'I did not.'
'Did too.'
'Liar!'
'Thief!'
'Citizens,' I said, 'I can only listen to one side at a time. Now then, you! Tell me what you remember being said.'
That's right. I said. There I was, sitting on the very throne I had decided to avoid at all cost.
Actually, this king business wasn't all that rough. Rodrick had briefed me on basic procedure and provided me with a wardrobe, and from there it was fairly simple. The problems paraded before me weren't all that hard to solve, but there were lots of them.
At first I was scared, then for a while it was fun. Now it was just boring. I had lost count of how many cases I had listened to, but I had developed a new sympathy for Rodrick's desire to get away for a while. I was ready for a vacation before lunch rolled around. It was beyond my comprehension how he had lasted for years of this nonsense.
You may wonder how I went from talking with Massha to sitting on the throne. Well, I wonder myself from time to time, but here's what happened as near as I can reconstruct it.
Needless to say, her request to work as my apprentice caught me unprepared.
'M … my … but Massha. You already have a job as a court magician. Why would you want to apprentice yourself to me?'
In response, Massha heaved a great sigh. It was a startling phenomenon to watch. Not just because there was so much of Massha moving in so many different directions, but because when she was done, she seemed to have deflated to nearly half her original size. She was no longer an imposing figure, just a rather tired looking fat woman.
'Look, Skeeve,' she said in a low voice that bore no resemblance to her normal vampish tones. 'If we're going to work together, we've got to be honest with each other. Court magician or not, we both know that I don't know any magik. I'm a mechanic … a gimmick freak. I've got enough magik baubles to hold down a job, but any bozo with a big enough bankroll could buy the same stuff at the Bazaar at Deva.
'Now, mind you, I'm not complaining. Old Massha's been kicked around by some of the best and nobody's ever heard her complain. I've been happy with what I have up to now. It's just when I saw you and your rat pack put one over on both city-states at the Big Game with some real magik, I knew there was something to learn besides how to operate gimmicks. So whatta ya say? Will you help me learn a little of the stuff I really got into the magik biz for?'
Her honesty was making me more than a little uncomfortable. I wanted to help her, but I sure didn't want an apprentice right now. I decided to stall.
'Why did you choose magik for a profession, anyway?'
That got me a sad smile.
'You're sweet, Skeeve, but we were going to be honest with each other, remember? I mean, look at me. What am I supposed to do for a living? Get married and be a housewife? Who would have me? Even a blind man could figure out in no time flat that I was more than he had bargained for … a lot more. I resigned myself to the way I look a long time ago. I accepted it and covered up any embarrassment I felt with loud talk and flamboyant airs. It was only natural that a profession like magik that thrives on loud talk and flamboyant airs would attract me.'
'We aren't all loud talk,' I said cautiously.
'I know,' she smiled. 'You don't have to act big because you've got the clout to deliver what you promise. It impressed me on Jahk, and everyone I talked to at the Bazaar on Deva said the same thing. 'Skeeve doesn't strut much, but don't start a fight with him.' That's why I want you for my teacher. I already know how to talk loud.'
Honesty and flattery are a devastating one-two punch. Whatever I thought about her before, right now Massha had me eating out of the palm of her hand. Before I committed myself to anything I might regret later, I decided to try fighting her with her own weapons.
'Massha… we're going to be honest with each other, right? Well, I can't accept you as an apprentice right now for two reasons. The first is simple. I don't know that much magik myself. No matter what kind of scam we pull on the paying customers, including the ones on Deva, the truth is that I'm just a student. I'm still learning the business myself.'
'That's no problem, big bwana,' Maasha laughed, regaining some of her customary composure. 'Magik is like that: the more you learn, the more you find there is to know. That's why the really big guns in our business spend all their time closeted away studying and practicing. You know some magik, and that's some more than I know. I'll be grateful for anything you're willing to teach me.'
'Oh.' I said, a bit surprised that my big confession hadn't fazed her at all. 'Well, there's still the second reason.'
'And that is?'
'… That I'm in a bit of trouble myself. In fact, I was just getting ready to sneak out of the kingdom when you showed up.'
A small frown wrinkled Massha's forehead.
'Hmm…' she said, thoughtfully. 'Maybe you'd better give me some of the details of this trouble you're in. Sometimes talking it out helps, and that's what apprentices are for.'
'They are?' I countered skeptically. 'I've been apprenticed twice, and I don't remember either of the magicians I studied under confiding in me with their problems.'
'Well, that's what Massha's for. Listening happens to be one of the few things I'm really good at. Now give. What's happened to put a high-stepper like you on the run?'
Seeing no easy alternative, I told her about the King's assignment and my subsequent deal with Grimble. She was right. She was an excellent listener, making just enough sympathetic noise to keep me talking without actually interrupting my train of thought.
When I finally wound down, she sighed and shook her head.
'You're right. You've got a real problem there. But I think there are a few things you've overlooked in reaching your final decision.'
'Such as…?'
'Well, first, you're right. A bad king is worse than a good king. The problem is that a bad king is better than no king at all. Roddie Five is counting on you to fill his chair tomorrow, and if you don't show up, the whole kingdom goes into a panic because the king has disappeared.'
'I hadn't thought about it that way,' I admitted.
'Then there's the thing with Grimble. We all pick up a little extra cash when we can, but in this case if it comes out that Grimble paid you to skip out when the King was counting on you, his head goes on the chopping block for treason.'
I closed my eyes.
That did it. It was bad enough to hurt the faceless masses, but when the mass had a face, even if it was Grimble's, I couldn't let him face a treason charge because of my cowardice.
'You're right,' I sighed. 'I'm going to have to sit in for the King tomorrow.'
'With me as your apprentice?''
'Ask me after tomorrow … if I'm still alive. In the meantime, scurry off and say 'Hello' to Badaxe. I know he'll be glad to see you.'
'Your Majesty?'
I snapped back to the present, and realized the two arguers were now looking at me, presumably to render a decision.
'If I understand this case correctly,' I stalled, 'both of you are claiming ownership of the same cat. Correct?'
Two heads bobbed in quick agreement.
'Well, if the two of you can't decide the problem between you, it seems to me there's only one solution. Cut the cat in two and each of you keep half.'
