Thinking where he might have been made the hot sting of tears rise and threaten to overflow.
Ayla had learned most of the customs of her adopted people, and had heard stories and legends that helped to explain them, but she wasn't born into the culture, and appropriate behaviour wasn't bred into her bones. She knew the general attitude about jealousy, but primarily in reference to Jondalar's lack of control as a youth. She felt that she had to demonstrate her ability to manage her emotions.
Her experience in the cave had been such a physically and emotionally wrenching ordeal, she was not thinking clearly. She was afraid to turn to anyone for help, afraid it would show that, like Jondalar, she could not control herself. But she was so devastated that, unconsciously, she wanted to strike out, make him feel her pain. She hurt, and she wanted to hurt back, make him sorry. She even considered going back into the cave and begging the Mother to take her, just to make Jondalar sorry.
She forced back her tears. I will not cry, she thought. She had learned to control her tears long ago, when she lived with the Clan. No one will know how I feel, she thought. I will act as though nothing happened. I will visit friends, I will join in the activities, I will meet with the other Acolytes, I will do everything I'm supposed to.
Ayla lay awake, gathering courage to get up and face the day. I will have to talk to Zelandoni and tell her what happened in the cave. It will not be easy to keep anything from her. She always knows. But I can't let her know. I can't tell her that I know how jealousy feels.
Everyone who shared the tent with them knew something had happened between Ayla and Jondalar, and most had a fair idea what it was. For all that he thought he was being discreet, everyone knew about Marona and him — Marona enjoyed flaunting it too much. They had been glad to see Ayla come so things could get back to normal. But when Ayla stayed away all afternoon, a dishevelled Marona tried to sneak back a different way, then packed up all her things and left, and Jondalar returned conspicuously disturbed and didn't come back that night to sleep, it wasn't hard to draw conclusions.
When Ayla finally got up, several people were sitting around a fire outside having a morning meal. It was still early, earlier than she thought. Ayla joined them.
'Proleva, do you know where Jonayla is? I promised her I'd go riding with her today, but I have to talk to Zelandoni first,' Ayla said.
Proleva studied her closely. She was handling it much better today; someone who didn't know her might not realise anything was wrong, but Proleva knew her better than most.
'Jonayla went to Levela's again. She's been spending a lot of time there, and Levela loves it. That little sister of mine has loved having a camp full of children around since she was born, I think,' Proleva said. 'Zelandoni did ask me to tell you that she wants to see you as soon as you can. She said she'll be available all morning.'
'I'll go after I eat, but I think I'll stop off and greet Marsheval and Levela on my way,' Ayla said.
'They'd like that,' Proleva said.
As Ayla approached the campsite, she heard childish voices raised in a squabble. 'So you won. I don't care,' Jonayla shouted at a boy somewhat bigger than her. 'You can win all you want, you can take it all, but you can't have a baby, Bokovan. When I grow up I'm going to have lots of babies, but you can't have any at all. So there!'
Jonayla stood facing the boy, overpowering him in spite of his greater size. The wolf hovered close to the ground, his ears back, looking confused. He didn't know who to protect. Although the boy was bigger, he was younger. He looked hardly more than a baby, but an oversize baby. His chubby short legs were bowed, his body was long in proportion, and his big barrel chest was accentuated by a baby's pot belly. Wolf ran to Ayla when he saw her, and she put her arms around him to calm him down.
Bokovan's shoulders were already much broader than her daughter's, Ayla noticed. He had a big nose on a face that jutted out in the middle, accentuating that nose, and a receding chin. Though his forehead was straight and not sloped, he had a definite bony ridge over his eyes, not huge, but there.
To Ayla there was no question that he had the cast of the Clan, including his dark liquid eyes, but their shape was not quite Clan. Like his mother, he had a slight epicanthic fold, making his eyes seem slanted, and at that moment they were filled with tears. Ayla thought he was an exotically handsome child, though not many others agreed.
The boy ran to Dalanar. 'Dalanah,' he cried, 'Jonayah say I can't ha'wa baby. Tell haw not twue.'
Dalanar picked the boy up and put him on his lap. 'I'm afraid it is true, Bokovan,' Dalanar said. 'Boys can't have babies. Only girls can grow up to have babies. But someday you can mate with a woman and help take care of her babies.'
'But, I wan'na baby, too,' Bokovan said, crying a new sob.
'Jonayla! That was a cruel thing to say,' Ayla reprimanded. 'Come here and say you're sorry to Bokovan. It's not nice to make him cry like that.'
She did feel contrite; she really hadn't meant to make him cry. 'I'm sorry, Bokovan,' Jonayla said.
Ayla almost said that he would help to make babies when he grew up, but thought better of it. She hadn't even spoken to Zelandoni yet, and Bokovan wouldn't understand anyway, but her heart went out to the boy. She knelt down in front of him.
'Hello, Bokovan. My name is Ayla and I've been wanting to meet you. Your mother and Echozar are my friends.'
'Can you say hello to Ayla, Bokovan?'
'He'wo, Ayla,' the boy said, then buried his head in Dalanar's shoulder.
'Can I hold him, Dalanar?'
'I'm not sure if he'll let you. He's very shy and not used to people,' Dalanar said.
Ayla held her arms out to the boy. He looked at her in serious contemplation. There was a liquid depth to his dark, slanted eyes, and something more, she felt. He reached out to her and she took the child from the man's arms. He was heavy! Ayla was surprised at his weight. 'You are going to grow up to be a very big man, Bokovan. Do you know that?' Ayla hugged the boy to her.
'I'm really surprised he went to you,' Dalanar said. 'He never takes to strangers like that.'
'How old is he now?' she asked.
'We can count just past three years for him, but he's big for his age. That can be a problem, especially for a boy. People think he's older than he is. I was always tall for my age when I was a youngster. Jondalar was, too,' Dalanar said.
Why did it hurt so much just to hear Jondalar's name, Ayla thought? She must learn to overcome that. After all, if she was going to be Zelandoni now, she needed to show composure. She had been training to control her mind in many ways — why couldn't she control herself now?
Ayla held the boy as she greeted Levela and Marsheval. 'I understand Jonayla has been here quite often. It seems she'd rather be here than any other place. Thank you for looking after her.'
'We're happy to have her,' Levela said. 'She and my girls are good friends, but I'm glad you finally made it here this year. It was getting so late in the season, we didn't know if you were coming.'
'I had planned to come before this, but things came up and I couldn't leave sooner,' Ayla said.
'How's Marthona? Everyone has missed her,' Levela said.
'She seems better … which reminds me …' She looked at Dalanar.
He spoke before she could ask. 'Joharran sent some people for her yesterday, in the afternoon. If she's up to it, she should be here in a few days.' He saw the questioning look on Levela's face. 'They're going to carry her here on a litter, if she'll allow it. It was Ayla's idea. Folara and young Aldanar seem to be seeing a lot of each other, and she thought Marthona would want to be here if they are getting serious. I know how Jerika would feel if it was Joplaya.' The young couple smiled and nodded. 'Have you seen Jerika or Joplaya yet, Ayla?' Dalanar asked.
'No, I haven't, but I'm on my way to see Zelandoni; then I promised Jonayla we'd go riding together.'
'Why don't you come back to the Lanzadonii camp this evening and stay for a meal?' Dalanar said.
Ayla smiled. 'I'd like that,' she said.
'Perhaps Jondalar can come, too. Do you know where he is?' Ayla lost her smile, Dalanar noted with some concern.
'No, I'm afraid I don't,' Ayla said.
'Well, there's always so much going on at Summer Meetings,' Dalanar said, relieving her of Bokovan.
Yes, there certainly is, Ayla thought as she continued on her way to meet with the zelandonia.
