How to Rescue a Dead Princess

“Well, what's it called?”

“Water.”

Randall sighed. “Okay, everyone keep your eyes open. Some water is bound to show up eventually. Be on the lookout for a mop bucket or something.”

They rushed up the stairs, when ssssssssssssssssuddenly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

* * * *

HI, THIS IS the author talking to you. I know, I really shouldn't be breaking in so late in the book, and I've probably messed up all the momentum of this action sequence, but we had a bit of a computer error here. I won't get into the details, except to say that about 48 pages accidentally got deleted. If I had time, I'd retype them, but my editor already has a big crab up his fanny because I'm a few months over deadline. The guy is in serious need of relaxation techniques. Increase the dosage, buddy! Anyway, I figured I'd just summarize what happened. And I won't lie to you—it's not like the missing pages were all that great. There were a couple decent bits here and there, and another tongue joke that was fairly well-written, but character development took a nosedive and the symbolism was kind of heavy-handed.

Okay, so you've got Randall and Yvonne and Shreddriff going up the stairs, right? They found some water up there, which took care of the poison problem with only a minor cop-out on my part. Then this guy came out and ... no, wait, that was later. First there was this dragon, and Randall had a really big fight with it, finally slaying it. Unless it was Shreddriff that killed it...? I threw my notes away, so bear with me. No, I just remembered, it was Randall that got the dragon, and then they were looking for the prisoners, and then that guy came out and, no, sorry, I messed up again. I know that guy appeared somewhere, though.

Ah, who cares? They found the room where the prisoners were being trained, and that's where there was this big fight. A war, actually. I'm not lying when I say that this was one cool battle scene. You should've seen the guts fly! Whoa-mama! Then there was a sex scene, which I kind of wish hadn't been deleted, although I have to admit that I was overly enthusiastic and ended it too soon. You know what? I just realized that I never explained why the place didn't blow up! What a goofball I am sometimes! Okay, well, the magical self-destruct system had a malfunction. That'll work. So ... where was I? We've got Randall, Yvonne, Shreddriff, Toby, and Jack all free. Oh, yeah, I guess I should've mentioned that Toby and Jack were freed in the battle scene, along with the other prisoners. Oh, and before that, they found Bug and freed him, too.

Dang! I can't remember what happened right after that. Hold on, let me think. Ah, forget it. I know! You, the reader, can use your imagination! Just make it really good, okay? Thanks. So, right before the computer mess-up, we were at the final confrontation with the Dark One. Randall is standing at the edge of a huge pit of lava, and lots of guards are pointing arrows at him. The Dark One is saying all this weird stuff to play with Randall's mind, and get hidden memories to return, and that kind of evil deeds.

So ... back to the story!

No, wait, not yet. I don't know if I should make this a new chapter, or just let this one run kind of long. Hmmmmm. Ah, what the heck? A long chapter won't hurt anyone.

Now, back to the exciting conclusion!

* * * *

RANDALL HELD his arms out to keep his balance. The Dark One stepped closer. “Look within yourself,” he said. “Search for a secret long-kept. A revelation you have yet to accept.”

Randall closed his eyes, and the memories surfaced....

* * * *

GRANDMA UNFASTENED the final lock, and swung the attic door open. She took young Randy by the hand and led him upstairs.

The attic was filled with hundreds of crumpled pieces of parchment. Seated in a corner, holding a quill and scroll, he sat, unshaven and bleary-eyed. Sir Randall. Randy's father.

“Darn it, Mom! How am I supposed to get any writing done if you keep bothering me like this?” he hollered. “The muse was here and you scared it away! You scared my muse! How many times do I have to tell you that I need my muse! Go away! Go away and leave me in peace!”

Grandma led Randy back down the stairs, but not before the boy had a chance to grab one of the crumpled papers. Grandma began to relock the door. “I'm sorry,” she said, “but you had to see that. You had to know what your father's become.”

Randy uncrumpled the paper. The words, written in shaky handwriting, were so horrible to witness that Randy let out a cry. No. That couldn't be right. Not his own father! The characters on the page were kissing!

“That's right,” said Grandma, solemnly. “Your father writes girl books!”

And then Randy screamed and screamed.

* * * *

“YES,” SAID the Dark One. “Your father was a failed romance novelist. It became an obsession. It poisoned him inside. And now for another revelation...”

“Oh, I know this one,” said one of the guards. “I bet his father also ate slugs.”

Jack let out a whimper.

“Silence, you fool! Randall...I'm your father.”

“Daddy!” said Randall, stepping forward with open arms.

“Randall, no!” shouted Yvonne. “He's the bad guy!”

“Oh, yeah, that's right. And why should I believe anything I've been told?”

“Here is why,” said the Dark One, removing his mask. There was a collective shudder, and then various gagging and retching noises. And the Dark One stood, his face bare.

It was Sir Randall, no question about it. And he looked just like a slightly uglier version of his son.

“Eeeewwww!” said Yvonne. “Look at that chin—the cleft is crooked! And his nose is a little too wide ... his eyes are beady and too close together! It's grotesque!”

“Dad, how could you do this? You were such a big hero!”

“Listen to me, Son. I had finally got eight pages done on a book. Eight whole pages. Good ones! For the first time in my life, I was actually producing literature!”

“And then...?”

“And then I re-read them. And found it. An inconsistency. The lovers couldn't have met that night under a full moon, because the full moon wasn't until the following week according to the dates I'd already established! My book was worthless! I shredded it and ate the pieces, and vowed that one day I would bring this entire Generic Fantasy Land to its knees!”

“How tacky,” said Yvonne.

“And I shall succeed!” shouted the Dark One, raising his arms dramatically. “Guards, kill him!”

“Wait!” said Randall. “Don't do this! All of you—you've sided with the forces of evil! Look at him! Those dark clothes, the snarl in his voice—that man is evil incarnate! He's bad! If you work for the bad guy, well, that makes you all bad, too! And bad isn't as good as good! Otherwise bad would be good and good would be bad, and the world just doesn't work that way!”

“I think he's right!” said one of the guards.

“He sure is, but I wanna kill somebody!” said another.

“You mindless drones, I said kill him!” the Dark One roared.

“No!” said Randall. “I know how we can work this out!”

“How?”

“Two hundred years ago, there was another war between Good and Evil. After years and hundreds of bloody battles, the leaders finally came up with the proper way to settle their dispute. A game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Loser gets filled with arrows!”

The Dark One considered that. “Very well.” He held out a fist. “On three?”

Randall held out his own fist. “On three.”

Together: “One ... two...”

All eyes were upon their hands.

“Three!”

They made their selections.