For a moment she had me at her mercy, it was a miracle she didn’t do me in. She struck down again and I only half got my arm up and I felt a terrible gashing blow in the temple, it made my head ring and the blood seemed to gush out at once. I don’t know how I did it, instinct I suppose, but I kicked out sideways and twisted and she fell sideways, nearly on me, I heard the axe hit the stone.
I got my hand on it and tore it away and threw it on the grass and then I got her hands before she could tear the gag off, that was her game. Well we had another fight, only a few seconds, she must have decided it was no good, she’d had her chance and missed it, she suddenly stopped fighting and I got her in her door and down. I was rough, I was feeling very bad, the blood pouring down my face. I pushed her in, and she gave me a very queer look before I slammed the door and got the bolts home. I didn’t care about her cords and the gag. Teach her a lesson, I thought.
Well upstairs I went and washed it, I thought I was going to faint when I saw my face, there was blood everywhere. However I was very lucky, the axe wasn’t all that sharp and it glanced off my head, it looked a horrible jagged wound but it wasn’t deep. I sat a long time with a cloth pressed on it. I never thought I could stand blood like I did, I really surprised myself that evening.
Of course I was bitter about it. If I hadn’t felt a bit faint I don’t know what I wouldn’t have done. It was just about the straw that broke the camel’s back, as the saying is, and certain ideas did come into my mind. I don’t know what I mightn’t have done if she’d kept on as before. Still, that’s neither here nor there now.
The next morning I went down, I still had a headache, I was ready to get really nasty if she was, but you could have knocked me down with the feather, the first thing she did was to stand up and ask me how my head was. I knew by the way she asked that she was trying to be different. Kind.
I’m lucky not to be dead, I said.
She looked all pale, serious too. She held out her hands, she had got the gag off, but she must have slept with the cords (she was still in her dressing-gown). I undid them.
“Let me look at it.”
I backed away, she had me very jumpy.
“I’ve nothing in my hands. Did you wash it?”
Yes.
“Disinfectant?”
It’s all right.
Well she went and got a small bottle of Dettol she had, she diluted some with cotton wool and came back.
What’s the game now, I said.
“I want to dab this on. Sit down. Sit down.” The way she said it you knew she meant well. Funny, sometimes you knew she couldn’t be lying.
She took the plaster and lint off, very gentle, I felt her wince when she saw it, it wasn’t very pretty, but she washed it very softly and put the lint on again.
Thanks very much, I said.
“I’m sorry I did . . . what I did. And I should like to thank you for not retaliating. You had every right to.”
It’s not easy when you’ve been like you’ve been.
“I don’t want to talk about anything. Just to say I’m sorry.”
I accept your apologies.
“Thank you.”
It was all formal, she turned away to have her breakfast, and I waited outside. When I knocked on the door to see if I could clear away, she was dressed and the bed properly made, I asked if she wanted anything but she didn’t. She said I was to get TCP ointment for myself, and she handed me the tray with just the ghost of a smile. It doesn’t seem much, but it marked a big change. It almost seemed to make the head worth it. I was really happy that morning. Like the sun was coming out again.
After that for two or three days we were neither one thing nor the other. She didn’t say much, but she wasn’t bitter or cutting at all. Then one day after breakfast she asked me to sit down as I used to in the beginning so she could draw me. It was just to give herself an excuse to talk.
“I want you to help me,” she said.
Carry on, I answered.
“I have a friend, a girl, who’s got a young man in love with her.”
Go on, I said. She stopped. To watch me walk into it, I suppose.
“He’s so much in love with her that he’s kidnapped her. He’s keeping her prisoner.”
What a coincidence.
“Isn’t it? Well, she wants to be free again and she doesn’t want to hurt him. And she just doesn’t know what to do. What would you advise?”
Patience, I said.
“What must happen before the young man will release her?”
Anything might happen.
“All right. Don’t let’s play games. Tell me what I must do to be set free.”
I couldn’t answer, I thought if I said live with me for ever we’d only be back where we started.
“Marriage is no good. You can’t trust me.”
Not yet.
“If I went to bed with you?”
She’d stopped drawing. I wouldn’t answer.
“Well?”
I didn’t think you were that sort, I said.
“I’m just trying to find your price.” Just like it was a new Washing-machine she was inquiring the pros and cons of.
You know what I want, I said.
“But that’s just what I don’t!”
You know all right.
“Oh, God. Look. Just answer yes or no. Do you want to go to bed with me?”
Not like we are now.
“What are we like now?”
I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.
She took a deep breath. I liked having her on a bit. “You feel I’m only looking for a way to escape? Whatever I did would be just for that? Is that it?”
I said yes.
“If you felt I was doing it for some other reason. Because I liked you. Just for fun. You would like it then?”
I can buy what you’re talking about in London any time I want, I said.
That shut her up a bit. She started drawing again.
After a bit she said, “You haven’t got me here because you find me sexually attractive.”
I find you very attractive, I said. The most.
“You’re just like a Chinese box,” she said. Then she went on drawing and we didn’t say any more. I tried to, but she said it spoilt the pose.
I know what some would think, they would think my behaviour peculiar. I know most men would only have thought of taking an unfair advantage and there were plenty of opportunities. I could have used the pad. Done what I liked, but I am not that sort, definitely not that sort at all. She was like some caterpillar that takes three months to feed up trying to do it in a few days. I knew nothing good would come of it, she was always in such a hurry. People today always want to get things, they no sooner think of it they want to get it in their hands, but I am different, old-fashioned, I enjoy thinking about the future and letting things develop all in good time. Easy does it, as Uncle Dick used to say when he was into a big one.
What she never understood was that with me it was having. Having her was enough. Nothing needed doing. I just wanted to have her, and safe at last.
