The Complete Yes Minister

‘Eighteen months?’ I was appalled.

‘Yes, perhaps by then we may be able to open a couple of wards,’ he said, acknowledging finally that I had spoken.

I regard this as so much stuff and nonsense. I instructed him to open some wards at once – and more than a couple.

He countered by offering to form an interdepartmental committee to examine the feasibility of monitoring a proposal for admitting patients at an earlier date.

I asked him how long that would take to report.

‘Not long, Minister.’

‘How long?’

I knew the answer before he gave it – ‘Eighteen months,’ we said in unison.

‘Terrific!’ I added sarcastically.

‘Thank you,’ he replied, charmingly unaware. It’s hopeless.

So I made a new suggestion. ‘I suggest that we get rid of everyone currently employed at the hospital and use the money to open closed wards in other hospitals.’

[As Sir Humphrey had predicted, Hacker was prepared to shut down the whole hospital – Ed.]

‘And when we can afford it,’ I added sarcastically, ‘we’ll open St Edward’s with medical staff! If you would be so kind.’

Humphrey then argued that if we closed the hospital now we would delay the opening of it with patients for years. ‘You talk,’ he said accusingly, ‘as if the staff have nothing to do, simply because there are no patients there.’

‘What do they do?’ I asked.

Humphrey was obviously expecting this question. He promptly handed me a list. A list comprising all the administrative departments and what they do – with or without patients. Extraordinary.

1.   Contingency Planning Department

For strikes, air raids, nuclear war, fire epidemics, food or water poisoning, etc. In such a crisis your local general hospital will become a key centre for survival.

2.   Data and Research Department

Currently this department is conducting a full-scale demographic survey of the catchment area. This is to enable the hospital to anticipate future requirements for maternity, paediatrics, geriatrics and the male/female balance.

3.   Finance

Projected accounts, balance sheets, cash flow estimates depending on such variables as admission levels, inflation rate, local and national funding etc.

4.   Purchasing Department

To purchase medical and other supplies, obtain estimates, review current and future catalogues and price lists.

5.   Technical Department

For evaluating all proposed equipment purchases and comparing cost-effectiveness.

6.   Building Department

To deal with the Phase Three building plans, the costing, the architectural liaison, and all other work necessary to complete the final phase of the hospital by 1994.

7.   Maintenance

Maintenance of both the hospital structure itself, and the highly complex and expensive medical and technical equipment contained therein.

As an economy measure, this department also includes the Cleaning Department.

8.   Catering

This department is self-explanatory.

9.   Personnel

A very busy department, dealing with leave, National Health Insurance, and salaries. Naturally this department contains a number of staff welfare officers, who are needed to look after over 500 employees.

10.   Administration

The typing pool, desks, stationery, office furniture and equipment, liaison between departments, agreeing on routine procedures.

I couldn’t tell as I read this (and tonight I still can’t) if Humphrey was playing a practical joke. Department 10 contains administrators to administrate other administrators.

I read it carefully, then I studied his face. He appeared to be serious.