Neverisms

of twins to dangle on my knee

Never assume that the guy understands

that you and he have a relationship.DAVE BARRY, in Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1996)

Barry called this “The Number One Tip” for women who want to have a relationship with men. With tongue in cheek, he went on to explain:The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation.

After providing several not-so-subtle examples, Barry continued:Never let up, ladies. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy’s brain. Some day he might even start to think about it on his own.

Never date a man who knows more about your vagina than you do.ROBIN BARTLETT, to Meg Ryan, in the 1988 film City of Angels

This is one of my all-time favorite movie quotations, but it goes by so quickly that it’s easy to miss it. The line is delivered by Bartlett, playing a pediatric nurse named Anne, to heart surgeon Dr. Maggie Rice (played by Ryan). The distraught doctor, who has just lost a patient in surgery, escapes to the hospital nursery for some quiet time. Sitting among the newborn babies, she begins to wonder if she should have chosen another specialty. “I should’ve gone into pediatrics,” she finally confesses to Anne. Attempting to lighten the mood, the nurse introduces her vaginal dating admonition by saying, “Oh no. Every guy you meet is either married or a gyno.”

One simple rule, ladies:

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

Okay, actually it’s two simple rules,

but trust me, you will never be sad you followed them.GREG BEHRENDT & LIZ TUCILLO, on losing it after

a bad break-up, in He’s Just Not That Into You (2004)

Never date a man who wears

more jewelry—or worries more about his wardrobe—than you.LARA FLYNN BOYLE, quoting her mother

Never force anyone to do anything for you “in the name of love.”

Love is not to be bargained for.LEO BUSCAGLIA, in Loving Each Other:

The Challenge of Human Relationships (1984)

Never date a man whose belt buckle is bigger than his head.BRETT BUTLER

Butler said this in the popular 1990s sitcom Grace Under Fire, in which she played Grace Kelly, a single mom struggling to raise her three children. Kelly, a recovering alcoholic with an edgy quality, was famous for her no-nonsense remarks. She also once said: “Never take a job where the boss calls you ‘babe.’”

Never refer to any part of his body below his waist as “cute” or “little.”C. E. CRIMMINS, in The Secret World of Men:

A Girl’s-Eye View (1987)

This appeared in Crimmins’s clever satirical travel guide for women who are planning a trip to the foreign—and often extremely exotic—nation of Boyland. Crimmins’s spoof holds up very well after nearly twenty-five years. In a section on “Sex in Boyland,” she added:

Never ask if he changes his sheets seasonally.

Never expect him to do anything about birth control.

If you’re single, never date a man who has

a freshly used fly swatter as his only living room decoration.VICKI CHRISTIAN, in Girls Just Wanna Have Clean! (2004)

Never love with all your heart,It only ends in aching;And bit by bit to the smallest part,That organ will be breaking.COUNTEE CULLEN, from the poem “Song in Spite of Myself,”

in The Black Christ and Other Poems (1929)

Never tell a loved one of an infidelity.

You will be badly rewarded for your trouble.NINON DE LENCLOS, in The Coquette Avenged (1659)

Ninon de Lenclos was one of history’s most famous courtesans, the proprietor of a seventeenth-century Paris salon that attracted the most prominent figures of the day (many of whom became her lovers). After retiring as a courtesan at age fifty, she began hosting receptions for the rich and famous, and even developed a respectable reputation in her later years. She was greatly admired by Moliere and was a close friend of Voltaire’s father (she even left the young Voltaire money in her will). In the 1960s, Lenny Bruce updated the advice on extramarital sexual encounters:

Never tell. Not if you love your wife.

In fact, if your lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out:

“I’m tellin’ ya, this chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck:

‘Lay on top of me, or I’ll die.’ ”

Never utter the words I and love and you

if you’ve had more than three drinks.ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, from

The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)

A number of other Esquire rules for men appear in other chapters of this book, but here are three more that fit into the theme of this chapter:

Never order a Sloppy Joe on the first date.

Never go home with a woman who smokes cigarillos.

Never discuss affairs of the heart with a guy

who refers to sexual intimacy as “My daily requirement of Vitamin F.”

Never call him,