«I don`t know what to say to you, Julius,” said Bonnie.
«This feels really awkward.»
«Say more about the awkwardness, Bonnie,” said Julius,
feeling burdened by the chore of being his own therapist in the
group.
«Well, this is brand new. This is the first time you`ve ever
laid yourself out like this in the group.»
«Go on. Feelings?»
«I feel very tense. I think it`s because this is so ambiguous.
If one of us,” she waved her arm around, «brings something
painful to the group, we know what we should do—I mean we get
right to work even though we may not know exactly how to do it.
But with you, I don`t know...”
«Right, what`s not clear iswhy you`re telling us,” said Tony,
leaning forward, eyes squinting under his bushy eyebrows. «Let
me ask something I learned from you. It came up last week in
fact.Why now? Is it because you made a bargain with Philip? Most
folks here say no about that—that the bargain makes no sense. Or
do you want help with feelings remaining from that incident? I
mean, your reasons for sharing aren`t clear. If you want my
personal reactions, I got no problem with what you did. I`ll tell you
straight out, I feel the same way I felt about Stuart and Gill and
Rebecca—I personally don`t see the big deal about what you did. I
could see myself doing that. You`re lonely, sexed up, some broads
ask to comfort you, you let them, and everybody has a good time.
They probably got off on it too. I mean, we`re talking about ladies
as though they only get used or exploited. I get riled, really riled,
by this picture of men begging for some scrap of sex which
women, sitting on their thrones, may or may not decide to toss out
as a favor. As though they don`t get off too.»
Tony turned his head at the sound of Pam slapping her head
as she covered her face with her hands and noted that Rebecca, too,
had her hands to her head. «Okay, okay, maybe I`ll toss those last
cards and just stick with the cards saying,Why now? ”
«Good question, Tony. I appreciate your getting me started.
A few minutes ago I was wishing I had a cotherapist here to help
me, and then you come along and do the job. You`re good at this.
Therapy could have been a good career for you. Let`s see.Why
now? I`ve asked that question so many times, and yet this may be
the first time I`ve had it come my way. First, I think you`re all
right–on when you say it`s not because of my bargain with Philip.
Yet I can`t dismiss that entirely because there is something to his
point about the I–thou relationship. To quote Philip, the idea is вЂ?not
without merit.`” Julius smiled at Philip but received no smile in
return.
Julius continued, «What I mean is, thereis some problem
with the lack of reciprocity in the authentic therapy relationship—
it`s a knotty question. So addressing that problem is part of my
reason for accepting Philip`s challenge.»
Julius wanted a response. He felt he had been speaking too
long. He turned to Philip. «How doyou feel about what I`ve said so
far?»
Philip jerked his head around, startled at Julius`s question.
After a moment`s deliberation he said, «It seems generally agreed
here that I`m one of those who have chosen to reveal a great deal.
That`s inaccurate. Someone in the group revealed something about
their experience with me, and I revealed what I did only in the
service of historical accuracy.»
«Want to tell me what`s that got to do with anything?» asked
Tony.
«Exactly,” said Stuart. «Talk about accuracy, Philip! First,
for the record, I`m not one who`s thought you`ve revealed
yourself. But, mainly I want to say your answer is nowhere near
the mark. It has zero to do with Julius`s question about your
feelings.»
Philip seemed to take no offense. «Right. Okay, back to
Julius`s question—I think I was confounded by his question
because Ihad no feelings. There was nothing in what he said to
warrant an emotional response.»
«Thatat least is relevant,” said Stuart. «Your earlier response
came out of left field.»
«I am so tired of your pseudodementia game here!» Pam,
slapping her thigh in exasperation, spit out her words to Philip.
«And I`m pissed at your refusing to give me a name! This referring
to me as вЂ?someone in the group` is insulting and imbecilic.»
«Bypseudodementia you imply I feign ignorance?» said
Philip, avoiding Pam`s glare.
«Glory be,” said Bonnie, raising her arms, «A first. The two
of you are acknowledging one another, actually speaking.»
Pam ignored Bonnie`s remark and continued speaking to
Philip. «Pseudodementia is a compliment compared to its
alternative. You say you can find nothing in Julius`s remark
warranting a response. Howcan anyone have no responses to
Julius?» Pam`s eyes blazed.
«For example?» asked Philip. «You obviously have
something in mind for me to feel.»
«Let`s trygratitude for taking you and your thoughtless and
insensitive question seriously. Let`s tryrespect for keeping his I–thou promise to you. Or how aboutsorrow for what he went
through in the past. Orfascination or evenidentification with his
unruly sexual feelings. Oradmiration for his willingness to work
with you, with all of us, despite his cancer. And that`s just for
starters.» Pam raised her voice: «How could younot have
feelings?» Pam looked away from Philip, breaking off their
contact.
Philip didn`t answer. He sat still as a Buddha, leaning
forward in his chair, gazing at the floor.
In the deep silence following Pam`s outburst Julius
wondered how best to continue. Often it was better to wait—one of
