Neverisms

Win Friends and Influence People ultimately became the most successful self-improvement book in publishing history, with over thirty million copies sold worldwide. The book was a compendium of principles for creating productive and harmonious relationships. Many were expressed positively, as in these “Six Ways to Make People Like You”:1. Become genuinely interested in other people.2. Smile.3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.4. Be a good listener: Encourage others to talk about themselves.5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

In his writings, Carnegie also offered many admonitions, but his tendency was to present them mildly, preferring to use don’t rather than never in such sayings as, “Don’t criticize,” “Don’t take yourself too seriously,” and “Don’t stew about the future.” When he did use the word never, he often phrased it in an inviting, as opposed to a commanding, way, as in, “Let’s never waste a minute thinking about people we don’t like.”

On occasion, though, Carnegie delivered straight-out neverisms, expressing himself more forcefully—and with far more impact—when he did:

Never forget that speaking is an art.

Never begin by announcing

“I am going to prove so-and-so to you.”

If the speaker is wrong in a statement,

never contradict him flatly.

Show respect for the other person’s opinions.

Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Never forget that all our associates are human beings

and hunger for appreciation.

It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

For most of history, advice about how to get along with people has been provided—often generously so—by parents, especially fathers. And when it comes to fatherly advice, few can rival Philip Dormer Stanhope, also known as Lord Chesterfield, discussed earlier. His epistolary advice to his son ranged widely, but much of it centered on the nuances of interpersonal relationships, and it was often expressed with firm conviction:

Take care never to seem dark and mysterious.

Never maintain an argument with heat and clamor,

though you think or know yourself to be in the right.

When you have found out the prevailing passion of any man,

remember never to trust him where that passion is concerned.

Never think of entertaining people with your personal concerns,

or private affairs; though they are interesting to you,

they are tedious and impertinent to everybody else.

Never hold anybody by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out;

for if people are not willing to hear you,

you had much better hold your tongue than them.

Benjamin Disraeli, another English gentleman, also enjoyed giving relationship advice to a younger generation. When asked by a member of Parliament what advice he would give to his son, Disraeli barely hesitated before replying:

Never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

Over the years, fathers have also guided their daughters in the finer points of interpersonal life. When young Jacqueline Bouvier and her sister Lee were growing up on the fashionable East Side of Manhattan, they received almost constant instruction in the social graces from their father, the dashing John (“Black Jack”) Bouvier III. A handsome man with thick, heavily lacquered black hair that was combed straight back, Bouvier knew how to make a dramatic entrance when he walked into a room. He instructed his girls in this fine art as well. You must always, he advised, walk directly to the center of the room, with your chin up, and with a dazzling smile, if appropriate. But you must not be overly friendly. Many men will find that intimidating, and might be fearful of approaching you. And there is one thing you must never do, he would conclude:

Never act as if you’re looking for someone;

they should be looking for you.

Those early lessons helped turn young Jacqueline into an elegant figure, even as an adolescent. When she made her New York society debut in 1947, many people were not at all surprised when Igor Cassini, a New York city gossip columnist and younger brother of fashion designer Oleg Cassini, named her Debutante of the Year. Five years later, in 1952, her grace and elegance also came in handy when, at a dinner party in Washington, D.C., she met a handsome young senator from Massachusetts named John F. Kennedy.

Perhaps the most poignant piece of relationship advice a parent has ever given a child was contained in a letter that Caitlin Thomas, the widow of Dylan Thomas, wrote to her eighteen-year-old daughter, Aeronwy (she was named after the river Aeron in Wales). In the letter, which was ultimately published in a 1963 book titled Not Quite Posthumous Letters to My Daughter, Caitlin Thomas reflected on her disastrous marriage to the legendary Welsh poet, and dearly hoped her daughter would not make the biggest mistake she had made in her life. She expressed it this way:

Never depend on immersion in another person

for your personal growth.

In the remainder of the chapter, you will find many more relationship neverisms. In future chapters, I’ll focus more specifically on romantic, spousal, and familial relationships. In this chapter, though, we’ll be stepping back just a little as we examine the many mistakes that can be made in the broader arena of human relationships. Most of the advice will be serious, but a number of humorous ones will also be included to lighten the mood and perhaps even give you a chuckle.

Never rush a hug.ANONYMOUS

As we’ve seen in other chapters, some of the best relationship neverisms come from anonymous sources. Here are a few more:

Never take another person for granted.

Never mistake endurance for hospitality.

Never answer a question before it’s asked.

Never make another person your “project.”

Never lose yourself when you find another person.

Never assume that you completely understand another