Church office
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175 6 / BERNARD SHAW
REV. SAMUEL [Sinking into a feeble vein of humor.] I greatly doubt whether she has as much money as y o u will want.
FRANK Oh, come; I havnt been so very extravagant. I live ever so quietly; I dont drink; I dont bet much; and I never go regularly on the razzle-dazzle4 as you did when you were my age.
REV. SAMUEL [Booming hollowly.] Silence, sir.
FRANK
Well, you told me yourself, when I was making ever such an ass of
myself about the barmaid at Redhill, that you once offered a woman .50
for the letters you wrote to her when?
REV. SAMUEL [Terrified.] Sh-sh-sh, Frank, for heaven's sake! [He looks round apprehensively. Seeing no one Within earshot he plucks up courage to boom again, but more subduedly.] You are taking an ungentlemanly advantage of what I confided to you for your own good, to save you from an error you would have repented all your life long. Take warning by your father's follies, sir; and dont make them an excuse for your own. FRANK
Did you ever hear the story of the Duke of Wellington5 and his letters?
REV. SAMUEL
NO, sir; and I dont want to hear it.
FRANK
The old Iron Duke didnt throw away .50: not he. He just wrote: 'Dear
Jenny: publish and be damned! Yours affectionately, Wellington.' Thats
what you should have done.
REV. SAMUEL
[Piteously. ] Frank, my boy: when I wrote those letters I put myself into that woman's power. When I told you about them I put myself,
to some extent, I am sorry to say, in your power. She refused my money with
these words, which I shall never forget. 'Knowledge is power' she said; 'and
I never sell power.' Thats more than twenty years ago; and she has never
made use of her power or caused me a moment's uneasiness. You are behav
ing worse to me than she did, Frank.
FRANK
Oh yes I dare say! Did you ever preach at her the way you preach at
me every day?
REV. SAMUEL
[Wounded almost to tears.] I leave you sir. You are incorrigible. [He turns towards the gate.]
FRANK [Utterly unmoved.] Tell them I shant be home to tea, will you, gov'nor, like a good fellow? [He moves towards the cottage door and is met by PFIAED and VIVIE coming out. ]
VIVIE. [To FRANK.] Is that your father, Frank? I do so want to meet him. FRANK Certainly. [Calling after his father.] Gov'nor. Youre wanted. [The parson turns at the gate, fumbling nervously at his hat. PRAED crosses the garden to the opposite side, beaming in anticipation of civilities.] iMy father: Miss Warren.
VIVIE [Going to the clergyman and shaking his hand.] Very glad to see you here, Mr Gardner. [Calling to the cottage.] Mother: come along: youre wanted. [MRS WARREN appears on the threshold, and is immediately transfixed recognizing the clergyman.] VIVIE [Continuing.] Let me introduce? MRS WARREN [Swooping on the REVEREND SAMUEL.] Why, it's Sam Gardner, gone into the Church! Well, I never! Dont you know us, Sam? This is George Crofts, as large as life and twice as natural. Dont you remember me?
4. I.e., out on the town. 5. Arthur Wellesley (1769?1852), military hero and statesmen.
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MRS WARREN'S PROFESSION, ACT 2 / 1757
REV. SAMUEL [Very red. ] I really?er?
MRS WARREN
Of course you do. Why, 1 have a whole album of your letters
still: I came across them only the other day.
REV. SAMUEL
[Miserably confused.] Miss Vavasour, I believe. MRS WARREN [Correcting him quickly in a loud whisper.] Tch! Nonsense! Mrs Warren: dont you see my daughter there?
Act 2
