And inside, my stomach hurt, my hands were sweaty and shaking, and I could tell people knew I didn’t belong.
I’ve always felt like that at parties. It’s why I started drinking before J and I got there, so that walking inside wouldn’t be so hard. I needed that escape from myself.
I turned to Caro, ready to tell her I needed to leave, that I had to leave, when Mel showed up. He looked as freaked as I felt and like he was trying to hide from someone.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he told Caro, and that’s when I knew Beth was out there, in the crowd of people around us, newly single and extremely unhappy about it.
“Can we go somewhere and talk?”
Caro looked at me and I knew the ten-minute, we-stick-together plan was gone. I don’t know why I even fell for it in the fi rst place. How many times did I agree to it 261
when Julia and I went to parties where Kevin was going to be and end up alone?
“I can’t,” she said. “Amy and I can only stay for a few minutes.”
“Oh,” Mel said, and looked at me. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
Classy. “Nice to see you too.”
“That’s not what I meant. Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair, looked out at everyone carefully pretending they weren’t watching, and then looked back at Caro. “Just a few minutes. Please.”
“Are you feeling okay? Do we need to go?”
I looked at Caro and realized she was talking to me.
I realized she was going to tell Mel she couldn’t talk and that we had to go. Not because she didn’t want to talk to him, but because she’d realized I was freaked out and was willing to leave so I could get out of there.
I know she was terrified of running into Beth too. But she did mean it because when I said, “No, go talk to him,”
she shook her head and whispered, “I’m sorry. I should have realized—this must be so hard for you.”
“Go,” I said, and plastered what I hoped was a smile on my face.
“Ten minutes,” Caro said, and then she and Mel disappeared into the crowd. I forced myself to look around 262
even though my hands were shaking. Even though all of me was shaking.
This was what I saw:
People were dancing. People were making out. People were drinking. People were talking.
That was it. That’s all there was to see.
Just people having fun, and I knew it was stupid to worry about being there. It was stupid to be scared.
But I was scared. I wanted to get out of there.
But more than that, I wanted a drink.
And since I was at a party, I knew I could get one.
There was a keg and a bunch of bottles on a make-shift bar not too far away, in the corner of the room.
Twenty steps, maybe. All I had to do was walk over there.
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t because if the people were less lame and the music was louder and the room a little darker, I could have been at the last party I went to. I could have been with Julia.
I walked away, tottering in my flat-soled sneakers like they were a pair of those monster shoes Julia would strap herself into, the ones with the stacked heels that made me so tall I smacked my head into her bedroom door the time she dared me to try them on.
263
I walked away, but I didn’t leave. I wanted that drink, I wanted to forget, and I’d been to enough parties to know where to look for the parental liquor stash, for those bottles that had been hidden because they’re the ones that are monitored.
Even wobbling and sweating, J’s face at that last party all I could see, I found it in less than five minutes. Mel’s parents had a very nice liquor cabinet, with a tricky lock, but when I got it open it was empty.
Mel might have been dating Beth, but he’s still pretty smart.
I could have left then. Probably should have. But I knew where to look next, though, and headed upstairs, pretended not to see the bedrooms with their closed doors, pretended J’s face wasn’t all around me, and went straight for the bathroom.
I found the liquor cabinet stash and a set of mono-grammed glasses in the bathroom hamper, under a pile of dirty and wet towels. There was scotch, bourbon, and a nice bottle of vodka, the kind that’s good enough to come in glass, not plastic.
My hands were shaking when I opened the vodka, but not because I was scared. No, I wasn’t scared anymore. I wanted a drink, I wanted that escape from my thoughts.
From everything. God, I wanted it.
