CHAPTER 11
I was positively astonished and dismayed to find five or six men, in faultless evening costume, in the drawing room downstairs. I had no idea that there would be any strangers-men above all-to witness what I had to go through! Fortunately, my great confusion was interpreted as sweet and pretty bashfulness and ingenuousness. By degrees, I rather entered into the spirit of the joke, especially as Mademoiselle took an early opportunity of whispering into my ear that she would expose me and flay me alive unless I behaved myself. She then introduced one of the men as Lord Alfred Ridlington and myself as Miss Julia Robinson. He appeared to be good-naturedly amused at my fluttered demeanour and at once tried to set me at my ease. He succeeded to a very considerable extent, but there was something in his eyes which to my mind suggested that he was in the secret; an idea which kept bringing a succession of hot blushes to my cheeks and neck. The other men regarded me with ill-concealed looks of respectful and profound admiration. They were, it was plain, jealous of Lord Alfred Ridlington's good fortune and without any idea of the truth; but I could not rid myself of the notion that he had some inkling of it. The restraint of the bandage speedily became a subject of thankfulness; without it, some indication of what I began to feel would inevitably have made its appearance and have entirely destroyed the illusion.
Lord Alfred Ridlington took me down to dinner, and, of course, sat beside me. He took a proper solicitude in my welfare, exercising a watchful care over me such as I conceived to be the duty of a cavalier towards the maiden whom he had been deputed to look after. And I, for my part, comported myself as much after the fashion of a young lady as I possibly could. I was careful not to encourage him too much, and gave myself all a girl's airs and graces, her pretty fastidiousness, her little wilful ways and arch caprices. Maud, Agnes, and Beatrice were all too fully occupied with their own cavaliers to notice me much, or I doubt whether my assurance would have proved equal to the occasion.
Lord Alfred Ridlington himself aided me materially by the perpetual flow of small talk which he kept up unceasingly for my entertainment. It admirably served to cover any little confusion arising at odd moments when I felt slightly at a loss. I was hungry, in fact very hungry, but the wretched corset was so desperately tight that I was compelled to eat like a real young lady and dared not drink much.
I filled up the time by wondering where I had heard Lord Alfred Ridlington's name, which seemed familiar to me, and, at length, recollected it had been mentioned to me by Mademoiselle herself during my discussion with her in her boudoir that afternoon. She had threatened to hand me over to Lady Alfred Ridlington, whom she said was particularly fond of breaking in amorous youths. This, I thought, must be that lady's husband, and I immediately cast at him a glance expressing so much interest that he noticed it. Ignorant of its true motive he seemed much gratified by the look, and we thereupon became greater friends than ever. He was a very good-looking young man, fair, plump, with a beautiful mouth, teeth, ears, and hands, and rejoicing in an enormous expanse of snowy white shirt front, fastened with three brilliant diamond studs. I observed how white and unusually well-formed his neck was, and a certain softness, even effeminacy, about him and his air suggested the question as to whether he had ever been subjected to the same discipline that I was going through. I sadly reflected how bitterly disappointed he would certainly be if he ever discovered that I was a boy.
CHAPTER 12
After dinner there was a carpet dance. One or two of the other men were at first my partners. How odd I felt, and how feminine! But I naturally enjoyed most those waltzes which I had with Lord Alfred. He waltzed capitally. After several turns, however, he suggested a stroll and a rest; and although I was sure Mademoiselle would notice our absence and was by no means so sure how she would take it, we soon found ourselves in a cosy and sequestered nook of the conservatory, where, seated close to me, he began to make hot love. His advances were delicate and insinuating. Aggression would at once have put me in arms. When he hoped he was not altogether disagreeable to me, what could I say? I could not be rude. But my unprotected position, the knowledge that I could not respond, which grew upon me with increasing intensity, filled me before long with a feeling approaching dismay, and I positively longed for a chaperon.
I had never been in such a fix before. I liked being made love to; but when he discovered that I was a fraud! Confound Mademoiselle and all her ways!
What on earth to do-whether to confess what I was, say I could not help it, and rely on his honour not to tell — I did not know.
The idea of running away occurred; but what a fool I should look, and, besides, it very soon became impossible and I was obliged to abandon all thought of it; for he put his arm round my waist and held my thighs pressed closely to him. How a girl would have enjoyed it! But me! I could only behave as I conceived a maiden would have done.
To add to my confusion, and to hasten the catastrophe, his other hand, in some inexplicable way, got up one of my legs underneath my petticoats. Then I felt there was no hope left! The murder would soon be out, and he would indignantly expose me to Mademoiselle, and she! But between my real and imaginary sensations I was in such a state of tremor and excitement that I could only rest gasping against him, be the consequences what they might.
After several minutes of the most deliciously exciting but yet most embarrassing dalliance with my legs and undergarments, and after many whispered soft nothings in my ear, he slipped his hand right up to my waist and got a firm hold of what was fastened there between my limbs!
Now, thought I, surely all is over! And I prepared myself for the outburst I conceived imminent, and to meet the consequences as best I could. But to my intense relief and no small astonishment, he proceeded to play with his fingers and hand, until I was almost beside myself. The softness and warmth of his form surprised me much. I wondered whether I should treat a girl so. Certainly not, I concluded, if I discovered her to be a boy. However, he evidently thought otherwise, for he continued torturing me in this nice fashion for some time, and appeared to take an unaccountable pleasure in it. At length, he went further; he set me, or, to speak more correctly, an important part of me, free by slipping the loops of the bandage over the hooks in front, and then leaning quite over me, he took hold of me afresh, this time more vigorously and more comprehensively.
The same crisis soon occurred (but under a completely different set of emotions) as had happened on the sofa with Mademoiselle, and, strange to say, his enjoyment of it seemed to equal, if not to surpass hers. It puzzled me how it could give him pleasure, and I felt no longer a girl. There was no mistake about it, his eyes swam, his lips were glued to mine, and he seemed to be carried away by a strong corresponding passion. Was he a man?
After a few minutes spent in imbibing as slowly as possible the deliciousness of the sensations we had evoked, he readjusted the linen bandage, gave me a final kiss, helped me to rearrange my disordered garments, and to smooth my ruffled hair, and then he proposed that we should rejoin the company in the drawing room. Although my cheeks were on fire, even if there were no other telltale signs, we were obliged to do so, for I felt sure that our absence would have been remarked. But returning did not accord with my wishes. I longed to tear open his shirt, his trousers, to investigate for myself, to solve the tormenting question without delay. Could he be a woman? He must know now that I was not one. What could he be? He gave me no chance, however, to ascertain. He availed himself of my dread that Mademoiselle would notice our being away, and said that my looks would confirm her worst suspicions, so we hurried off at once, and I was very glad to join energetically in the waltz we found just started when we got there. It would be some explanation of my flustered condition. Did all young ladies, I wondered, who left the ballroom or sat a dance out on the stairs meet with an experience like mine?
But I was doomed to disappointment. Mademoiselle had not failed to notice our absence, and proceeded in the presence of the entire company, to my horror, to rate Lord Alfred soundly for having carried off one of her charges, and upon his improper behaviour, paying scant attention to his excuses. Then, turning to me, she informed me I was to go off at once to my bedroom, there to be well smacked with a slipper, and put to bed by her maid for
