to take place, the press office notified the press, radio and television – and, in a glorious triumphant moment, I announced at the meeting, on television, to an enthusiastic cheering crowd that I would not be giving my approval for the BCC to manufacture Propanol.
I reckon that’s four marginals won in the next general election.
When I got home tonight I saw Sir Wally on
He simply issued a statement in which he said that if the Henderson Report was correct to cast doubt on the safety of metadioxin it was obviously impossible to consider manufacturing it on Merseyside.
Sir Humphrey was angrier with me today than I’ve ever seen him.
‘Do you feel like a hero?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘Number Ten will be delighted.’
‘Probably one of the worst governmental decisions I have ever witnessed,’ he snarled. I wasn’t bothered by this open rudeness.
‘Probably one of the best political decisions I’ve ever made,’ I replied confidently.
Bernard was silent.
‘What do
Bernard looked desperate. ‘I think . . . that, bearing everything in mind . . . and, ah . . . after due consideration and, well . . . um . . . considering all the implications and, ah, points of view, um, that, well, in other words, I am in fact,
Having enjoyed watching Bernard wriggle, I turned back to Humphrey. ‘Oh by the way,’ I asked, ‘can we manage a CBE for Henderson? Or a Vice-Chancellorship or something?’
Humphrey was appalled. ‘Certainly not! He’s completely unreliable and totally lacking in judgement. I still can’t think why he suddenly cast doubt on his whole report in that final paragraph.’
‘Because,’ I replied without thinking, ‘he has excellent judgement, enormous stature and great charm.’ Then I realised what I’d said.
So did Humphrey. ‘I thought you said you’d never met him.’ Quick as a flash I replied, ‘Intellectual stature.’
Humphrey was not fooled. ‘And charm?’ he enquired scathingly.
I was almost stumped. ‘He . . . er . . . he writes with charm,’ I explained unconvincingly. ‘Doesn’t he, Bernard?’
‘Yes Minister,’ replied Bernard dutifully.
Sir Humphrey’s face was a picture.
1 Originally said by Mr Harold Wilson as he then was.
2 Department of Industry.
12
The Devil You Know
The EEC is really intolerably difficult to deal with. For months I have been working with the DAA to get the whole of the Civil Service to place one big central order for word-processing machines. This would replace the present nonsensical practice of every separate department in Whitehall ordering all different sorts of word- processors in dribs and drabs.
If we at the DAA placed one big central order for everyone, the sum of money would be so large it would enable UK manufacturers to make the right sort of investment in systems development.
For days now, we have been on the verge of success. Months of patient negotiations were about to pay off. I was all ready to make a major press announcement: I could see the headlines: HACKER’S MASSIVE INVESTMENT IN MODERN TECHNOLOGY. JIM’S VOTE OF CONFIDENCE IN BRITISH INDUSTRY. BRITAIN CAN MAKE IT, SAYS JIM.
And then, this morning, we got another bloody directive from the bloody EEC in bloody Brussels, saying that all EEC members
I called a meeting to discuss all this. I went through the whole story so far, and Sir Humphrey and Bernard just sat there saying, ‘Yes Minister,’ and ‘Quite so Minister,’ at regular intervals. Some help.
Finally, I got tired of the sound of my own voice. [
He sighed. ‘Well, Minister, I’m afraid that this is the penalty we have to pay for trying to pretend that we are Europeans. Believe me, I fully understand your hostility to Europe.’
As so often happens, Humphrey completely missed the point. I tried to explain again.
‘Humphrey,’ I said slowly and patiently, ‘I’m not like you. I am pro-Europe. I’m just anti-Brussels. You seem to be anti-Europe and pro-Brussels.’
He dodged the issue, and pretended that he had no opinions on the EEC. Duplicitous creep. ‘Minister, I am neither pro nor anti anything. I am merely a Humble Vessel into which Ministers pour the fruits of their deliberations. But it can certainly be argued that, given the absurdity of the whole European idea, Brussels is in fact doing its best to defend the indefensible and make the unworkable work.’
I told Humphrey that he was talking through his hat and that although I didn’t want to sound pompous the
