sir! SEPTIMUS For that alone, I would not make her a widow. CHATER Captain Brice once made the same observation! SEPTIMUS Captain Brice did? CHATER Mr Hodge, allow me to inscribe your copy in happy anticipation.
Lady Thomasina's pen will serve us. SEPTIMUS Your connection with Lord and Lady Croom you owe to your fighting her ladyship's brother?
CHATER No! It was all nonsense, sir?a canard!6 But a fortunate mistake, sir. It brought me the patronage of a captain of His Majesty's Navy and the brother of a countess. I do not think Mr Walter Scott7 can say as much, and here I am, a respected guest at Sidley Park.
SEPTIMUS Well, sir, you can say you have received satisfaction.
[CHATER is already inscribing the book, using the pen and ink-pot on the table, NOAKES enters through the door used by CHATER. He carries rolled-up plans, CHATER, inscribing, ignores NOAKES. NOAKES on seeing the occupants, panics.]
NOAKES Oh!
SEPTIMUS Ah, Mr Noakes?my muddy-mettled8 rascal! Where's your spyglass?
5. Other writers'books. (1771-1832). 6. Malicious gossip. 8. Dirty-minded. 7. Best-selling Scottish poet and, later, novelist
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2760 / TOM STOPPARD
NOAKES I beg your leave?1 thought her ladyship?excuse me? [He is beating an embarrassed retreat when he becomes rooted by CHATER'S voice, CHATER reads his inscription in ringing tones.]
CHATER 'TO my friend Septimus Hodge, who stood up9 and gave his best on behalf of the Author?Ezra Chater, at Sidley Park, Derbyshire, April 10th, 1809.' [Giving the book to SEPTIMUS.] There, sir?something to show your grandchildren!
SEPTIMUS This is more than I deserve, this is handsome, what do you say, Noakes?
[They are interrupted by the appearance, outside the windows, of LADY CROOM and CAPTAIN EDWARD BRICE, RN.' Her first words arrive through the open door.]
LADY CROOM Oh, no! Not the gazebo! [She enters, followed by BRICE who carries a leatherbound sketch book. ]
Mr Noakes! What is this I hear? BRICE Not only the gazebo, but the boat-house, the Chinese bridge, the
shrubbery? CHATER By God, sir! Not possible! BRICE Mr Noakes will have it so. SEPTIMUS Mr Noakes, this is monstrous! LADY CROOM I am glad to hear it from you, Mr Hodge. THOMASINA [Opening the door from the music room.] May I return now? SEPTIMUS [Attempting to close the door.] Not just yet? LADY CROOM Yes, let her stay. A lesson in folly is worth two in wisdom.
[BRICE takes the sketch book to the reading stand, where he lays it open. The sketch book is the work of MR NOAKES, who is obviously an admirer of Humphry Repton's 'Red Books'.2 The pages, drawn in watercolours, show 'before' and 'after' views of the landscape, and the pages are cunningly cut to allow the latter to be superimposed over portions of the former, though Repton did it the other way round.]
BBICE IS Sidley Park to be an Englishman's garden or the haunt of Corsican
brigands? SEPTIMUS Let us not hyperbolize, sir. BRICE It is rape, sir! NOAKES [Defending himself.] It is the modern style. CHATER [Under the same misapprehension as SEPTIMUS.] Regrettable, of
course, but so it is.
[THOMASINA has gone to examine the sketch book.]
LADY CROOM Mr Chater, you show too much submission. Mr Hodge. I appeal to you.
SEPTIMUS Madam, I regret the gazebo, I sincerely regret the gazebo?and the boat-house up to a point?but the Chinese bridge, fantasy!?and the shrubbery I reject with contempt! Mr Chater!?would you take the word of a jumped-up jobbing gardener3 who sees carnal embrace in every nook and cranny of the landskip!
THOMASINA Septimus, they are not speaking of carnal embrace, are you, Mama?
9. Cf. Septimus's 'perpendicular poke in a ing 'before' and 'after' views of his clients' gazebo' (p. 2758). grounds. Noakes is proposing to Gothicize the clas1. See p. 2753, n. 2. sical English landscape of Sidley Park. 2. Repton (1752-1818), a landscape architect, 3. Presumptuously conceited odd-job gardener. presented his designs in so-called Red Books show
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ARCADIA II.5 / 2761
LADY CROOM Certainly not. What do you know of carnal embrace? THOMASINA Everything, thanks to Septimus. In my opinion, Mr Noakes's
scheme for the garden is perfect. It is a Salvator!4 LADY CROOM What does she mean? NOAKES [Answering the wrong question.] Salvator Rosa, your ladyship, the
painter. He is indeed the very exemplar of the picturesque style. BRICE Hodge, what is this? SEPTIMUS She speaks from innocence not from experience. BRICE You call it innocence? Has he ruined you, child?
[Pause.] SEPTIMUS Answer your uncle! THOMASINA [To SEPTIMUS.] How is a ruined child different from a ruined
castle? SEPTIMUS On such questions I defer to Mr Noakes. NOAKES [Out of his depth.] A ruined castle is picturesque, certainly. SEPTIMUS That is the main difference. [To BRICE.] I teach the classical
authors. If I do not elucidate their meaning, who will? BRICE As her tutor you have a duty to keep her in ignorance. LADY CROOM Do not dabble in paradox, Edward, it puts you in danger of
