'Good. If you could get me a pair of surgical gloves, that would be great.'
'I'll get right on it,' said Brant, walking away from the stage.
'Places, everyone!' said the director.
Stanley found his stride again as they launched into the second segment of the interview, though he wasn't sure it was necessary to repeat the clip of him screaming in his underwear. He was (mostly) witty without being sarcastic (often), and managed to convey a (partially simulated) grateful tone.
'So you wouldn't mind if I tugged on your face, would you?' asked Donald, slipping on the surgical gloves.
'Of course not. I'd welcome it.'
Donald stepped over to Stanley's chair and knelt down next to him. 'I have to say, if this is a makeup job, it's the best makeup job in the world. There is not a seam to be found. And you can see how close up our high-def camera is getting. I also would like to assure the viewing audience at home that there is no post-production tampering going on here. We are indeed broadcasting live, and to prove it I can share that the Cowboys just went into their third quarter with a 14-6 lead.' Donald hesitated. 'Hopefully none of you were recording the game to watch later. If so, you have my apologies.'
Donald poked Stanley's cheek, somewhat harder than Stanley would have liked. 'I know that you at home can't feel what I'm feeling, but you can at least see that this is not rubber or foam latex. And watch when I tug on his skin.' Donald pinched his cheek and yanked on it. 'That, ladies and gentlemen, is genuine flesh.'
'You can stop now,' said Stanley.
'Can I squeeze your nose?'
'Uh, no.'
'Stanley, I'm trying to prove that you are truly what you say you are.'
'Can I squeeze your nose?'
Donald blinked. 'Certainly,' he said, uncertainly.
Stanley reached over and squeezed Donald's nose between his thumb and index finger. Donald did the same to what little existed of Stanley's nose. They squeezed each other's noses for a long moment and then released their grip.
'And that's going to be on the front page of every newspaper in the country tomorrow,' said Donald.
Stanley nodded. 'Some guy on the Internet has already made the t-shirts.'
The rest of the interview continued without any pinching or squeezing. Though there were a couple of other slip-ups and lame answers, Stanley had to say that it had been a darn good hour of television.
'I've really enjoyed talking to you and hearing your fascinating story,' said Donald, shaking Stanley's hand as the bad music swelled. He turned to the camera. 'Ladies and gentlemen, you've met The Amazing Mr. Corpse. He's not a shambling, flesh-eating beast like you'd expect, but rather a kind-hearted human being who has learned that life truly is worth living. Can't we all take a page from Stanley Dabernath's book and appreciate the gifts around us just a little bit more? I'm Donald Mandigan. Good night.'
'That was wonderful!' said Veronica, giving Stanley a big hug. 'You did great!'
'Thanks.'
'It was quite acceptable,' said Brant, extending his hand. 'I'm very pleased.'
Stanley wasn't keen on the idea of breaking his hug with Veronica in order to shake Brant's hand, but he did so anyway. 'Thanks. Do you think people will like me?'
'We'll find out.'
'Guess what?' Veronica asked. 'Tomorrow's your big day.'
'I thought today was my big day.'
'Nope. Tomorrow.'
'What happens tomorrow? Mandigan and I quit the nose foreplay and just go at it like wild animals?'
'Tomorrow, Stanley, you get to head out and speak to your adoring public in person!'
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
'I thought he was kinda funny. I wasn't expecting that from a dead guy, y'know? I mean, I wouldn't want him hanging around my restaurant or anything, but he seems like a nice guy.'
'The corpse man came off pretty well, all things considered. I don't know; I still think it's probably a hoax. With those computer effects you can pretty much do anything you want.'
'They don't need to be showing that kind of scary-ass shit on TV when my kids are still up. That zombie motherfucker would keep my ass up all night, so what kind of nightmares you think my kids had? They oughta be ashamed.'
'In a world where overpopulation is a constant problem, we have no business bringing the dead back to life!'
'My son already wants to be Mr. Corpse for Halloween. I keep telling him, Halloween is a long way away, but he just gets so excited!'
'Mr. Corpse is hot. I don't know if he's got diseases and all that, but if he got himself tested, I'd do him.'
'What a load of crap. I mean, what a load of crap. Do they think we're stupid? Is that what they think? Do they think we're all a bunch of stupid idiots who'll buy their load of crap? I saw that same actor last week on a CSI repeat. They need to fire Donald Maninnen, and they need to burn that stupid-looking mask. My kid could make a better mask than that. What a load of crap.'
'What bothers me is that people can't see what's going on here. You don't think the government funded this project? Guy back from the dead? Hell-oooo, killing machine, anyone?'