atheism (AUT-iz-im): a religion for people who figure they probably already know everything there is to know about everything.
Bayeux Tapestry (bay-OOKS tap-ESS-tree): a long strip of material embroidered in the Middle Ages that illustrates 333
the events leading up to the Norman Conquest of England.
Starring the Pope, William the Conqueror, a guy named King Cnut [sic], and a lot of guys with swords dressed up as chess pieces.
The Beatles (the RUTT-ulz): four mop-topped lads from Liverpool who set the toes of the world a-tapping. Then they turned into hippies.
be-in (BE-ing): back in the sixties, hippies used to have these, where everybody took drugs and tried to feel important. I think it’s pretty much the same as a “happening.”
bete noire (bait nwah-RAY): “black beast” in nonadvanced French. It’s slightly worse than a pet peeve, though not as bad as a bane, as far as I can tell.
The Bible (the bibble): a big creepy book, the contents of which have influenced and formed the basis for much of the history and culture of Western civilization for thousands and thousands of years. Mention of this book is forbidden in public schools and in progressive right-thinking households, thus ensuring that substantial chunks of history and literature and the culture at large will be virtually incomprehensible to a sizeable minority of the country’s population. Highly prized by religious and other wrong-thinking people for these and other reasons.
bitch (beetch): an uncooperative female. Also, a cooperative female. Additionally, among girls, a rival. Or ally.
Black Sabbath (BLAY-ack suh-BAWTH): pentagrams, in-verted crosses, capes, tights, drugs, de-tuned guitars, un-limited recording budgets—what could go wrong? The eighteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
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Blue Oyster Cult (blue iced occult): maybe rock and roll music wasn’t meant to be this intellectual and sophisticated, but they’re still the twelfth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Boomers (boh-OM-ers): the Most Annoying Generation.
bourgeois pigs (bore-GOYCE pegs): what people in the sixties used to call their parents.
bubblegum (BOOB leh-GYOOM): this is, in the end, more or less the Lord’s music.
Jimmy Buffett ( JUM-ee boo-FAY): a weird old hippie dude featuring Hawaiian shirts and terrible music. On special occasions, a boomer dad will sometimes put on a little Jimmy Buffett costume, fix drinks with umbrellas in them, and bring them over to his “old lady,” biting his lower lip and doing this weird, slow-motion dance-walk. If there is a more gruesome scenario on this earth, I cannot think what it might be and do not want to know in any case.
callipygian (CALL-ippy-DJEE-ahn), also callipygous: Describes a woman with large, shapely, or otherwise lovely, remarkable, or impressive buttocks. By way of the Greeks, those ancient, horny, clever bastards. The day I learned there was a word for this was the day I regained my interest in living and faith in humanity.
Relax. Clear your mind and let the magic take hold of you.
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You’re floating, floating on air. Take the book. Go on, take it. You know you want to. That’s it. Nice and slow. Isn’t it so much easier this way? One of us, one of us, one of us . . .
Cocksparrer (HOT-spur): working-class English punk band who could have been the Sex Pistols if they had played their cards right. But they didn’t.
cock tease (kok TAYCE): an attractive female whose behavior is erratic, unpredictable, or otherwise unsatisfactory.
collage (koe-LODGE-ay): a piece of paper with things cut out from magazines glued on it in an attractive or arresting pattern. Has replaced the expository essay as the preferred means for assessing a student’s academic progress in American public schools.
concupiscent (con-koo-PISK-unt): wide open and up for anything.
D and D (DAN-dee): a role-playing game played only by very cool guys.
dilettante (dial-TAN-tay): one who can never stick with anything for more than a couple of minutes. An unjustly ma-ligned lifestyle.
The Doors (duh DERZ): there is an extremely well-organized conspiracy among boomers to
