years I worked my ass off trying to understand and empathize with
him. But Julius kept silent; Philip was gradually changing.
Sometimes it is best to store things and return to them at some
propitious time in the future.
A couple of weeks later the group raised these issues for him
during a meeting which began with Rebecca and Bonnie both
telling Pam that she had changed—for the worse—since Philip had
entered the group. All the sweet, loving, generous parts of her had
disappeared from sight, and, though her anger was not as vicious
as in her first confrontation with him, still, Bonnie said, it was
always present and had frozen into something hard and relentless.
«I`ve seen Philip change a great deal in the past few
months,” said Rebecca, «but you`re so stuck—just like you were
with John and Earl. Do you want to hold on to your rage forever?»
Others pointed out that Philip had been polite, that he had
responded fully to every one of Pam`s inquiries, even to those
laced with sarcasm.
«Be polite,” said Pam, «then you will be able to manipulate
others. Just like you can work wax only after you have warmed it.»
«What?» asked Stuart. Others members looked quizzical.
«I`m just quoting Philip`s mentor. That`s one of
Schopenhauer`s choice tidbits of advice—and that`s what I think
of Philip`s politeness. I never mentioned it here, but when I first
considered grad school I considered working on Schopenhauer.
But after several weeks of studying his work and his life, I grew to
despise the man so much I dropped the idea.»
«So, you identify Philip with Schopenhauer?» said Bonnie.
«Identify? Philipis Schopenhauer—twin–brained, the living
embodiment of that wretched man. I could tell you things about his
philosophy and life that would curdle your blood. And, yes, I do
believe Philip manipulates instead of relating—and I`ll tell you
this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others
with Schopenhauer`s life–hating doctrine.»
«Will you ever see Philip as he is now?» said Stuart. «He`s
not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident
between you distorts everything; you can`t get past it, and you
can`t forgive him.»
«That вЂ?incident`? You make it sound like a hangnail. It`s
more than an incident. As for forgiving, don`t you think some
things exist that are not forgivable?»
«Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are
unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged
with emotion. «Many years ago you and I made a short–term social
contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I
fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and
I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got
something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and
release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our
conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening
but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have
been clearer?»
«I`m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, «I`m talking
about charity—love,caritas, concern for others.»
«You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience
life the same way as you.»
«I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.»
«In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased
to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter
condemning me to every member of my department as well as to
the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite
my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent
student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not
one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of
support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was
never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years
have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third–rate schools.»
Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense,
responded, «So you must feel you`ve served your time and that
society exacted a heavy price.»
Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He
nodded. «Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.»
Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few
moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the
whole group: «Don`t you get that I`m not talking about a single
past criminal act. I`m talking about an ongoing way of being in the
world. Weren`t you all chilled just now when Philip described his
behavior in our act of love as his �obligations to our social
contract`? And what about his comments that, despite three years
with Julius, he felt understood for the �first time` only when he
read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after
three years Julius did not understand him?»
The group remained silent. After several moments Pam
turned to Philip. «You want to know the reason you felt understood
by Schopenhauer and not Julius? I`ll tell you why: because
Schopenhauer is dead, dead over one hundred and forty years, and
Julius is alive. And you don`t know how to relate to the living.»
Philip did not look as though he would respond, and
Rebecca rushed in, «Pam, you`re being vicious. What will it take to
appease you?»
«Philip`s not evil, Pam,” said Bonnie, «he`s broken. Can`t
you see that? Don`t you know the difference?»
Pam shook her head and said, «I can`t go any farther today.»
After a palpably uncomfortable silence Tony, who had been
uncharacteristically quiet, intervened. «Philip, I`m not pulling a
rescue here, but I`ve been wondering something. Have you had any
follow–up feelings to Julius`s telling us a few months ago about his
sexual stuff after his wife died?»
Philip seemed grateful for the diversion. «What
