How to Rescue a Dead Princess

“You bitter little creep!”

“All right, all right, whatever your last question is, I promise to give you a good answer.”

“Fine, here's my question: Where are Jenstina the Ogre and Shreddriff the Berserker and the Necklace of Power and is Yvonne really the woman for me and what's the meaning of life?”

“Sneaky. Jenstina the Ogre lives in a hut on the Mountain of Rock. Here's a map.” He handed Randall a folded piece of paper. “Shreddriff the Berserker lives on an island in the Ocean of Water. Here's a map.” He handed Randall another folded piece of paper. “I've never heard of the Necklace of Power. Yes, Yvonne is the woman for you, and don't you forget it. And the meaning of life is ‘the state of being alive.'”

“Thanks a lot!” said Randall. “This will be very helpful!” He turned around to climb back down the cliff.

“What, you're leaving?”

“Of course.”

“You don't want to sit around and talk or anything? It's a lonely life up here as a Wise Man. People just ask their questions and then leave me here by myself.”

“Well, you know, if you didn't act so snotty about people only being allowed three questions, they'd probably be more inclined to hang around.”

“So, you think it's my personality that drives people away? I always thought they were just intimidated by my far-reaching wisdom.”

“No, it's definitely the personality. And the location. I mean, here you are on top of a treacherous cliff. Your neighbors aren't going to risk their lives just to pop by for a chat.”

“But I'm a Wise Man. People have to prove themselves worthy for me to answer their questions. If I set up shop in a village, what would be the big deal? I wouldn't be special.”

“But, you see, if you had friends, you would be special. Friends are what make us special, not omniscience! Give people a chance to like you for you, not for the questions you can answer.”

Warren considered that. “But what if they don't like me? What if I'm not accepted? You know, all it takes is one nudity-related faux pas and you can be shunned for life!”

“Look deep within yourself. Do you want this bad enough to take the risk?”

“Yes!” said Warren, almost in tears. “Yes, I do! Thank you so much!”

“I'm glad I could help. Now, I have to be going.”

“Wait a second! There's no way I can get off this cliff!”

“Oh. That's a problem.”

“So ... maybe I should just be less snotty about the three questions?”

“Yeah.”

“Gotcha. Thanks for your help.”

* * * *

“WELL, I HAVE good news and bad news,” said Randall, returning from the cliff.

“Tell us the good news first,” said Yvonne.

“Actually, the overall impact would be better if I gave you the bad news first.”

“Okay, what's the bad news?”

“I didn't get the strawberry.”

“You suck, Randall,” said Jack.

“But the good news is, I got something even better. Maps to take us to Jenstina and Shreddriff!”

“Oh,” said Yvonne. “I guess a map is almost as tasty.”

Randall unfolded the map. “See, the hut where we'll find Jenstina the Ogre is right about ... whoops, that's a bit further than I expected.”

“How far?” asked Jack.

“Five thumb-lengths on the map, which translates to five thousand miles. Looks like the Mountain of Rock is on the very edge of the land, right before you fall off.” He unfolded the other map. “Let's see, the island where we'll find Shreddriff the Berserker is also five thousand miles away ... in the opposite direction.”

“Is that five thumb-lengths, too?” asked Jack.

Randall looked pained. “I'm dead. Including round trips, that's twenty thousand miles we have to cover! It's impossible!”

“Nothing's impossible,” said Yvonne. “Except an interesting game of Royal Golf.”

“We live in an age of magic,” said Jack. “Find a magician willing to transport you there. The new regulations are fairly stringent, but a good bribe should take care of that.”

“That idea's so crazy it just might work!” said Randall. “Except that I'm almost broke. What about the rest of you?”

“Barely a dvorkin to my name,” said Jack.

“Forgot my fortune under my mattress,” Yvonne admitted.

“I know where there are riches beyond your imagination!” said Bug.

“Really? Where?”

“In your hearts, where the love is kept!”

“Look, there has to be a quick way to make some money,” said Randall, “but our first priority should be to find a corrupt magician, so we'll ask at the next town. Though, of course we won't ask specifically for a corrupt magician at first, which would be tacky.”

“Hey!” Warren's barely-audible voice called from the top of the cliff. “I changed my mind! I think I can make it down there, if you'll give me a couple hours!”

“No!” Randall shouted back. “We're in a hurry!”

“Aw, c'mon! I thought we were buddies! Oooh—that joint doesn't sound so good, better add another half hour!”

“Let's get going,” said Randall.

“Having a bit of trouble with the ol’ motor functions!” shouted Warren. “I'll catch up with you, okay?”

“No problem,” Randall shouted back, as they moved onward.

* * * *

IT TOOK MOST of the day to reach the next town, which was called Warfield. The fact that this town was having serious problems was immediately evident from the toilet paper strewn over every single structure in sight.

Chapter 20

Filling Some Space

WHOMEVER invaded this town had been remarkably thorough. The toilet paper was everywhere they looked, as was graffiti saying “The Dark One is really cool” and “The Dark One: He may be ugly but at least he's not as psychotic as that one guy from that place.” There were no people in sight.

“Who is the Dark One?” Randall wondered aloud. “What kind of inhuman monster would tee-pee an entire town? What if it rains?”

They all took a minute to think about it, then proceeded down the street, searching for signs of life, or at least a few telltale corpses to let them know that people had died recently. But there was nobody.

“Do you think everybody fled?” asked Yvonne.

“From a mess like this? I'm sure of it,” said Jack.

“No, wait—look at that message,” said Randall, pointing to the side of a hut, upon which was painted The residents of this fine, previously litter-free town have been kidnapped by the Dark One, so whine all you want.

Within the hut, there was a crash as something shattered. “Go away!” screamed a man from inside. “I'll throw another plate at you! I mean it! And this one won't hit my ceiling!”

“Who are you?” Randall asked.

“Thank goodness!” said the man. “You can't be part of the marauders. They would never take such an interest in my personal life.” The front door opened, and the man stepped out. He was middle-aged and fairly nondescript, except for his face, which was somewhat descript but not all that much. “My name is Toby. Do you see what they've done to this place?”

“Tell us what happened,” said Randall.