‘I had to protect a friend,’ I explained.
‘That’s fine, but you’re not working with me!’ Jakub snarled.
I stood up to go, but Chaim pushed me back down roughly. ‘What do you really do?’ he asked.
‘I’m a failed novelist,’ I replied, since it seemed safer to keep pretending I was someone other than myself.
Jakub laughed at the absurdity, and Jan sneered, ‘You’re useless!’
‘Get up!’ Chaim ordered. He pointed to the door. ‘Wait outside while we talk.’
When he called me back in, he told me that Jakub and Jan had voted against letting me work with them, but that he had overruled them.
‘You’ve got three days to learn enough to hold your own,’ he told me in a voice of warning.
I worked hard, but after three days I was still pretty much useless with the tiny screwdrivers and pliers. Chaim came up with a solution, however; I would polish all the watches that he and his colleagues fixed, thereby doing a quarter of our total work. Jan found that acceptable, but Jakub cursed me. He also began referring to me as
One night, about a week later, I awakened to find Jakub leaning over me, whispering Hebrew words I didn’t understand. When I tried to sit up, he pushed me back down. Then he tugged my shoes off my feet.
‘What’ll I wear?’ I asked, moaning.
‘That’s your problem!’
As he crawled back in his bunk, I realized that when we’d first met, he’d studied me for what I had that might be worth stealing.
The camp had an active black market, and in exchange for five days’ worth of the rancid broth that passed for our soup, I was soon able to obtain flimsy leather shoes – three sizes too big – that I stuffed with newspaper.
Jakub then started taking my bread right out of my hands, mocking me when I refused to fight him for it and only stopping when a bigger prisoner put a homemade knife to his neck.
Jakub wanted to punish me as much as he wanted life. Maybe they were even the same thing for him.
Sometimes I think he uttered a magical curse over me on the night he stole my shoes, or on another occasion when I didn’t wake up in time to know he was with me, and that’s why I’m still here.
Before the ghetto, I’d have thought that was impossible, Heniek, but listen…
Jakub’s brother-in-law was a rabbi from Chelm named Kolmosin – a sturdy little red-nosed man, maybe fifty years old. He and Jakub used to pray together on Friday evenings behind a burlap curtain they hung over their adjoining bunks. The rumour I heard was that the rabbi was a descendant of Shabbetai Tzvi, and that he knew powerful incantations that had been passed down from branch to branch in their family tree for twenty generations – incantations that governed life and death. He had bribed the guards to be able to keep a Torah the size of a deck of cards with him, and we often caught glimpses of him huddled over it, making rapid annotations with a tiny pencil. Chaim told me that if he wrote down your name, your destiny would change, and it would be good or bad depending on the nature of the verse in which he had inserted it. In consequence, prisoners would try to win Kolmosin’s good graces by polishing his shoes or darning his socks, or by giving him smuggled cigarettes, sugar or other small gifts. He was the only prisoner I ever saw in a clean white shirt. He lived like a pasha.
Once, in August, I saw the would-be holy man sitting naked on his red velvet cushion and singing to himself. He carried that ridiculous velvet cushion with him everywhere because of his haemorrhoids – which were apparently beyond the control of his magical annotations. Later, he taught the oriental-sounding tune to Jakub and some of the other prisoners. He claimed that he’d learned it in a vision and that it would keep us safe.
I was of the opinion that singing ‘
Grudgingly, I have to admit that I have come to believe in magic, though I remain an atheist. A paradox? Probably, but what could be more common than that?
On waking and going to sleep, I’d picture Liesel sitting with Petrina on a beach near Izmir. I wrote long letters to her in my head, and while I was polishing watches, I’d often daydream about her, though my favourite fantasy was of Izzy surprising Louis – appearing at his door one day, unannounced. In my mind, the two men embraced for a long time, and then went for an arm-in-arm promenade along the Seine. Sometimes I joined them for tea and cake at Les Deux Magots.
I lived inside my head. For hours at a time, I’d walk through the Warsaw of my childhood and the London of my honeymoon, and the tours I took by myself – and sometimes with Hannah – kept a small pale flame alive inside me.
Come September, I was nearly always freezing, and often sapped of strength by a cold or diarrhoea. My body had become a cumbersome nuisance, and – like most of the men – I longed to be able to discard it.
There were a thousand of us in the camp – a thousand moths caught in a black and red lamp, fluttering against the glass of our Jewish identities.
But one of us found a way out, and his escape soon became mine as well.
On the morning of 7 December, our German guards noticed that a prisoner from Lublin named Maurice Pilch was missing. He had been a tannery worker. It was later discovered that he had concealed himself inside a shipment of hide bound for Austria. In effect, he’d mailed himself to Graz for Hanukkah!
The camp inmates were cheered by Maurice’s witty escape, but only briefly; the commandant, Wolfgang Mohwinkel, decided to execute ten men to compensate for Pilch’s effrontery.
An hour or so after this news spread through the camp, Chaim, Jan, Jakub and I heard screaming outside the barracks where we worked and rushed outside. Two guards had caught a teenaged prisoner and pinned him to the ground. One of them had his right knee pressing hard into the young man’s chest. We called this particular guard Caligula, because he enjoyed murder and was good at it. So far, he’d shot seven men for sport as they sat on the latrine.
Caligula told us gleefully that the boy was one of the ten Jews to be hanged. ‘The commandant likes ’em young!’ he gloated, as though he were talking about rape.
The trapped teenager had freckles and stiff blond hair like a brush. Chaim knew his name – Albert – and that he worked in the printing shop with his father. They were from Radom.
Caligula soon took away his knee and pressed his club over Albert’s neck so that he’d stop screaming.
I learned that day that a boy will punch and kick like a demon to see his seventeenth birthday, even if his windpipe is being crushed and he is unable to draw any breath.
‘He looks like a beetle on his back,’ Jakub whispered in a sneering tone.
After what seemed an excruciatingly long struggle, though it may have been only half a minute, Albert stopped gagging and flailing. His arms relaxed and his head sagged to the side. His eyes closed.
I thought he was dead, but the guard knew differently. Sensing a good time to be had, he eased off on the boy’s neck. After a second or two, Albert’s eyes fluttered open and he gulped for breath. He tried to sit up, but Caligula pushed him back down.
The Nazi brute called me over. ‘Stand on the ends of my club!’ he ordered.
Albert’s brown eyes shifted urgently to me, pleading for mercy. He tried to speak, but the German pressed down harder.
The weight of even my flimsy body would have broken the young man’s neck, so I shook my head.
‘Stand on the club or I’ll shoot him!’ Caligula yelled at me.
‘I can’t,’ I replied, though I knew he would carry out his threat.
‘Do it, you Jewish pig!’ he shouted.
‘Take me instead,’ I told him; it was all I could think of saying that would end this stalemate, though I admit I wanted to retract my offer a moment later.
But Caligula didn’t give me time for that.
