feelingsshould I have?»
«I don`t know about the вЂ?should.` I`m just asking what
youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first
seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you
more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual
pressure?»
Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer
is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but
Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings
similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why
I felt so understood by him.
«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my
work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told
him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he
confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little
while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a
supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from
our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»
«Like what?» asked Tony.
«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual
seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and
asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded
only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That
response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had
arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»
«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.
«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my
tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a
suggestion: �He fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same
epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»
Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s
mean, Julius.»
«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant
to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it
played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I
wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like
acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»
«Do you know why?» asked Tony.
«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he
wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his
approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I
don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded
toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»
«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»
And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect
attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated
anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension
between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,
optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell
about to hit the group.
35
Self—Therapy
_________________________
When a man like
me is born
there remains
only one thing
to be desired
from without—
that throughout
the whole of
his life he can
as much as
possible be
himself and
live for his
intellectual
powers.
_________________________
More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a
dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped
Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,
devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,
were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring
bulwarks of support. Of these, the most potent was his unswerving
lifelong belief in his genius.
Even in my youth I noticed in myself that, whereas others
strived for external possessions, I did not have to turn to such
things because I carried within me a treasure infinitely more
valuable than all external possessions; and the main thing was
to enhance the treasure for which mental development and
complete independence are the primary conditions.... Contrary
to nature and the rights of man, I had to withdraw my powers
from the advancement of my own well–being, in order to
devote them to the service of mankind. My intellect belonged
not to me but to the world.
The burden of his genius, he said, made him more anxious
and uneasy than he already was by virtue of his genetic makeup.
For one thing, the sensibility of geniuses causes them to suffer
more pain and anxiety. In fact, Schopenhauer persuades himself,
there is a direct relationship between anxiety and intelligence.
Hence, not only do geniuses have an obligation to use their gift for
mankind, but, because they are meant to devote themselves
entirely to the fulfilling of their mission, they were compelled to
