The Complete Yes Minister

‘But there were secret naval installations, anti-submarine systems, low-level-radar towers.’

I pointed out that he couldn’t possibly know what had been there. He agreed at once, but added – rather lamely, I thought – that that’s the sort of thing those island bases always had.

‘They’ll have been dismantled,’ I said. His objection was clearly quite irrelevant.

‘But the papers will have references.’

‘It’s ancient history.’

‘Anyway,’ he said with evident relief, ‘we’d have to consult. Get clearances.’

A few months ago I would have accepted that sort of remark from Humphrey. Now, I’m just a little older and wiser.

‘Who from?’ I asked.

He looked wildly about, and spoke completely incoherently. ‘Security implications . . . MI5, MI6 . . . the national interest . . . foreign powers . . . consult our allies . . . top brass . . . CIA . . . NATO, SEATO, Moscow!’

‘Humphrey,’ I asked carefully, ‘are you all right?’

‘Not Moscow, no, I don’t mean Moscow,’ he corrected himself hastily. I got the impression that he was just saying the first words that came into his head, and that the word Moscow had been uttered simply because it rhymed.

He could see I wasn’t convinced, and added: ‘There could be information that would damage people still alive.’

This seemed to matter to him greatly. But it cut no ice with me.

‘Whoever drafted that contract,’ I insisted, ‘ought to be damaged if he’s still alive.’

‘Oh, quite, absolutely, no question of protecting officials. Of course not. But responsible Ministers . . .’

I interrupted him. I wasn’t the least concerned about some Minister who’d been responsible thirty years ago. It couldn’t matter less. Anyway, the other lot were in office then, so it’s fairly amusing.

I simply couldn’t figure out the reason for his intense opposition to releasing these papers. I asked him why he was so concerned.

He sat back in his chair and crossed his legs casually. ‘I’m not. Not at all. I mean, not personally. But it’s the principle, the precedent . . . the . . . the . . .’ he was lost for words ‘. . . the policy.’

Trapped. I’d got him. ‘Policy’s up to me, Humphrey, remember?’ I said with a smile. And before he could continue the argument I added, ‘And I’ve promised, so it’s done now, okay?’

He just sat there, sagging slightly, looking at me. Evidently he was trying to decide whether or not to say something. Finally he gave up. He stood wearily and, without looking at me, walked silently out of the room and shut the door behind him.

He seemed tired, listless, and quite without his usual energy.

Bernard had been present throughout the meeting. He waited, patiently, as usual, to be either used or dismissed.

I gazed at the door which Humphrey had closed quietly behind him.

‘What’s the matter with Humphrey?’ I asked. There was no reply from Bernard. ‘Have I done something wrong?’ Again there was no reply. ‘There aren’t any security aspects, are there?’ This time I waited a while, but answer came there none. ‘So what is the problem?’ I turned to look at Bernard, who appeared to be staring vacantly into space like a contented heifer chewing the cud.

‘Am I talking to myself?’

He turned his gaze in my direction.

‘No Minister, I am listening.’

‘Then why don’t you reply?’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I thought your questions were purely rhetorical. I can see no reason for Sir Humphrey to be so anxious.’

And then the penny dropped.

Suddenly I saw it.

I didn’t know how I could have been so blind. So dumb. And yet, the answer – obvious though it was – seemed scarcely credible.

‘Unless . . .’ I began, and then looked at Bernard. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’

He looked puzzled. ‘I don’t think so, Minister,’ he replied cautiously, and then added with a flash of cheerful honesty, ‘I’m not thinking anything really.’

‘I think,’ I said, uncertain how to broach it, ‘that I smell a rat.’

‘Oh. Shall I fetch an Environmental Health Officer?’

I didn’t like actually to put my suspicions into words. Not yet. I thought I’d go carefully. So I asked Bernard how long Sir Humphrey had been here at the Department of Administrative Affairs.

‘Oh, all his career, hasn’t he? Ever since it was founded.’

‘When was that?’ I asked.