«All those women, hundreds of them, you told us,”
said Tony, «there must have been some love going around.
You must have felt it. Some of them must have loved you.»
«That was long ago. If any had love for me, I made
sure to avoid them. And even if they felt love, it was not
love, for me, the real me—it was love for my act, my
technique.»
«What`s the real you?» asked Julius.
Philip`s voice grew deadly serious. «Remember what
I did for a job when we first met? I was an exterminator—a
clever chemist who invented ways to kill insects, or to
render them infertile, by using their own hormones. How`s
that for irony? The killer with the hormone gun.»
«So the real you is?» Julius persisted.
Philip looked directly into Julius`s eyes: «A monster.
A predator. Alone. An insect killer.» His eyes filled with
tears. «Full of blind rage. An untouchable. No one who has
known me has loved me. Ever. No onecould love me.»
Suddenly, Pam rose and walked toward Philip. She
signaled Tony to change seats with her and, sitting down
next to Philip, took his hand in hers, and said in a soft
voice, «Icould have loved you, Philip. You were the most
beautiful, the most magnificent man I had ever seen. I
called and wrote you for weeks after you refused to see me
again. I could have loved you, but you polluted—”
«Shhh.» Julius reached over and touched Pam on the
shoulder to silence her. «No, Pam, don`t go there. Stay with
the first part, say it again.»
«I could have loved you.»
«And you were the...” prompted Julius.
«And you were the most beautiful man I had ever
seen.»
«Again,” whispered Julius.
Still holding Philip`s hand and seeing his tears flow
freely, Pam repeated, «I could have loved you, Philip. You
were the most beautiful man...”
At this Philip, with his hands to his face, rose and
bolted from the room.
Tony immediately headed to the door. «That`s my
cue.»
Julius, grunting as he too rose, stopped Tony. «No,
Tony, this one`s on me.» He strode out and saw Philip at
the end of the hall facing the wall, head resting on his
forearm, sobbing. He put his arm around Philip`s shoulder
and said, «It`s good to let it all out, but we must go back.»
Philip, sobbing more loudly and heaving as he tried
to catch his breath, shook his head vigorously.
«You must go back, my boy. This is what you came
for, this very moment, and you mustn`t squander it. You`ve
worked well today—exactly the way you have to work to
become a therapist. Only a couple of minutes left in the
meeting. Just come back with me and sit in the room with
the others. I`ll watch out for you.»
Philip reached around and briefly, just for a moment,
put his hand atop Julius`s hand, then raised himself erect
and walked alongside Julius back to the group. As Philip
sat down, Pam touched his arm to comfort him, and Gill,
sitting on the other side, clasped his shoulder.
«How areyou doing, Julius?» asked Bonnie. «You
look tired.»
«I`m feeling wonderful in my head, I`m so swept
away, so admiring of the work this group has done—I`m so
glad to have been a part of this. Physically, yes, I have to
admit I am ailing, and weary. But I have more than enough
juice left for our last meeting next week.»
«Julius,” said Bonnie, «okay to bring a ceremonial
cake for our last meeting?»
«Absolutely, bring any kind of carrot cake you
wish.»
But there was to be no formal farewell meeting. The
following day Julius was stricken by searing headaches.
Within a few hours he passed into a coma and died three
days later. At their usual Monday–afternoon time the group
gathered at the coffee shop and shared the ceremonial
carrot cake in silent grief.
41
Death Comes to Arthur Schopenhauer
_________________________
I can bear
the
thought
that in a
short time
worms will
eat away
my body
but the
idea of
philosophy
professors
nibbling
at my
philosophy
makes me
