Agatha H. and the Airship City

“Zo, my dear Meez Clay,” Goomblast began while refilling her cup, “vere iz hyu family from?”

Agatha looked at him warily. “Beetleburg?”

“Iz dot so? Mine people still liff in Mechanicsburg.”

“Ah. The Heterodynes’ home. Of course. I’ve never been there, but I always wanted to go.” Despite her reservations, the very inanity of the topic was reassuring, Agatha found herself relaxing and discussing the various merits of different towns. Off to one side, the other two generals quietly sipped their tea and observed.

General Khrizhan leaned closer to the older Jager and muttered behind his hand. “Vot you tink?”

General Zog glanced at him and snorted. “Hy don gotta tink.

Hy knew ven hy smelt her clothing.” He considered Agatha with

a scowl. “Could be a forgotten second cousin, or a by-blow…”

“A by-blow? Dem?”

Zog smiled at his colleagues’ astonishment. “Dey vas hooman.”

Khrizhan nodded reluctantly. “De kestle vould know,” he said quietly.

Zog shook his head. “De kestle iz mad. Dyink. Useless.”

Khrizhan’s shoulders slumped. “Den it iz op to us.” He leaned into the conversation, which had come to a lull. “Tell us about you parents.”

Instantly a wall of suspicion slammed down behind Agatha’s eyes. “My father’s a blacksmith, and my mother gives piano lessons. I’m worried about them,” she admitted.

“Yez. Dey haff disappeared und ve cannot find dem. Dey obviously do not vant to be found, but dey vould vant to know dot hyu vas safe, jah?” Khrizhan shook his massive head. “Iz qvite puzzling.”

“They’re probably hiding,” Agatha admitted. “They don’t… trust the Baron.”

Goomblast waved a hand dismissively. “Who does? Ve’s used to pipple hidink. Vat’s strenge iz dot we cannot find dem.”

Agatha absorbed this information and deliberately reached for another tea cake. There were few left. “These are very good,” she said, and smiled at Goomblast, who frowned at her in annoyance.

General Zog, who had been pacing around the room, dropped into the chair next to Agatha. He smelled like ancient leather boiled in vinegar.

“Zo,” he said brusquely, “hyu vent flyink mit der young master.” He leaned closer. “Vot hyu tink of him?”

Agatha flushed. “Well…” she struggled for words. As she did so, the general’s nostrils flared, and a smile crossed his features. General Khrizhan’s hand smacked the back of his head, sending Zog’s fez flying.

“Vot kind of schtupid qvestion is dot?” Khrizhan roared.

“Vell it vould make tings really simple if—”

“I know vat hyu is tinking! Bot hyu ain’t tinking tinking!”

“Tinking iz overrated!” Zog roared, and tapped his nose. “Dis tells me—”

Khrizhan grabbed Zog’s vest and shook him violently. “Be qviet you idiot!”

Agatha scrunched down in her seat as the generals roared about her. Two delicate furry hands effortlessly scooped her up and deposited her before the door. “I tink hyu better go,” General Goomblast muttered.

Agatha picked up the box with her belongings. “Did I say something wrong?”

Goomblast smiled at her in what he thought was a reassuring manner. “No, no, madam waz qvite charmink. But ve gonna haf a leedle discussion now, and dey can get kind ov loud.” He opened the door and called out, “Minsc!”

A tall Jagersoldier with a particularly toothy grin appeared and snapped to attention. “Yezzir?”

Goomblast pushed Agatha forward. “Dis iz Meez Clay. See dot she’s get beck safely to—”

A scream of rage from within the room was all the warning they got as the samovar caromed off of the back of the general’s head. Spinning about, Goomblast’s head appeared to split in half as his mouth opened wider than Agatha would have thought possible. A scream like tearing metal filled the hallway and the Jagergeneral leapt back into the room, slamming the door behind him. Minsc grabbed Agatha’s arm and dragged her down the hall. “Ve go now,” he advised.

The sound of breaking furniture followed them down the hall, until there was a sudden final shattering of glass and then silence. Minsc turned to Agatha and grinned. “Zo. Vere to, dollink?”

“Um… the student dormitories?”

Minsc brightened. “Ho! Excellent!” He licked his hand with a purple tongue and slicked back his hair. “Mebbe I see my sveetie.”

Agatha stopped dead. “Your—who?”

“De gorgeous Von Pinn.”

“Your sweetheart is Von Pinn? The Von Pinn is your sweetheart.” No matter how many times she said it, it still sounded wrong.

Minsc shrugged slightly. “Vell, if youz gonnaget technical about it, not yet. But I am confident dot she vill pick me!”

“Pick you out of what?”

“All of der Jagermonstern iz desirous of her,” he confided. “She iz zo sharp… zo dangerous, like a pudding bag full uf knives!” He growled at the thought.

Agatha swallowed. “Ah. And that’s good is it?”

Minsc’s eyes went misty and a beatific smile played across his face. He sighed. “Tvice I haff felt de touch uf her hand as it caressed my face.” He pointed proudly. “See der scars? Vunce her elbow lingered as it vas buried in mine kidney. And vunce, ven her teeth seek mine throat, I gaze into her eyes und—”

“You’re crazy!” Agatha screamed, “She was trying to kill you!”

Minsc stared at her and then his face slid into a sly, knowing grin. “Ho, ho, ho. Hyu iz still a leedle gurl in der vays of luff.” He patted her shoulder. “Hyu vill learn.”

Agatha swallowed. “I sure hope not.” She looked up. To her surprise, they had already arrived at the dormitory door.”Thanks. I guess—”

“Miss Clay! Don’t move!”

Agatha and Minsc whirled and saw Von Pinn racing towards them, her hands outstretched, a look of fury on her face.

Agatha squeaked in alarm and froze. Minsc grinned and stepped forward while pushing Agatha through the doorway. “Hyu moof along now, kiddo.”

“But she’s after me.”

“Hee heh,” Minsc smirked as he straightened his hat. “I guarantee dot a kees from me vill make her forgets all about hyu!”

Von Pinn was almost on them and Minsc stepped forward into the crazed construct’s outstretched arms. “Hey beautiful, it’s me,

you Minsc!”

“MOVE OR DIE!”

“Whoo! Already mit der sveet tok!”

At this point the massive door closed behind Agatha and all she heard was a sound that reminded her of a fight she’d witnessed in the biological oddities lab when a soon-to-be-deceased lab assistant had neglected to lock a number of cage doors. A large object slammed into the door, shaking Agatha out of her shock. She raced into the main room and saw a plump young man sporting a yarmulke coming out of the kitchen clutching a large number of bottles. She ran up to him. “Von Pinn is killing one of the Jagermonsters!”

The young man raised an eyebrow. “Oh. So?”

“So we’ve got to help!”

He considered this for a second, then shook his head. “I think Von Pinn can handle them by herself.”

Agatha thought she was going mad. “No,” she explained through clenched teeth, “we’ve got to help