Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish
to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to
Scotland Yard5 about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.
ALGERNON
Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up.6
JACK
There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.
[Enter LANE with the cigarette case on a salver. ALGERNON takes it at once, LANE goes out.]
ALGERNON
I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case and examines if.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn't yours after all.
JACK
Of course it's mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.
It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.
ALGERNON
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one
should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture
depends on what one shouldn't read.
5. Police headquarters in London. 6. Short of money.
.
1 1702 / OSCAR WILDE
JACK
I am quite aware of the fact, and I don't propose to discuss modern
culture. It isn't the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want
my cigarette case back.
ALGERNON
Yes; but this isn't your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a pres
ent from someone of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn't know
anyone of that name.
JACK
Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.
ALGERNON
Your aunt!
JACK
Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells.7 Just give
it back to me, Algy.
ALGERNON [retreating to back of sofa. ] But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] 'From little Cecily with her fondest love.'
JACK [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven's sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows Algy round the room.]
ALGERNON
Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? 'From little
Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.' There is no objection,
I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what
her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can't quite make
out. Besides, your name isn't Jack at all; it is Ernest.
JACK
It isn't Ernest; it's Jack.
ALGERNON
You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to everyone as Ernest. You answer to the
