their breath. Finally, Randall spoke.
“Now, back to the strawberry.”
Chapter 19
No Title Necessary
“REALLY, YOU don't have to do that,” said Yvonne. “I had a whole bunch of strawberries this morning and they gave me salmonella. Let's just find some place to rest.”
“Oh, no,” said Randall, his voice slurred. “I said I was going to get you that strawberry, and by gosh I'm going to get it.” He passed out for a moment, then woke up again. “No matter what.”
“Listen, Randall, that leech really did a number on you. I think we should get out of this place and find you some help.”
“I feel perfectly fine,” said Randall. Then he passed out for a couple days.
* * * *
“WHERE AM I?” he asked, opening his eyes.
“You're in the same meadow,” Yvonne replied. “Jack wouldn't help me carry you.”
“I have fragile arms,” Jack insisted.
“We've just been hanging out here,” said Yvonne. “Waiting for you to recover, surviving on leech meat, playing Twenty Questions, which is a really idiotic game. Way too easy.”
“Okay, I've thought of something,” said Bug.
“Question one,” said Jack. “What is it?”
“A breadbox. You win again!”
“See?” asked Yvonne. “Why do they call it Twenty Questions when it never takes more than one?”
Randall sat up. “I feel pretty good. How long have I been out?”
“Two days.”
“Oh my goodness!” exclaimed Randall.
“Oh your goodness what?”
“That's terrible! I can't afford two days! By now the king will have every knight in the kingdom out looking for me, Sir William, and Princess Janice!”
“See?” said Jack to Yvonne. “I told you he was the one those knights were looking for. Pay up.”
Yvonne handed him a dvorkin. “Good thing we hid him down in the scorpion pit.”
“Look, this is serious! I can't let them find me!”
“But don't you think the hunt for the reagents would go a little better with every knight in the kingdom searching?” asked Yvonne.
“Sure it would, but so would the game of Squish-the-Squire. We have to get out of here and start questing again!”
“That's a good idea,” said Yvonne. “Oh, one thing, though. I changed my mind ... do you think you could get me that strawberry after all?”
“Okay.”
* * * *
THE DARK One sat upon his throne, lost in his wicked thoughts. Scrivener turned off the power to his crystal ball and looked over at him. “What are you doing, Master?”
“Brooding.”
“I see. Not to correct you, Master, but wouldn't that require that a female be present?”
“I said
“Apologies, Master. Do you wish me to stand in the corner so that I might wallow in my own shameful inadequacies?”
“No. On second thought, yes. And while you're there perform some acts of self-abuse.”
“As you wish, Master.” Scrivener retreated to the corner and began poking himself in the nose.
There was a knock on the door, then Wyrkham entered. “Master! I have great news! Wonderful news!”
“Are you going to stand there all day before you tell me?”
The dwarf hesitated. “Is that what you desire?”
“No! Give me the message!”
“We've now conquered nine towns and two kingdoms and made all the residents our slaves! They've got dehumanizing collars on and everything! Our army continues to grow, and we've written ‘The Dark One rules!’ all over the place!”
“Excellent. I am most pleased.”
“Cool. Can I borrow a couple dvorkins?”
“Leave me,” the Dark One hissed. “I must concentrate on the next phase of my domination plan!”
“That would be something like taking over more kingdoms and getting more slaves, right?” asked Wyrkham.
“Yes, basically. Now begone!”
Wyrkham left the throne room. Scrivener stopped twisting his eyebrow. “May I leave the corner now?”
“You may,” said the Dark One. “Ahhhh, the sweet sound of victory. Soon will I reduce the peasants of this land to frightened cowards, pleading to do my bidding!”
“That sounds delightful, Master. But wouldn't they be more productive as laborers if you built up their morale rather than taking it away?”
“Perhaps. But when the slaves fear me, the sense of power makes me giggly. And you know how difficult it is for me to become giggly.”
“I do indeed, Master. And you have my sympathies.”
* * * *
AS TREACHEROUS as the cliff was, Randall managed to climb to the top in just under an hour, and without breaking any bones, even minor ones that he didn't know the names for. And there was the strawberry, large and succulent-looking. If he could reach the bottom of the cliff without accidentally crushing it into a gooey red pulp, Yvonne would love him forever.
He bent down to pick the strawberry.
And his hand passed right through it.
“Odd berry,” he said to himself.
Several more attempts convinced him that the strawberry was indeed an illusion, and he had broken no bones for nothing.
“Ha!” said an old man, crawling out from under some bushes. “Ha ha! I laugh in your face, then spit in it, then laugh in it again! Ha ha! I can't believe you fell for the illusionary strawberry trick!”
“Ha ha. I'm tickled pink. I'd let out a hearty guffaw if I weren't entertaining thoughts about killing you right now.”
The man stood up. His face appeared to be the wrinkle rest stop of the land. He wore ragged clothing, and his long, grey hair looked like it had been ratted with real rats. “Lighten up,” he said. “My name is Warren the Wise, though some people call me Warren the Wise-Ass. I know all and see all. Because you have climbed such dangerous heights to see me, I will now share some of my eternal knowledge with you. Ask me any three questions.”
“Hey, this is great!” said Randall. “I have some questions I really need answered. First, where would I find Jenstina the Ogre?”
Warren sighed. “Oh, sure, ask something for yourself. Where would
“Okay, then, where would
“None of your business. That's one question.”
“What?”
“I said, none of your business. That's two.”
