Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Arcadia

GUIL: ( great control): I don't think you quite understand. we are attempting is a hypothesis in which I answer him, while you ask me questions.

ROS: Ah! Ready?

GUIL: You know what to do?

ROS: What?

GUIL: Are you stupid?

ROS: Pardon?

GUIL: Are you deaf?

ROS: Did you speak?

GUIL ( admonishing): Not now---

ROS: Statement.

GUIL ( shouts): Not now! ( Pause. ) If I had any doubts, or rather hopes, they are dispelled.

What could we possibly have in common except our situation? ( They separate and sit. ) Perhaps he'll come back this way.

ROS: Should we go?

GUIL: Why?

Pause.

ROS ( starts up. Snaps fingers): Oh! You mean-you pretend to be him, and I ask you questions!

GUIL ( dry): Very good.

ROS: You had me confused.

GUIL: I could see I had.

ROS: How should I begin?

GUIL: Address me. They stand and face each other, posing.

ROS: My honoured Lord!

GUIL: My dear Rosencrantz!

Pause.

ROS: Am I pretending to be you, then?

GUIL: Certainly not. If you like. Shall we continue?

ROS: Question and answer.

GUIL: Right.

ROS: Right. My honoured lord!

GUIL: My dear fellow!

ROS: How are you?

GUIL: Afflicted!

ROS: Really? In what way?

GUIL: Transformed.

ROS: Inside or out?

GUIL: Both.

ROS: I see. ( Pause. ) Not much new there.

GUIL: Go into details. Delve. Probe the background, establish the situation.

ROS: So---so your uncle is the king of Denmark?!

GUIL: And my father before him.

ROS: His father before him?

GUIL: No, my father before him.

ROS: But surely---

GUIL: You might well ask.

ROS: Let me get it straight. Your father was king. You were his only son. Your father dies.

You are of age. Your uncle becomes king.

GUIL: Yes.

ROS: Unorthodox.

GUIL: Undid me.

ROS: Undeniable. Where were you?

GUIL: In Germany.

ROS: Usurpation, then.

GUIL: He slipped in.

ROS: Which reminds me.

GUIL: Well, it would.

ROS: I don't want to be personal.

GUIL: It's common knowledge.

ROS: Your mother's marriage.

GUIL: He slipped in.

Beat.

ROS ( lugubriously): His body was still warm.

GUIL: So was hers.

ROS: Extraordinary.

GUIL: Indecent.

ROS: Hasty.

GUIL: Suspicious.

ROS: It makes you think.

GUIL: Don't think I haven't thought of it.

ROS: And with her husband's brother.

GUIL: They were close.

ROS: She went to him

GUIL: Too close---

ROS: for comfort.

GUIL: It looks bad.

ROS: It adds up.

GUIL: Incest to adultery.

ROS: Would you go so far?

GUIL: Never.

ROS: To sum up: your father, whom you love, dies, you are his heir, you come back to find that hardly was the corpse cold before his young brother popped onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending both legal and natural practice. Now why exactly are you behaving in this extraordinary manner?

GUIL: I can't imagine! ( Pause. ) But all that is well known, common property. Yet he sent for us. And we did come.

ROS: ( alert, ear cocked): I say! I heard music

GUIL: We're here.

ROS: Like a band---I thought I heard a band.

GUIL: Rosencrantz...

ROS: ( absently, still listening): What? Pause, short.

GUIL: ( gently wry): Guildenstern.

ROS ( irritated by the repetition): What?

GUIL: Don't you discriminate at all?

ROS ( turning dumbly): Wha'?