“Can I go kill the king now?” Roderick asked.
“I've always respected you,” said Rick. “In fact ... I think I may even have loved you. Purely platonic, but still impressive considering how rarely we sat down and really talked to one another.”
“Good. I love you too. Get on with it.”
“Won't you hug me?”
“Oh, for crying out loud, man! Do you understand the concept of ‘bad timing?'”
“Just one hug ... then I can die in peace.”
“Go on, give the poor guy a hug,” Jack urged.
The king let out a snore, then rolled over in bed.
“All right,” said Roderick. “One hug. Then whether you're dead or not, I'm going to slit the tyrant's throat.” He lifted Rick to a sitting position, then gave him a tender hug.
“Thank you,” said Rick. “Now I'm at peace, and can die.”
“When?”
“Any day now.”
Roderick released the hug, dropping Rick on his back. His head struck the floor much harder than Roderick had intended. Randall quickly knelt down and checked for a heartbeat.
“Nice move,” he said.
“Is he dead?”
“Close enough.”
Roderick stood up. “Forget it. He was a goober anyway. And now, the moment we've all been waiting for...”
“Stop!” ordered Randall, also standing up. He held Rick's dagger. “If you want to kill the king, you're going to have to go through me!”
“No, I won't. You're on the wrong side of the room.”
Randall hurriedly moved to a position in front of the king's bed.
“You cretin!” Roderick snarled.
“That really was pretty low,” Jack admitted.
“C'mon, Roderick, let's go for it,” said Randall, taunting him. “Think you've got what it takes? I'll have you know—
Roderick slashed his own dagger through the air a few times, implying if Randall had been that air, he'd be all slashed up now. “You want to duel? Great, let's duel!”
“I'm ready whenever you are.”
“I'm ready right now.”
“Therefore, I'm ready right now as well.”
“So let's go!”
“Okay, let's go!”
Randall and Roderick lunged at each other. Stainless steel struck stainless steel with a sound like thunder.
“Ow, crud!” said Randall, dropping the knife and massaging his throbbing hand.
“Do you surrender?” Roderick asked, giving him a grin that failed to disguise the amount of pain he was in himself.
“Never!” said Jack. “He'll fight to the death!”
“So be it! Since I am an honorable man, I will allow you to retrieve your weapon before I slay you.”
“You're just saying that to give your hand time to de-numb.”
The king rolled over. “A little higher ... yeah, that's right...” he moaned in his sleep.
“What did he just say?” asked Jack.
“Sounds like he's having an interesting dream,” said Roderick. “I never get to have cool dreams like that. I always dream that I'm solving mathematical equations. It bites.”
“You guys want to call a truce so we can mess with his dream?” Jack asked. “Or ... hey, better yet, somebody get a glass of warm water to put his hand in!”
“The time for frivolity has passed,” said Roderick. “A few minutes ago, I would've short-sheeted his bed with a wink and a giggle, but we have entered darker times now.”
Jack lowered his head next to the king's ear. “Rain ... rivers ... waterfalls ... floods ... oceans ... leaky drain pipes...”
“You know,” said Randall, “you're carrying immaturity to a previously uncharted level.”
“C'mon, you can't tell me it hasn't been one of your lifelong fantasies to make royalty wet the bed.”
“Is it absolutely necessary that your mouth be open so frequently?” asked Randall.
Suddenly Roderick lashed out with his dagger. Randall dodged. Roderick lashed out again. Randall dodged again. Roderick lashed out a third time. In keeping with the continuity of the situation, Randall dodged again. To fool him, Roderick didn't lash out a fourth time. To show that he wasn't fooled, Randall didn't dodge a fourth time.
Jack whispered into the king's ear again. “Your legs have turned into spaghetti, and now you're playing leapfrog ... on the moon.” King Irving writhed uncomfortably in his sleep.
Roderick lowered his dagger. “How about we call a time-out so I can kill Jack first?”
“Nah. Hey, is that thing about me getting to retrieve my weapon still in effect?” Randall asked.
“I guess so. But if I lose my own weapon after that, I get to pick it up one time for free, okay?”
Randall nodded, then picked up his dagger. “Let's go! To the
They rushed at each other, then began an incredibly exciting duel. It was so impressive that no mere words could truly describe it, and therefore no mere words will be wasted.
It ended with Randall up against the wall, and Roderick's knife up against Randall's throat. “You lose,” said Roderick, rather unnecessarily in everyone's opinion, even his own.
“Don't kill me,” Randall requested. “I'll do anything.”
“Will you shave my back?”
“Changed my mind.”
Suddenly Jack sprung into action. Mustering all his courage, he rushed forward, hurrying to the other side of the room where no blood would get on him.
“How does it feel to have only ten seconds left to live?” Roderick asked.
“Not as bad as having only five seconds, I guess.”
“Stop!” said Bug, flying into the room. “You don't need to fight!”
“Yes we do,” Roderick corrected.
“No, you don't!” Bug insisted. “The twelve guards right behind me said so!”
The pause was a little too lengthy to make the moment truly dramatic, but shortly after Bug's statement twelve guards burst into the room, swords drawn.
“What's all this racket?” demanded King Irving, sitting up. “Best dream of my life, and you guys have to interrupt it!”
“Don't come any closer!” shouted Roderick. “I'll kill him! I mean it! I'm not lying! Don't mess with me! This is not a joke! I'm not kidding! If you come closer, I'll stab him! That's the truth! No bluffing here! Don't make me do it! I will! This is no deception! He'll die!”
“We're just here to save the king,” explained one of the guards. “You can waste the squire—we don't care.”
“Oh, really?” asked Roderick. He pulled the knife away from Randall's throat, then immediately spun around and pressed it against the king's throat. “Don't come any closer! I'll kill him! I mean it!”
“You're bluffing,” said one of the guards.
“Want me to prove that I'm not?”
“No, not really.”
“Then shut up! Okay, here are my demands! I want to assassinate King Irving of Rainey for his unspeakable atrocities without interference, and then I want to be provided with a horse to help me escape the kingdom! Understand?”
One of the guards stepped forward. “Okay, okay, just don't do anything crazy. We'll get you your horse, but
