CHLOE I bet she's in the hermitage, can't see from here with the marquee ...1 BERNARD Are you having a garden party? CHLOE A dance for the district, our annual dressing up and general drunk
enness. The wrinklies won't have it in the house, there was a teapot we once had to bag back from Christie's2 in the nick of time, so anything that can be destroyed, stolen or vomited on has been tactfully removed; tactlessly, I should say?
7. Angry expletive. 1. Large tent. 8. On the way to. 2. Rescue from Christie's, famous London firm of 9. They would not allow portable toilets for auctioneers. women in the garden.
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ARCADIA II.5 / 2765
[She is about to leave. ] BERNARD Um?look?would you tell her?would you mind not mentioning
my name just yet? CHLOE Oh. All right. BERNARD [Smiling.] More fun to surprise her. Would you mind? CHLOE No. But she's bound to ask . . . Should I give you another name, just
for the moment? BERNARD Yes, why not? CHLOE Perhaps another bird, you're not really a Nightingale.
[She leaves again. BERNARD glances over the books on the table. He puts
his briefcase down. There is the distant pop-pop of a shotgun. It takes
BERNARD vaguely to the window. He looks out. The door he entered by
now opens and GUS looks into the room. BERNARD turns and sees him.] BERNARD Hello. [GUS doesn't speak. He never speaks. Perhaps he cannot speak. He has no composure, and faced with a stranger, he caves in and leaves again. A moment later the other door opens again and VALENTINE crosses the room, not exactly ignoring BERNARD and yet ignoring him.] VALENTINE Sod, sod, sod, sod, sod, sod . . . [As many times as it takes him to
leave by the opposite door, which he closes behind him. Beyond it, he can be
heard shouting. Chlo! Chlo! BERNARD'S discomfort increases. The same door
opens and VALENTINE returns. He looks at BERNARD.]
BERNARD She's in the garden looking for Miss Jarvis. VALENTINE Where is everything? BERNARD It's been removed for the, er . . . VALENTINE The dance is all in the tent, isn't it? BERNARD Yes, but this is the way to the nearest toilet. VALENTINE I need the commode.3 BERNARD Oh. Can't you use the toilet? VALENTINE It's got all the game books in it. BERNARD Ah. The toilet has or the commode has? VALENTINE IS anyone looking after you? BERNARD Yes. Thank you. I'm Bernard Nigh?I've come to see Miss Jarvis. I
wrote to Lord Croom but unfortunately I never received a reply, so I? VALENTINE Did you type it? BERNARD Type it? VALENTINE Was your letter typewritten? BERNARD Yes.
VALENTINE My father never replies to typewritten letters. [He spots a tortoise which has been half-hidden on the table.]
Oh! Where have you been hiding, Lightning? [He picks up the tortoise.] BERNARD So I telephoned yesterday and I think I spoke to you? VALENTINE To me? Ah! Yes! Sorry! You're doing a talk about?someone?and
you wanted to ask Hannah?something? BERNARD Yes. As it turns out. I'm hoping Miss Jarvis will look kindly on me. VALENTINE I doubt it. BERNARD Ah, you know about research? VALENTINE I know Hannah. BERNARD Has she been here long?
3. Lavatory bowl enclosed in a chair or box with a cover.
.
276 6 / TOM STOPPARD
VALENTINE Well in possession,4 I'm afraid. My mother had read her book,
you see. Have you? BERNARD No. Yes. Her book. Indeed. VALENTINE She's terrifically pleased with herself. BERNARD Well, I dare say if I wrote a bestseller? VALENTINE NO, for reading it. My mother basically reads gardening books. BERNARD She must be delighted to have Hannah Jarvis writing a book about
her garden. VALENTINE Actually it's about hermits. [GUS returns through the same door, and turns to leave again.] It's all right, Gus?what do you want?? [But GUS has gone again.] Well . . . I'll take Lightning for his run. BERNARD Actually, we've met before. At Sussex,' a couple of years ago, a
seminar . . . VALENTINE Oh. Was I there? BERNARD Yes. One of my colleagues believed he had found an unattributed
short story by D. H. Lawrence,6 and he analysed it on his home computer, most interesting, perhaps you remember the paper? VALENTINE Not really. But I often sit with my eyes closed and it doesn't necessarily mean I'm awake.
BERNARD Well, by comparing sentence structures and so forth, this chap showed that there was a ninety per cent chance that the story had indeed been written by the same person as Women in Love. To my inexpressible joy, one of your maths mob was able to show that on the same statistical basis there was a ninety per cent chance that Lawrence also wrote the Just William books and much of the previous day's Brighton and Hove Argus.7
VALENTINE [Pause.] Oh, Brighton. Yes. I was there. [And looking out.] Oh? here she comes, I'll leave you to talk. By the way, is yours the red Mazda?
BERNARD Yes.
VALENTINE If you want a tip I'd put it out of sight through the stable arch before my father comes in. He won't have anyone in the house with a Japanese car. Are you queer?
BERNARD No, actually.
VALENTINE Well, even so. [VALENTINE leaves, closing the door. BERNARD kee-ps staring at the closed door. Behind him, HANNAH comes to the garden door.]
