Antonia drifted into the state of being neither asleep nor awake. She only vaguely heard the sounds of Livia's departure, made with heartfelt wishes for Livilla's continued good health. Antonia was just getting ready for Somnus to take her fully when she lurched back to consciousness. Livia had returned and was bending over her. Livilla was not in the room.
'What is it?' Antonia said.
Livia was playful. 'I have a confession to make.'
'A confession?'
'Yes.' She leaned closer. Her mischievous look was like a girl's. 'You see, I know why Livilla has been such a rock of strength for the family throughout these trying times. But you mustn't tell her that I know.'
Feeling weak and ill, and wishing only to sleep in peace, Antonia struggled to indulge her old friend. 'But what reason would there be, Livia?'
'Because she is blessed with a strong, noble man in her life,' Livia whispered. 'Because she is so in love…'
Our ears were pressed to the door, straining to determine the words from among the moans.
'But what are they saying about him?' Lygdus asked, wide-eyed. 'I heard his name — didn't you?'
'I think so,' I said.
'Nero. He said Nero's name to her.'
On the other side of the door Tribune Macro penetrated my domina with impressive vigour.
'If he'd just stop pounding her like that, maybe the bed would stop squeaking and we could listen properly.'
As if this complaint had embarrassed them, we heard the sounds of the lovers changing position. My domina was now astride Macro and the bed ceased moving with quite such vitality. We pressed our ears harder. Nero was indeed being discussed.
'Oh my gods!' Lygdus blurted out as he heard it. He barely stifled a cry. The lovers fell abruptly silent inside my domina 's suite. We sprang away from the door.
'You fool!' I hissed. 'You've alerted them.'
We threw ourselves to the floor, waiting for the second when my domina would fling open the door in rage. But nothing came. We heard the bed begin to squeak again. Lygdus raised his head.
'Don't risk it,' I whispered. 'Please!'
Lygdus was hell-bent. 'They're discussing Nero. Macro has heard something of what his fate will be and he's telling the domina of it.'
'Lygdus — no!'
He was upright again with his ear at the door. Too fearful, I remained where I was, watching intently as he listened to a conversation I could not hear.
'She's sobbing,' Lygdus whispered. 'She's crying in there.'
'It's the way he penetrates her,' I said. 'It makes her do that. I think she's grateful.'
'She's distraught. She's begging him to intervene.'
'It's their lovemaking again.'
Lygdus went white. 'She's pleading for Nero's life.'
I sat upright. 'Lygdus, come away right now.'
He shook his head, listening. 'No. No!' he gasped, clamping his hands to his mouth.
'Stop it — they'll hear you now for sure!'
He lurched from the door, flapping uselessly around the room.
'Oh gods,' I muttered, 'you'll bring the carnifex upon us.'
'He's been condemned!'
'Lygdus — '
'Sejanus has ordered it — Sejanus has ordered it. Not the Emperor himself, but his Prefect!'
I thought of Livia's hints about her scheme involving Martina and 'upping the dose'. 'Calm down, I'm begging you.'
Lydgus sank to the floor, gripping me by the hands. 'He's to be killed in exile. It's not done yet but it's imminent. Imminent, Iphicles!'
Somewhere inside me a little voice urged caution. 'Listen,' I said. 'There's something not quite right about this.'
He almost laughed. 'There's nothing quite right! Nero's going to be executed — and not on Tiberius's orders but Sejanus's. The Prefect's acting like he's Emperor! What can possibly be right?'
'Lygdus, please just listen to me. That's not what I mean — '
But he silenced me with a look so sincere my heart broke. 'Thank you, Iphicles. For all you have done for me in the time we have known each other.' He stood up again. 'Despite our fights you have been a true mentor to me. A father, as you say. You helped me gain confidence and courage and strength.'
I was thrown. Why was he saying this? 'Our adventures together have only just begun, Lygdus,' I told him. 'We will live on our wits as a team for years more to come — we'll outlive the whole of Rome.'
Lygdus shook his head, now smiling at me. But his eyes were bright with tears. 'Our time together is done, Father.' He stooped to kiss my head. 'Goodbye.'
'Wait!'
But he was running down the hall.
Suddenly the truth of this whole, strange scene was revealed to me. I saw what it was that had felt so wrong. I guessed the workings of my domina 's plan. 'Wait, Lygdus!' I cried as I struggled to get to my feet. 'Wait, Lygdus! Wait!'
But he was gone from me.
Antonia lay tormented for many hours by the 'confession'. She had felt bewildered by its unlikelihood at first, but when Livia had insisted, Antonia had seen that it was very much the truth. Her daughter Livilla had taken the Prefect Sejanus as her lover. This was, Livia believed, a happy little secret that had been kept from Antonia's knowledge only out of embarrassment. The Praetorian Prefect was not her social equal, of course, so she wanted it hushed.
But when Livia had gone, Antonia had been left to deplore her friend for being so blind to the implications. This was not some girlish indiscretion on Livilla's part. The appalling ramifications of the affair took the breath from Antonia's chest.
Livia had made Antonia a gift of the hitherto unseen element that united her family's tragedies. A macabre pattern emerged. It was there, she now realised, in her son Germanicus's death. It was there, too, in her son-in- law Castor's demise. There it was again in Agrippina's decline, with the fall of her friends having fanned the flames of her madness. And there it was, too, in Nero's disgrace, followed so soon after by Drusus. Now that she had learned that poor, deluded Livilla actually believed herself loved, the common element to all these sorrows was revealed as starkly as the sun. Sejanus stood to profit from her family's destruction. Sejanus, Antonia now knew, had ensured that not one of the letters she had written to Tiberius was received.
Cold rage empowered Antonia. She sensed the shadow of her former self flitting across the walls, taunting her for the years of ignorance. She had once been called Rome's most revered matron. What matron would let this ever come to pass?
Antonia forced herself upright. She placed her feet on the floor. Her head span with the effort, but she determinedly stood, catching her breath for a moment. She took her first steps in many weeks as she went to her clothes chest, flinging it open to pluck out the first warm garment she saw.
She fell still as she heard Livilla moving around in the room next to hers. She waited. Livilla returned to her own bed and Antonia resumed dressing in careful silence.
She knew what must be done — and done without her daughter knowing of it. She needed an ally she could trust, someone young and resourceful, blessed with physical strength.
As Antonia stole from her room into the darkened house beyond, she realised that she knew just such a person.
Burrus pressed his lips to Nilla's ear. 'Wake. Please wake!'
Nilla stirred but tried to cling to the comforts of Somnus.
'My love, please wake,' Burrus whispered, insistent. 'It is important.'
