your mom was going to come in right behind me and save you, but I got to your bedroom and you weren't there, the alarm was going off, and I bailed out the window. Then when your mom stayed the night at your house, you told her when you ran in the mornings....' The night my mom brought me Annie Bear cookies and my photos. I sat back down.

For the longest time we just sat there looking at each other, not saying anything, understanding everything. At least I was. Finally I broke the silence.

'You know you're going to have to turn yourself in, right?'

'I figured.'

We stared out at the playground. No children were in sight. The sun had disappeared behind a cloud and it was cool in the shade. A slight breeze moved the swings back and forth. The air was filled with the rhythmic squeaking of their chains and the scent of a storm coming.

'I really love your mom, you know?'

'I know.'

He took a deep breath, then put the deck of cards back in their box. I wanted to stop him, wanted to say, Let's just play one last game. But it was too late. It was too late for everything.

'I'll walk into the station with you.'

Gary had just gotten in from court and looked pissed off when he saw me with Wayne, but as soon as Wayne told him he wanted to make a confession, Gary pointed to me and said, 'Don't go anywhere,' then whisked Wayne away.

I spent the next couple of hours wandering around the station, flipping through magazines and staring at the