‘If local authorities don’t send us the statistics we ask for, then government figures will be nonsense. They’ll be incomplete.’
I pointed out that government figures are a nonsense anyway. No one denied it, but Bernard suggested that Sir Humphrey wanted to ensure that they are a complete nonsense.
He was rewarded with another withering look from his boss.
I was worried about making an example of South-West Derbyshire, which I happened to know is controlled by my party. Humphrey realised that this was on my mind, and raised the matter with me. I responded by suggesting that we pick on an opposition council instead.
This went down badly. I can’t see why. What does he expect? Anyway, the suggestion was met with pursed lips from Sir Humphrey, and everyone else looked down at their blotters.
So I asked if South-West Derbyshire are really all that bad. And suddenly everyone had plenty to say.
One Under-Sec. told me that they won’t return their blue forms (whatever they are, something to do with finance I think). An Assistant-Sec. told me that they replied to the DAA’s Ethnic Personnel Breakdown Request in longhand, on the back of a departmental circular. And a delightfully attractive lady Assistant-Sec. was appalled because she still hadn’t received their Social Worker Revised Case-load Analysis for the last two quarters. Or their Distributed Data Processing Appropriation Tables. ‘They’re unbelievable,’ she said. ‘Really evil.’
This was a definition of evil? Someone who doesn’t return his blue form? ‘Yes,’ I said with heavy irony, ‘I don’t see how life still goes on in South Derbyshire.’
Sir Humphrey took my remark at face value. ‘Exactly, Minister. They really are in a class of their own for incompetence.’
Still worried about my party problems, I enquired if they had no redeeming features. And my old friend Dr Cartwright piped up cheerfully. ‘Well, it is interesting that . . .’
Sir Humphrey cut right across him. ‘So if that’s all right, Minister, we can take appropriate coercive action?’
Dr Cartwright had another try. ‘Except that the Minister might . . .’
Again Sir Humphrey interrupted him. ‘So can we take it you approve?’ It was all beginning to look distinctly fishy.
I decided not to give an immediate answer. ‘It’s a difficult one. They’re friends of ours.’
‘They’re no friends of good administration.’
I refused to be pressured. ‘Give me twenty-four hours. I’ll have to square the party organisation. Get the Chairman invited to a drinkies do at Number Ten or something. Soften the blow.’
And I insisted that we press on to the next item.
As the meeting broke up I noticed Dr Cartwright hovering, as if he wanted a private word with me. But Sir Humphrey took him by the arm and gently guided him away. ‘I need your advice, Dick, if you could spare me a moment.’ And they were gone.
Having thought about this overnight, I think I’ll question Bernard more closely tomorrow.
A fascinating day.
I raised the matter with Bernard as soon as I got to the office. I told him that my instincts told me that there is a good reason not to discipline South-West Derbyshire.
‘Furthermore, Dr Cartwright seemed to be trying to tell me something. I think I’ll drop in on him.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that, Minister,’ he said rather too hastily.
‘Why not?’
He hesitated. ‘Well, it is, er, understood that if Ministers need to know anything it will be brought to their attention. If they go out looking for information, they might, er they might . . .’
‘Find it?’
‘Yes.’ He looked sheepish.
I remarked that it may be ‘understood’, but it’s not understood by me.
Bernard obviously felt he had better explain further. ‘Sir Humphrey does not take kindly to the idea of Ministers just dropping in on people. “Going walkabout”, he calls it.’
I couldn’t see anything wrong with that. I reminded him that the Queen does it.
He disagreed. ‘I don’t think she drops in on Under-Secretaries. Not in Sir Humphrey’s department.’
I took a firm line. I asked Bernard for Dr Cartwright’s room number.
He virtually stood to attention. ‘I must formally advise you against this, Minister,’ he said.
‘Advice noted,’ I said. ‘What’s his room number?’
‘Room 4017. Down one flight, second corridor on the left.’
I told him that if I wasn’t back within forty-eight hours he could send a search party.
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS:1
I well recall the day that Hacker went walkabout. This was the kind of situation that highlighted the dilemma of a Minister’s Private Secretary. On the one hand I was expected to be loyal to the Minister, and any sign of disloyalty
