very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!
JACK
That wouldn't be at all a bad thing.
ALGERNON
Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don't try it.
You should leave that to people who haven't been at a University. They do
it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was
quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most
advanced Bunburyists I know.
JACK
What on earth do you mean?
ALGERNON
You have invented a very useful young brother called Ernest, in
order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like. I have
invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I
may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is
perfectly invaluable. If it wasn't for Bunbury's extraordinary bad health, for
instance, I wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's tonight, for I have
been really engaged9 to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.
JACK
I haven't asked you to dine with me anywhere tonight.
ALGERNON
I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.
It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving
invitations.
JACK
You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.
ALGERNON
I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To
begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to
dine with one's own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there
I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with' either
no woman at all, or two. In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she
will place me next to, tonight. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who
always flirts with her own husband across the dinner table. That is not very
pleasant. Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enor
9. I.e., committed to attend her dinner party. St. James's Street, in the center of London. 'Willis's': a first- class restaurant in the vicinity of 1. I.e., required to escort, as a dinner partner.
.
1 1704 / OSCAR WILDE
mously on the increase. The amount of women in London who flirt with
their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply
washing one's clean linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a
confirmed Bunburyist, I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I
want to tell you the rules.
JACK
I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill
my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case. Cecily is a little too much
interested in him. It is rather a bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And
I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend
