The Heroes

‘Anything. You can come to me.’ Lederlingen held up a hesitant finger. ‘Yes?’

‘We’re cavalrymen, aren’t we?’

‘Yes, trooper, we are.’

‘Shouldn’t we have horses?’

‘That’s an excellent question and a keen grasp of tactics. Due to an administrative error, our horses are currently with the Fifth, attached to Mitterick’s division, which, as a regiment of infantry, is not in a position to make best use of them. I’m told they’ll be catching up with us any day, though they’ve been telling me that a while. For the time being we are a regiment of … horseless horse.’

‘Foot?’ offered Yolk.

‘You might say that, except we still …’ and Tunny tapped his skull, ‘think like cavalry. Other than horses, which is a deficiency common to every man in the unit, is there anything else you need?’

Klige was next to lift his arm. ‘Well, sir, Corporal Tunny, that is … I’d really like something to eat.’

Tunny grinned. ‘Well, that’s definitely extra.’

‘Don’t we get food?’ asked Yolk, horrified.

‘Of course his Majesty provides his loyal soldiers with rations, Yolk, of course he does. But nothing anyone would actually want to eat. You get sick of eating things you don’t want to eat, well, you come to me.’

‘At a price, I suppose.’ Lederlingen, sour of face.

‘A reasonable price. Union coin, Northern coin, Styrian coin, Gurkish coin. Any kind of coin, in fact. But if you’re short of currency I’m prepared to consider all manner of things in trade. Arms salvaged from dead Northmen, for example, are popular at present. Or perhaps we can work on the basis of favours. Everyone has something to trade, and we can always come to some…’

‘Corporal?’ An odd, high, strained voice, almost like a woman’s, but it wasn’t a woman who stood behind Tunny when he turned, to his great disappointment if not surprise. It was a very large man, black uniform mud- spotted from hard riding, colonel’s markings at the sleeves, long and short steels of a businesslike design at his belt. His hair was shaved to stubble, dusted with grey at the ears and close to bald on top. Heavy-browed, broad- nosed and slab-jawed like a prizefighter, dark eyes fixed on Tunny. Perhaps it was his notable lack of neck, or the way the big knuckles stuck white from his clenched fists, or that his uniform looked as if it was stretched tight over rock, but even standing still he gave the impression of fearsome strength.

Tunny could salute with the very best when it seemed a wise idea, and now he snapped to vibrating attention. ‘Sir! Corporal Tunny, sir, standard-bearer of his Majesty’s First Regiment!’

‘General Jalenhorm’s headquarters?’ The newcomer’s eyes flicked over the recruits, as if daring them to laugh at his piping voice.

Tunny knew when to laugh, and now was not the moment. He pointed across the rubbish and tent-strewn meadow towards the farmhouse, smudges of smoke rising from the chimney and staining the bright sky. ‘You’ll find the general just there, sir! In the house, sir! Probably still in bed, sir!’

The officer nodded once then strode off, head down, in a way that suggested he’d simply walk through anything and anyone in his way.

‘Who was that?’ muttered one of the lads.

‘I believe that …’ Tunny let it hang in the air for a moment, ‘was Bremer dan Gorst.’

‘The one who fenced with the king?’

‘That’s right, and was his bodyguard until that mess in Sipani. Still has the king’s ear, some say.’ Not a good thing, that such a notable personage should be here. Never stand near anyone notable.

‘What’s he doing here?’

‘Couldn’t say for sure. But I hear he’s a hell of a fighter.’ And Tunny gave his front teeth a worried sucking.

‘Ain’t that a good thing in a soldier?’ asked Yolk.

‘Bloody hell, no! Take it from me, who’s lived through more than one melee, wars are hard enough work without people fighting in the middle of ’em.’ Gorst stalked into the front yard of the house, pulling something from his jacket. A folded paper. An order, by the look of it. He saluted the guards and went in. Tunny rubbed at his rebelling stomach. Something didn’t feel right, and not just last night’s wine.

‘Sir?’

‘Corporal Tunny.’

‘I … I …’ It was the one called Worth, and he was in a fix. Tunny knew the signs, of course. The shifting from one leg to another, the pale features, the slightly dewy eyes. No time to spare.

He jerked his thumb towards the latrine pits. ‘Go!’ The lad took off like a scared rabbit, hopping bow-legged through the mud. ‘But make sure you crap in the proper place!’ Tunny turned to wag one lecturing finger at the rest of the litter. ‘Always crap in the proper place. This is a principle of soldiering of far greater importance than any rubbish about marching, or weapons, or ground.’ Even at this distance Worth’s long groan could be heard, followed by some explosive farting. ‘Trooper Worth is fighting his first engagement with our real enemy out here. An implacable, merciless, liquid foe.’ He slapped a hand down on the shoulder of the nearest trooper. Yolk, as it happened, who nearly collapsed under the added weight. ‘Sooner or later, I’ve no doubt, you will all be called upon to fight your own battle of the latrines. Courage, boys, courage. Now, while we wait for Worth to force out the enemy or die bravely in the attempt, would any of you boys care for a friendly game of cards?’ He produced the deck from nowhere, fanning it out under the recruits’ surprised eyes, or eye in Klige’s case, the mesmerising effect only mildly damaged by Trooper Worth’s ongoing arse music. ‘We’ll just play for honour. To begin with. Nothing you can’t afford to lose, eh? Nothing you can’t … Uh-oh.’

General Jalenhorm had emerged from his headquarters, jacket wide open, hair in disarray, face flushed beetroot red, and shouting. He was always shouting, but this time he appeared, for once, to have a purpose. Gorst came after him, hunched and silent.

‘Uh-oh.’ Jalenhorm stomped one way, seemed to think better of it, swivelled, roared at nobody, struggled with a button, slapped an assisting hand angrily away. Staff officers began to scatter from the house in all directions like birds whacked from the brush, chaos spreading rapidly from the general and infecting the entire camp.

‘Damn it,’ muttered Tunny, shouldering his way into his bracers. ‘We’d best get ready to move.’

‘We just got here, Corporal,’ grumbled Yolk, pack half way off.

Tunny took hold of the strap and tugged it back over Yolk’s shoulder, turned him by it to face towards the general. Jalenhorm was trying to shake his fist at a well-presented officer and button his own jacket at the same time, and failing. ‘You have before you a perfect demonstration of the workings of the army — the chain of command, trooper, each man shitting on the head of the man below. The much-loved leader of our regiment, Colonel Vallimir, is just getting shat on by General Jalenhorm. Colonel Vallimir will shit on his own officers, and it won’t take long to roll downhill, believe me. Within a minute or two, First Sergeant Forest will arrive to position his bared buttocks above my undeserving head. Guess what that means for you lot?’ The lads stayed silent for a moment, then Klige raised a tentative hand. ‘The question was meant to be rhetorical, numbskull.’ He carefully lowered it again. ‘For that you get to carry my pack.’

Klige’s shoulders slumped.

‘You. Ladderlugger.’

‘Lederlingen, Corporal Tunny.’

‘Whatever. Since you love volunteering so much, you just volunteered to take my other pack. Yolk?’

‘Sir?’ Plain to see he could hardly stand under the weight of his own gear.

Tunny sighed. ‘You carry the hammock.’

New Hands

Beck raised the axe high and snarled as he brought it down, split that log in two and pretended all the while it was some Union soldier’s head. Pretended there was blood spraying from it rather’n splinters. Pretended the babbling of the brook was the sound of men cheering for him and the leaves across the grass were women swooning at his feet. Pretended he was a great hero, like his father had been, won himself a high name on the