touching her, I got so confused and I never got the time right. She must have thought I was really slow.
The next thing was she had to go away a minute. I didn’t like it, but I knew I couldn’t expect her to go downstairs. I had to let her go up and I stood on the stairs where I could see if she did any monkey business with the light (the planks weren’t up, I slipped there). The window was high, I knew she couldn’t get out without my hearing, and it was quite a drop. Anyhow she came right out, seeing me on the stairs.
“Can’t you trust me?” She was a bit sharp.
I said, yes, it’s not that.
We went back into the lounge.
“What is it, then?”
If you escaped now, you could still say I imprisoned you. But if I take you home, I can say I released you. I know it’s silly, I said. Of course I was acting it a bit. It was a very difficult situation.
Well, she looked at me, and then she said, “Let’s have a talk. Come and sit here beside me.”
I went and sat.
“What are you going to do when I’ve gone?”
I don’t think about it, I said.
“Will you want to go on seeing me?”
Of course I will.
“You’re definitely going to come and live in London? We’ll make you into someone really modern. Someone really interesting to meet.”
You’d be ashamed of me with all your friends.
It was all unreal. I knew she was pretending just like I was. I had a headache. It was all going wrong.
“I’ve got lots of friends. Do you know why? Because I’m never ashamed of them. All sorts of people. You aren’t the strangest by a long way. There’s one who’s very immoral. But he’s a beautiful painter so we forgive him. And he’s not ashamed. You’ve got to be the same. Not be ashamed. I’ll help you. It’s easy if you try.”
It seemed the moment. Anyway, I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Please marry me, I said. I had the ring in my pocket all ready.
There was a silence.
Everything I’ve got is yours, I said.
“Marriage means love,” she said.
I don’t expect anything, I said. I don’t expect you to do anything that you don’t want. You can do what you like, study art, etcetera. I won’t ask anything, anything of you, except to be my wife in name and live in the same house with me.
She sat staring at the carpet.
You can have your own bedroom and lock it every night, I said.
“But that’s horrible. It’s inhuman! We’ll never understand each other. We don’t have the same sort of heart.”
I’ve got a heart, for all that, I said.
“I just think of things as beautiful or not. Can’t you understand? I don’t think of good or bad. Just of beautiful or ugly. I think a lot of nice things are ugly and a lot of nasty things are beautiful.”
You’re playing with words, I said. All she did was stare at me, then she smiled and got up and stood by the fire, really beautiful. But all withdrawn. Superior.
I suppose you’re in love with that Piers Broughton, I said. I wanted to give her a jolt. She was really surprised, too.
“How do you know about him?”
I told her it was in the papers. It said you and him were unofficially engaged, I said.
I saw right off they weren’t. She just laughed. “He’s the last person I’d marry. I’d rather marry you.”
Then why can’t it be me?
“Because I can’t marry a man to whom I don’t feel I belong in all ways. My mind must be his, my heart must be his, my body must be his. Just as I must feel he belongs to me.”
I belong to you.
“But you don’t! Belonging’s two things. One who gives and one who accepts what’s given. You don’t belong to me because I can’t accept you. I can’t give you anything back.”
I don’t want much.
“I know you don’t. Only the things that I have to give anyway. The way I look and speak and move. But I’m other things. I have other things to give. And I can’t give them to you, because I don’t love you.”
I said, that changes everything then, doesn’t it. I stood up, my head was throbbing. She knew what I meant at once, I could see it in her face, but she pretended not to understand.
“What do you mean?”
You know what I mean, I said.
“I’ll marry you. I’ll marry you as soon as you like.”
Ha ha, I said.
“Isn’t that what you wanted me to say?”
I suppose you think I don’t know you don’t need witnesses and all, I said.
“Well?”
I don’t trust you half an inch, I said.
The way she was looking at me really made me sick. As if I wasn’t human hardly. Not a sneer. Just as if I was something out of outer space. Fascinating almost.
You think I don’t see through all the soft as soap stuff, I said.
She just said, “Ferdinand.” Like she was appealing. Another of her tricks.
Don’t you Ferdinand me, I said.
“You promised. You can’t break your promise.”
I can do what I like.
“But I don’t know what you want of me. How
Shut up, I said.
Then suddenly she acted, I knew it was coming, I was ready for it, what I wasn’t ready for was the sound of a car outside. Just as it came up to the house, she reached with her foot like to warm it, but all of a sudden she kicked a burning log out of the hearth on to the carpet, at the same moment screamed and ran for the window, then seeing they were padlocked, for the door. But I got her first. I didn’t get the chloroform which was in a drawer, speed was the thing. She turned and scratched and clawed at me, still screaming, but I wasn’t in the mood to be gentle, I beat down her arms and got my hand over her mouth. She tore at it and bit and kicked, but I was in a panic by then. I got her round the shoulders and pulled her where the drawer was with the plastic box. She saw what it was, she tried to twist away, her head side to side, but I got the pad out and let her have it. All the time listening, of course. And watching the log, it was smouldering badly, the room was full of smoke. Well, soon as she was under good and proper, I let her go and went and put the fire out, I poured the water from a vase over it. I had to act really fast, I decided to get her down while I had time, which I did, laid her on her bed, then upstairs again to make sure the fire was really out and no one about.
I opened the front door very casual, there was no one there, so it was O.K.
Well, then I went down again.
She was still out, on the bed. She looked a sight, the dress all off one shoulder. I don’t know what it was, it got me excited, it gave me ideas, seeing her lying there right out. It was like I’d showed who was really the master. The dress was right off her shoulder, I could see the top of one stocking. I don’t know what reminded me of it, I remembered an American film I saw once (or was it a magazine) about a man who took a drunk girl home and undressed her and put her to bed, nothing nasty, he just did that and no more and she woke up in his pyjamas.
So I did that. I took off her dress and her stockings and left on certain articles, just the brassiere and the other so as not to go the whole hog. She looked a real picture lying there with only what Aunt Annie called strips of nothing on. (She said it was why more women got cancer.) Like she was wearing a bikini.
It was my chance I had been waiting for. I got the old camera and took some photos, I would have taken
