The Complete Yes Minister

2) When Ministers have gone, we can wipe the slate clean and start again with a new boy

3) Prime Ministers like reshuffles – keeps everyone on the hop

4) Ministers are the only people who are frightened of them

B.W. suggested that it would be interesting if Ministers were fixed and Permanent Secretaries were shuffled around. I think he only does it to annoy. He must realise that such a plan strikes at the very heart of the system that has made Britain what she is today.

Just to be safe I instructed B.W. to memorise the following three points:

Power goes with permanence

Impermanence is impotence

Rotation is castration

Talking of which, I think that perhaps Bernard should be given a new posting before too long.

[The following day, Sir Humphrey received a crucial piece of information in a note from Sir Arnold – Ed.]

[Hacker was naturally in complete ignorance of the above information. His diaries continue below – Ed.]

July 9th

Still no news of the reshuffle.

I’ve been sitting up till late, doing my boxes. Three of them, tonight.

The papers were still full of rumours about the reshuffle. Annie asked me tonight if they’re true.

I told her I didn’t know.

She was surprised. She thought I was bound to know, as I’m in the Cabinet. But that’s the whole point – we’ll be the last to know.

Annie suggested I ask the PM. But obviously I can’t – it would make me look as though I were insecure.

The trouble is, I don’t know whether it’ll be good news. I explained this to Annie. ‘I don’t know whether I’ll be going up or down.’

‘Or just round and round, as usual,’ she said.

I asked her if, quite seriously, she thought I’d been a success. Or a failure.

She said: ‘I think you’ve done all right.’

‘But is that good enough?’

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Is it?’

‘I don’t know,’ I replied. ‘Is it?’

We sat and looked at each other. It’s so hard to tell. I had a sudden thought.

‘Perhaps the PM might think I’m becoming too successful. A possible challenge to the leadership.’

Annie looked up from her book, and blinked. ‘You?’ she asked.

I hadn’t actually meant me, as such, though I wasn’t all that pleased that she was so surprised.

‘No,’ I explained, ‘Martin. But with my support. So if the PM is trying to repel boarders and if Martin can’t be got rid of safely, which he can’t, not the Foreign Secretary, then . . . I’m the obvious one to be demoted. Do you see? Isolate Martin.’

She asked where I could be sent. ‘That’s easy. Lord President, Lord Privy Seal, Minister for the Arts, Minister for Sport in charge of Floods and Droughts – there’s no shortage of useless non-jobs. And Basil Corbett is out to get me,’ I reminded Annie.

‘He’s out to get everyone,’ she pointed out. That’s true.

‘He’s a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep,’ I said, trying to be fair.

She was puzzled. ‘How is he so successful?’

‘Because,’ I explained, ‘he’s a smooth-tongued, cold-eyed, hard-nosed, two-faced creep.’

Also he’s got a good television manner, a lot of grassroots party support (though all the MPs hate him), and he has somehow conned the public into believing he’s sincere.

His biggest and best weapon is elbows. I’ve got to elbow Corbett out of the way, or else he’ll elbow me. I explained to Annie that elbows are the most important weapon in a politician’s armoury.

‘Other than integrity,’ she said.

I’m afraid I laughed till I cried. Tears rolled down my face. It took me five minutes to get my breath back – what made it even funnier was Annie staring at me, uncomprehending, as if I’d gone mad.

I didn’t really get my breath back till the phone rang. To my enormous surprise it was Gaston Larousse – from Brussels.

‘Good evening, Commissionaire,’ I said. Perhaps I should have just said Commissioner.