The Complete Yes Minister

‘Humphrey,’ I said, very slowly and carefully. ‘There-are-no-patients! That-is-what-a-hospital-is-for! Patients! Ill-people! Healing-the-sick!’

Sir Humphrey was unmoved. ‘I agree, Minister,’ he said, ‘but nonetheless all of these vital tasks listed here must be carried on with or without patients.’

‘Why?’ I asked.

He looked blank. ‘Why?’

‘Yes. Why?’ I repeated.

‘I don’t understand,’ he said.

I tried to rack my brains, to see how else I could put it. I finally gave up.

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Minister,’ he said, ‘would you get rid of the Army just because there’s no war?’

A completely specious argument, and I told him so. He asked me how I would define specious. I dodged the question, and hurriedly pointed out that hospitals are different. Hospitals must get results!

At last I appeared to have shocked him. He was completely shaken out of his complacency.

‘Minister,’ he said earnestly, ‘we don’t measure our success by results, but by activity. And the activity is considerable. And productive. These 500 people are seriously overworked – the full establishment should be 650.’ He opened his briefcase. ‘May I show you some of the paperwork emanating from St Edward’s Hospital?’

That was the last thing I wanted to see.

‘No you may not,’ I replied firmly. ‘Enough is enough. Sack them all.’

He refused point-blank. He said it was impossible. He repeated that if we lost our administrators the hospital would never open. So I told him just to sack the ancillary workers. He said the unions wouldn’t wear it.

I compromised. I instructed him to sack half the administrators and half the ancillary workers. I told him to replace them with medical staff and open a couple of wards. I also told him that it was my last word on the subject.

He tried to keep the discussion going. I wouldn’t let him. But he seemed worryingly complacent about the whole situation, and as he left he said he would have a word with the Health Service unions. He held out little hope that such a solution were possible.

I’m beginning to feel like Alice in Wonderland.

[Later that week Sir Humphrey Appleby had a meeting with Brian Baker, the General Secretary of the Confederation of Administrative Unions. It seems to have taken place privately, over a glass of sherry, after another meeting in Sir Humphrey’s office. Most unusually, Sir Humphrey appears to have made no notes, memos or references to the meeting, not even in his private diary. This suggests that he regarded the discussion as potentially highly embarrassing. Fortunately, however, Brian Baker referred to this secret discussion at the next meeting of his Union’s National Executive, and his account of it appears in the minutes – Ed.]

Any Other Business:

Mr Baker reported a highly confidential meeting to the Executive Committee. He had had a talk with Sir Humphrey Appleby, Permanent Secretary of the DAA, which they had both agreed should remain completely confidential and just between themselves. Sir Humphrey had raised the matter of St Edward’s Hospital. Mr Baker had indicated that he was prepared to take a soft line in these negotiations; he felt that we had not much of a case. It could be hard to argue that the government should keep ancillary staff on indefinitely in an empty hospital.

Sir Humphrey accused Mr Baker of defeatism, and ordered him to stick up for his members. Mr Baker reported that he was initially surprised by this suggestion, until Sir Humphrey pointed out that the 342 administrators must have some workers to administer – or they too would be on the dole.

Mr Baker was surprised at this indication that Sir Humphrey might be forced to lay off some civil servants. But as Sir Humphrey had said to him ‘we live now in strange and disturbing times’.

Mr Baker asked if Sir Humphrey would support the union if we took industrial action. Sir Humphrey pointed out that he is charged with keeping the wheels of government in motion, and could not possibly countenance a show of solidarity.

Nevertheless, he hinted that he would not come down heavy on a widespread and effective show of opposition from our members.

Mr Baker wanted to know where the Minister stood on this matter. Sir Humphrey explained that the Minister does not know his ACAS from his NALGO.

Mr Baker then indicated that, if he was to cause effective disruption, he needed some active help and support from Sir Humphrey. What with the hospital empty for fifteen months and no hope of opening any wards for another year or more, he informed Sir Humphrey that our members were resigned and apathetic.

Sir Humphrey asked if Billy Fraser was resigned or apathetic. At first Mr Baker thought Sir Humphrey did not realise that Fraser is at Southwark Hospital. But Sir Humphrey indicated that he could soon be transferred to St Edward’s.

The Assistant General Secretary commented that this is good news. We can do much to improve our members’ pay and conditions at St Edward’s if there is some real shop-floor militancy to build on.

Finally, Mr Baker reported that Sir Humphrey escorted him out of the door, offering good wishes to his fraternal comrades and singing ‘we shall overcome’.

The Executive Commitee urged Mr Baker to keep a close eye on Sir Humphrey Appleby in all future negotiations because of the possibility either that he’s a traitor to his class or that he’s going round the twist.