Letterman. Halderman was the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt, an assistant to Letterman. After Halderman discovered evidence of a sexual relationship between Birkitt and Letterman in her personal diary and e-mails, he attempted to use the information to blackmail Letterman. Houston added this diary rule to a previously published list of “17 Rules of Engagement for Workplace Romance,” a number of which were expressed neveristically:
Never get involved with someone in your direct chain of command.
Never get involved in an office affair
if either of you are married or in a committed relationship.
Never engage in sex on company property.
(That includes stairwells, supply closets, and company parking lots.)
Never allow yourself to be pressured
into any activity that makes you uncomfortable,
no matter what your partner wants.HILDA HUTCHERSON
This was Rule Number Two in Hutcherson’s 2002 book What Your Mother Never Told You about S-E-X (the first was “Always Communicate”).
Never screw your buddy to screw a girl.JOE KITA, in Guy Q: 1,305 Totally Essential Secrets
You Either Know, or You Don’t (2003)
In this observation, described by Kita as “The Buddy Bylaw,” two separate meanings of the verb to screw are cleverly juxtaposed. He also advised:
When you’re trying to impress a woman,
never utter these words at the cusp of an evening,
“So, what do you feel like doing?” A true Casanova takes charge.
Never forget that cologne is for after showering,
not instead of showering.CAROL LEIFER, in When You Lie About
Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)
This was one of “A Dozen Things Men Should Know (But Most Don’t).” In contrast to the many dehortations we’ve been featuring, a wise exhortation also appeared on Leifer’s list: “Always walk a woman to her car. And always wait until a woman’s car has driven safely away.”
When your man is mad, wait until he’s in the right mood.
Never approach fire with gas.RISA MICKENBERG, quoting an unnamed
taxi driver, in Taxi Driver Wisdom (1996)
Never go out with anyone who says
he loves you more than his wife or girlfriend.WILLIAM NOVAK, in The Great American Man Shortage (1983)
Novak’s book was subtitled And Other Roadblocks to Romance (and What to Do about It). It also contained these other romantic guidelines:
Never go out with anyone who has a guru.
Never go out with anyone who has been seeing a psychiatrist for eleven years.
Never go out with anyone who remembers high school like it was only yesterday.
Never become involved with someone who can
make you lose stature if the relationship becomes known.
Sleep up.ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, quoting his father
This remarkable piece of fatherly advice was revealed in Onassis: An Extravagant Life, a 1977 biography by Frank Brady. At age eleven, the sexually precocious young Onassis was interrupted by his stepmother as he was about to complete his first sexual liaison (with the daughter of one of the household servants). Onassis was reprimanded by his stepmother and grandmother, but the father took the boy aside and told him he was more upset by his choice of a mere servant girl. It was advice Onassis apparently took to heart, as later evidenced by his first marriage to Athina Livanos, the daughter of a wealthy Greek shipping magnate, then his notorious extramarital affair with opera diva Maria Callas, and, ultimately, his 1968 marriage to Jacqueline Kennedy.
Never do anything to your partner with your teeth
that you wouldn’t do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.P. J. O’ROURKE, offering “a rule of common courtesy” during oral sex
Never judge a painting or a woman by candlelight.ITALIAN PROVERB
This proverb was inspired by a passage from Ovid’s classic The Art of Love, a guide to seduction written in the first century A.D. Ovid began by writing, “Don’t judge a woman by candlelight, it’s deceptive. If you really want to know what she looks like, look at her by daylight, and when you’re sober.” And then he concluded, “Night covers a multitude of blemishes and imperfections. At night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.” His observation also likely inspired these other proverbs:
Never choose bedlinen or a wife by candlelight.
Never choose a wife by candlelight,
nor a friend at a feast, nor a horse at a fair.
Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.GARRY SHANDLING
Never ask a woman why she’s angry at you.
She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she’ll tell you.
Both ways, you lose.IAN SHOALES, as the alter ego of writer & performer Merle Kessler
Never date a woman whose father calls her “Princess.”
Chances are she believes it.WES SMITH, in Welcome to the Real
