Lord, when I begin sinking, lift me up with your mighty hand.
“O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you…. for my soul is full of trouble.” (Psalm 88:1, 3a)
August 2
VACATION BACKFIRE
When Mark came home from his first combat deployment in Iraq in early May 2003, Marshele and their three children were ready. Before his homecoming, Marshele had picked up free tickets to Disney World that had been offered specifically for military families as a way to “support the troops” and show appreciation for their service.
“Subsequently I made these plans so when he arrived home we could go to Orlando and enjoy Disney World to honor him and have fun as a family,” said Marshele. “And it turned out that that was probably the worst place we could have gone.”
The crowds pressed in around them. Giant Disney characters got in their faces. The air was thick with the explosions of fireworks and the screams of people on rides.
“That whole trip was awful,” said Marshele. “It was awful for me. It was awful for the kids. That was one of the first times I could tell that something had changed for Mark.”
Normally, Mark and the entire family would have enjoyed this type of vacation as a chance to escape daily routines and concerns and bond with each other while making special memories. But this was not a normal time for Mark. He was miserable.
He was having physiological responses to the sites, the sounds, and the smells around him. He was in a sweat all the time. His heart raced, and he fought to keep panic at bay. The kids were all excited about being there, but he was so consumed with his reactions to his surroundings that he couldn’t engage with them like he wanted.
“He was trying desperately to have fun,” said Marshele. “But he was exhausted. He didn’t need Disney World. He needed something much different.”
Lord, supply us with that which we truly need; you’re the only one who can.
“My eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, O LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you.” (Psalm 88:9)
August 3
THE END OF ME
After leaving the chaos of Disney World, things didn’t get much better for the Waddells. In fact, things got worse.
“Everything was hard,” said Marshele. “Everything was difficult because Mark was no longer Mark. About one year later I reached a breaking point where I went through a lot of different emotions confusion, anger, guilt. I had the feeling that maybe this was my fault. Maybe I wasn’t being a good enough wife. Maybe if I took on more responsibility around the house. Maybe if I did everything for Mark and kept his world balanced then he would get past whatever it was he was in.”
By this time, Mark had assumed the position of Director of Operations for all the East Coast SEAL teams, which meant several trips back and forth overseas, in and out of combat zones. Even when Mark was home, he was busy training and preparing himself and others to deploy again. So without a sustained amount of time to really address the problem, the situation could not improve.
“When the men come home whether it’s for two weeks of rest and relaxation and going back to the war front or maybe they’re coming home for six months they’re trying to avoid the conflict,” said Marshele. “They’re trying to reconnect and have a life. Spouses don’t have time to address these huge problems or even avoid them. A year after Mark had come home in May 2003, I had reached the end of me.”
As a veteran military wife, Marshele had been able to categorize and file away everything for awhile, but she got to a point where she couldn’t do it any more. “I was saturated with what had been our military life experience. I told him that whether he went with me or not, I needed counseling. I had to go find somebody objective that could tell me I wasn’t going insane.”
Lord, help me surround myself with people who will speak truth and wisdom to me.
“My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?” (Psalm 6:3)
August 4
SECRET STRUGGLE
While the Waddell family felt like they were crumbling on the inside, on the outside, they still seemed picture perfect. Yellow ribbons hugged the trees in their yard and flags waved proudly overhead. Friends of their high school son were in and out of the house all the time. There was no indication that anything was wrong and that’s the way Mark wanted it.
“I was kind of glad Marshele got counseling if that’s what she needed, but then I was also a little worried about my career if people found out,” said Mark. “We had been a community pillar of strength and faith, and I didn’t want to show that our faith had been shaken or that we were at risk as a couple, because it would have made a farce of everything we had said and stood for.”
As an officer in special operations, Mark’s response to the nagging sense that something was wrong was to just carry on.
“[SEALS are] used to suffering,” said Mark. “We’re used to enduring and doing without.” So alone, Mark dealt with nightmares, emotional numbness, distressing and vivid daytime flashbacks. He saved his tears for when he was alone.
About a year and a half after Marshele started counseling, Mark admitted that he needed help, also. But he didn’t want to talk about it with Marshele; he just wanted her to know that he recognized there was a problem that he was struggling with and needed help.
“I saw my marriage unraveling,” said Mark. And then I thought to myself, All this sacrifice and I’m about ready to be here on earth with nothing left. My wife, my children, and everything I had fought for and was willing to die for I was about to lose because of my response to the people that I was supposed to love.
“Is there anything that you wouldn’t do to save our marriage?” Marshele asked him.
“I would do anything,” Mark responded.
