my lady, but when carnal embrace is sinful it is a
sin of the flesh, QED.3 We had caro in our Gallic Wars4?'The Britons live on milk and meat'?'lacte et came vivunt'. I am sorry that the seed fell on stony ground.5
THOMASINA That was the sin of Onan,6 wasn't it, Septimus?
SEPTIMUS Yes. He was giving his brother's wife a Latin lesson and she was hardly the wiser after it than before. I thought you were finding a proof for Fermat's last theorem.7
THOMASINA It is very difficult, Septimus. You will have to show me how.
SEPTIMUS If I knew how, there would be no need to ask you. Fermat's last theorem has kept people busy for a hundred and fifty years, and I hoped it would keep you busy long enough for me to read Mr Chater's poem in praise of love with only the distraction of its own absurdities.
4. Glass-panelled door in the outside wail of a 4. Julius Caesar's history of his wars in Gaul house, serving as a window and a door. (France), De Bella Gallico. 5. Textbook. 5. Cf. Matthew 13.3-8: Christ's parable of the 6. Book, a quarter of the size of a traditional print-sower who 'went forth to sow.' ing sheet, approximately the size of a modern 6. Cf. Genesis 38.9. Thomasina mischievously novel. confuses the sower's seed with the semen Onan 7. Published at author's expense. 'spilled .. . on the ground' rather than impregnate 8. Surveyor's measuring instrument, a telescope his brother's wife. mounted on a tripod. 7. Famous problem proposed by the French math9. Sexual intercourse. ematician Pierre de Fermat (1601?1665) and 1. Wordplay on well-hung. described by Septimus on p. 2755. See also 2. Latin. p. 2757. Often held to be unprovable, Fermat's last 3. Initials indicating a problem has been solved: theorem was proved by Professor Andrew Wiles a quod eral demonstrandum ('as has been demon-few months after Arcadia was first performed. strated,' Latin).
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ARCADIA II.5 / 2755
THOMASINA Our Mr Chater has written a poem?
SEPTIMUS He believes he has written a poem, yes. I can see that there might be more carnality in your algebra than in Mr Chater's 'Couch of Eros'.8 THOMASINA Oh, it was not my algebra. I heard Jellaby telling cook that Mrs
Chater was discovered in carnal embrace in the gazebo. SEPTIMUS [Pause] Really? With whom, did Jellaby happen to say?
[THOMASINA considers this with a puzzled frown.] THOMASINA What do you mean, with whom? SEPTIMUS With what? Exactly so. The idea is absurd. Where did this story
come from? THOMASINA Mr Noakes. SEPTIMUS Mr Noakes! THOMASINA Papa's landskip9 architect. He was taking bearings in the garden
when he saw?through his spyglass?Mrs Chater in the gazebo in carnal
embrace. SEPTIMUS And do you mean to tell me that Mr Noakes told the butler? THOMASINA No. Mr Noakes told Mr Chater. Jellaby was told by the groom,
who overheard Mr Noakes telling Mr Chater, in the stable yard. SEPTIMUS Mr Chater being engaged in closing the stable door.1 THOMASINA What do you mean, Septimus? SEPTIMUS So, thus far, the only people who know about this are Mr Noakes
the landskip architect, the groom, the butler, the cook and, of course, Mrs Chater's husband, the poet. THOMASINA And Arthur who was cleaning the silver, and the bootboy. And
now you. SEPTIMUS Of course. What else did he say? THOMASINA Mr Noakes? SEPTIMUS No, not Mr Noakes. Jellaby. You heard Jellaby telling the cook. THOMASINA Cook hushed him almost as soon as he started. Jellaby did not
see that I was being allowed to finish yesterday's upstairs'2 rabbit pie before
I came to my lesson. I think you have not been candid with me, Septimus.
A gazebo is not, after all, a meat larder. SEPTIMUS I never said my definition was complete.
THOMASINA Is carnal embrace kissing?
SEPTIMUS Yes.
THOMASINA And throwing one's arms around Mrs Chater? SEPTIMUS Yes. Now, Fermat's last theorem? THOMASINA I thought as much. I hope you are ashamed. SEPTIMUS I, my lady? THOMASINA If you do not teach me the true meaning of things, who will? SEPTIMUS Ah. Yes, I am ashamed. Carnal embrace is sexual congress, which
is the insertion of the male genital organ into the female genital organ for
purposes of procreation and pleasure. Fermat's last theorem, by contrast,
asserts that when x, y and z are whole numbers each raised to power of n,
the sum of the first two can never equal the third when n is greater than 2.
[Pause. ]
THOMASINA Eurghhh!
8. Greek god of love. 2. As prepared for Lord and Lady Croom and their 9. Landscape. guests ('upstairs,' as distinct from the servants 1. Proverbial saying that continues 'after the 'below stairs'). horse has bolted.'
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2756 / TOM STOPPARD
SEPTIMUS Nevertheless, that is the theorem. THOMASINA It is disgusting and incomprehensible. Now when I am grown to practise it myself I shall never do so without thinking of you. SEPTIMUS Thank you very much, my lady. Was Mrs Chater down this
