“They were dead when we found them!”
“Does that excuse your abuse of their tiny cute little dead squirrel bodies? I think not!”
“Ignore him!” said Grysh. “I will now return the bunny to life.” She snapped her fingers, and a bright glow came from the burning woods. The rabbit came running across the path, bouncing happily, and ran back into the inferno on the opposite side.
“Silly rabbit,” said Grysh.
“These tricks are for kids,” said Randall. “This is wimpy stuff. Darn it, this is a chance to prove your powers!”
“I was pretty impressed by the rabbit thing, myself,” said Jack.
Grysh looked at the crystal, thoughtfully. “I'll make you a deal. I'll return the knight to the flesh, but the princess stays ashy. Otherwise, what reason would you have to come back and visit?”
With that, she snapped her fingers, and the statue of Sir William transformed into the real-life version of the knight, which was more of a pinkish hue without quite as rocky an exterior. Sir William stood there, dumbfounded, for a moment, then proceeded to drop face-first onto the floor.
“He'll be okay once he recovers,” said Grysh. “Now if you'll excuse me, I must return my Loaf of Love back into a man.”
“I'm not leaving until you bring back the princess,” said Randall. “We had a deal.”
“Deals are made to be broken.”
“So are witches who fail to keep their word.”
“You're aware, of course, that with one small gesture I could disintegrate you.”
“I'm aware of that.”
“I wasn't,” said Jack, backing away.
Suddenly Randall grabbed Scar and pulled him/her toward him, pressing the tip of his sword against his/her back. “Make you a brand spanking new deal. Bring the princess back to life and your honey-pot won't get a sword through him/her.”
“But I can just bring him/her right back to life,” said Grysh. “Duuuuh.”
“Perhaps. But my guess is that he/she doesn't want to deal with the heartache of having his/her heart poked. And for you to let him/her die proves that you care more about your evil ways than you do about him/her.”
“Shut up and die,” said Grysh, throwing a bolt of lightning at Randall. Her aim was a bit off, and the bolt struck Scar, turning her into a pile of dust that got all over Randall's clothes. “Drat,” said the witch. “That's the sixth time I've done that today. No, wait, the seventh.”
Another bolt of lightning formed in her hand. “Say goodbye to your need for oxygen,” she said.
“You don't want to do that!” Randall told her.
“Yes I do.”
“No, really, you don't. Because if you fry me, my ashes will get mixed up with Scar's, and then when you return us to the flesh the sexual identity problems will be even
The lightning bolt in her hand vanished. “You have a point. I hate that.”
“All right, time for yet another renegotiation. Bring the princess back to life...” he held his arm up to his mouth, “...and I won't lick up these ashes.”
Grysh glared at him. “Very well. You've won this round. I will return her to life, thus completing your quest. Give me the toenail. Berserker, I'm going to need you to stare slack-jawed at the floor for a moment. Where's the maiden breath?”
Yvonne stepped forward. “Where should I breathe?”
“Oh, just breathing in general is good enough. That's all the materials ... let's get started.” She used her impressive magical abilities to bring the Princess Janice ashes into a pile in front of her, then stared into the crystal. “Oh, great Crystal of Powerfulness, I bid thee ... unfry this woman and I won't ask for anything else for a while!”
A beam of white light shot from the crystal, striking the ashes. The ashes began to swirl around, making some neat patterns, soon moving into the shape of a body. There was a blinding flash of light, and then Princess Janice lay on the floor, her body restored. Still dead, but restored.
The onlookers applauded.
“Now, bring her back to life,” said Randall.
Grysh snapped her fingers. Princess Janice opened her eyes, just as Sir William rolled over and muttered something incomprehensible. Princess Janice also babbled something, and then both of them lost consciousness again.
“They might act a bit funny,” said Grysh. “That's to be expected. They also might have found religion.”
She used the crystal again, and the ashes on Randall's clothing swirled around to form a body. After the flash of light, Romeoo lay on the floor. A snap of Grysh's fingers, and he sat up, then rolled his eyes into the back of his head and fell back down.
“I don't know how to thank you!” said Randall.
“Say ‘thank you.'”
“Thank you.” Randall put his arms around Yvonne. “I can't believe it. Everything worked out in the end!”
“Well,” said Jack, “the princess never did get to Rainey kingdom, so really we could look at this as one big failure.”
“But I defeated the Dark One, which cancels out the fact that we failed in the princess escort. And I've found the bravery and leadership skills hidden deep within myself.”
“And we found each other,” said Yvonne.
“Okay, the new romance adds some points on the success side,” said Jack, “but the town of Warfield burned down, which is a negative, and the guard never did get his pony.”
“You're right,” said Randall, “but the wise man at the top of the cliff became a better person because of me.”
“Where is he, anyway?” asked Jack. “I kind of expected him to show up again at some point.”
“Ah, he wasn't that important,” said Randall. “Overall, I think this whole adventure can be said to have a happy ending. And now I'm going to make it happier.” He got down on one knee. “Yvonne, will you marry me?”
“Oh, I don't know ... do you really think our love can stand the trials and tribulations that result from such a brief courtship? We haven't even goosed each other yet.”
“We can make it work,” said Randall. “We'll seek counseling if we need to, but we'll make it work.”
“I love you so much. Of course I'll marry you.”
Romeoo sat up again. “Grysh, will you marry me as well?”
“No, but I'll live with you.”
“Good enough.” Romeoo managed to get to his feet, and they shared a kiss of pure passion.
“Wanna watch a jousting match sometime?” Jack asked Toby.
“Sure. Why not?”
“I love everybody!” said Bug.
The flames of the forest died out, and the trees sprouted back up, green and covered with flowers in full bloom. The rabbit bounced back into the clearing, unharmed. The zombies shambled off, free at last.
It was a truly wonderful moment.
Chapter 27
You Can Relax, It's Almost Over
AS YVONNE entered the courtyard in her wedding gown, the band struck up a blues version of “Here Comes the Bride.” She walked down the aisle, whispering “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot,” to keep herself on track. One of the guests stood up and began throwing rice.
“Not yet, you idiot!” snapped his wife, pulling him down.
Yvonne took her place next to Randall, and they exchanged smiles. Jack stood in his position as Best Man, wearing a shirt that read “Marriage Sucks.”
The reverend cleared his throat, and addressed the gatherers. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of these fine people. They have decided to get married. How long they'll stay that way is anyone's guess, since in these permissive times it seems like you get married, stick with it until you get a little bored, then hop over to the next spouse in line. Well, that just makes me sick!”
