How to Rescue a Dead Princess

“Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs,” said Randall. “Is there another way over there?”

Shreddriff thought about it. “I guess I could part the waters.”

“I'll go for that,” said Randall.

“Promise not to call me a show-off?”

“I promise.”

“Because the last guy, he called me a show-off.”

“I won't call you a show-off.”

Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.

“Guess it's too deep,” said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. “Wooga wooga!”

“What does wooga wooga mean?” Randall asked.

“I don't know,” said Shreddriff. “I think it's Italian.”

Randall pointed at the palm tree. “If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!”

Shreddriff looked at the tree. “You've gotta be kidding!”

“It was just an idea.”

“I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?”

“I can have somebody help you with it,” promised Randall.

“All right, all right.” Shreddriff gave the tree a good flick with his index finger and it toppled over, landing in the water with a huge splash.

“Ummm,” said Randall, “I kind of meant that it was supposed to fall toward us.”

“It's missing details like that which make civilization such a crock,” Shreddriff told him.

“If we all swam and met each other half-way, that would reduce our chances of getting eaten by the sharks,” said Yvonne.

“Who's worried about the sharks?” asked Shreddriff. “These don't eat humans. I was concerned about getting my clothes all wet. These things weren't inexpensive, you know.”

With a sigh, Randall and Yvonne dove into the water and swam over to the other island. “Take my hand so you'll teleport back with us,” Randall said to Shreddriff.

“Does it hurt?”

“Nope.”

“Will it make my stomach feel gooshy?”

“Not at all.”

“Will the sudden change in surroundings startle me?”

“I doubt it.”

“Okay.”

POOF!

“Eeep!” said Shreddriff as they reappeared in the lair of the Dark One. “You lied about the gooshy stomach part!”

Several guards immediately grabbed the berserker. “Leave him alone!” Randall shouted. “He's tame ... mostly...”

“So, you have everything you need,” said the Dark One. “Now, we shall join forces and rule this entire land!” He extended his wicked hand. “Let us shake to clench the deal!”

Randall reached out and clasped his hand.

“To evil,” said the Dark One.

“To your demise,” said Randall, yanking his hand away.

And then, all heck broke loose.

Chapter 25

The Almost-Final Conflict

“CAN'T YOU calm that berserker down?” demanded the Dark One. “I missed what the squire said!”

“Wooga wooga!” shouted Shreddriff, kicking one of the guards in the face with a foot that shouldn't have been anywhere near a human face, for reasons of hygiene alone. The other guards struggled to contain him, but were having serious difficulties in doing so.

“He said, ‘to your demise,'” Scrivener told the Dark One.

“What? But that's a bad thing! Have I joined forces with somebody who doesn't know the difference between good things and bad things?”

“Guess so,” said Scrivener.

“Then ... kill him! And her! And the berserker! And that bug next time you see it!”

Shreddriff threw one of the guards against the others, knocking all of them to the floor. “Run!” he yelled.

Deciding that the idea had merit, Randall and Yvonne ran for the doorway, with Shreddriff following closely behind. The Dark One stood up and grabbed a huge battle axe that had been resting next to his throne for use in killing mosquitoes. “They shall not escape!” he thundered. “Sound the alarms! Set the traps! Release the termites! It's gonna be Squire Shishkabob tonight!”

“Go, Dark One!” yelled Scrivener. “Woo! Woo! Woo!”

Randall & Co. ran down the hall, speeding past several guards. “Where are we headed?” Yvonne asked.

“To rescue the prisoners, and then to find a way out of this place!” said Randall.

“Sounds like a plan. Where are the prisoners?”

“Don't you know? You just came from there!”

“I wasn't paying attention! I was too busy trying to think happy thoughts!”

Shreddriff smiled. “I always like to think of Flippy, the Happy Chipmunk. He could always make me grin with his wild adventures and useful lessons about morality.”

Randall picked up his pace. “Forget Flippy! Flee from furious foes first! Faster, fellow fugitive friends, faster!”

“Alas,” said Yvonne, “alliteration almost always acts as an annoyance and an ardent aggravation. Any authentic admirable aesthetic attributes are admittedly absent at all articulate analysis. Anyway, abscond and accelerate adequately, allowing apprehension avoidance, admirable acquaintances and accomplices!”

“Big baddie!” said Shreddriff, as a guard that had to have been seven feet tall and three hundred pounds stepped into the hallway in front of them.

“You aren't going anywhere,” snarled the guard.

Randall glanced over his shoulder. The Dark One was rushing at them, battle axe high over his head. “Look!” Randall shouted at the guard. “Psycho lunatic with an axe at six o’ clock!”

“Run!” shouted the guard, turning around and fleeing.

“Attention all who serve the forces of evil!” announced a voice through the magical intercom system. “We have a code red!”

“Oh no!” exclaimed the fleeing guard. “That's the bad one!”

“I repeat, we have a code red. Be on the lookout for a squire, in decent physical shape, no noteworthy deformities. With him is a woman, also in good shape, recognizable by the cute way her nose crinkles when she smiles. They are to be terminated with extreme prejudice. Pretend they're those singing elves we all hate. This is your magical announcement system, signing off. Have a productive day!”

At the next intersection, Randall, Yvonne, and Shreddriff veered to the right. Randall gasped as his foot snapped a wire that stretched across the hall. “You have just activated the self-destruct mechanism for this lair of doom,” said a perky female voice. “Ka-boom in ten minutes.”

They continued running. Another wire snapped. “You have just activated the flooding mechanism for this lair of doom. A dangerously high level of water will begin rushing through the corridors in five minutes, starting with the prison.”

“We don't have much time!” said Randall, as they reached another left-right intersection.

“Wrong!” said the Dark One, stepping into the hallway. “You don't have any time!” He threw the axe with both hands. It sailed right in between Randall and Yvonne and thunked into the wall behind