‘I am not frightened of flying. It was all those football hooligans getting pissed and fighting on the plane that had me worried. Anyway that’s beside the point. I’ve agreed to take Swinburne’s place. And we’ll need the money the way you’re bound to spend it over there.’
‘You haven’t been listening. Uncle Wally’s paying for the trip and all our expenses and…’
But before they could get into a real argument the doorbell rang and Sarah Bevis arrived. She was carrying a roll of posters. Behind her a young man held a cardboard box. Wilt hurried out the back door. He’d go to an Indian restaurant for a meal.
Chapter 3
Next morning Wilt was up early and he cycled down to the Tech. He had to speak to Swinburne and get him to agree to swap.
‘The Canadian course has been scrapped. I thought you knew,’ Swinburne told Wilt when he finally found him in the canteen at lunch-time. ‘Not that I care though I could have done with the money.’
‘Any particular reason?’
‘Sex. Roger Manners screwed some woman from Vancouver last year.’
‘What’s so special about that? He’s always acting like a goat. The silly ass is sex mad.’
‘Chose the wrong woman,’ said Swinburne. ‘Got her pregnant which wasn’t very wise because her husband had had a vasectomy. Came as a nasty surprise having a pregnant wife. So nasty he flew over from Vancouver and tracked Roger the Lodger down and then went to the Principal with the good news.’
‘Which was?’
‘That he was getting a divorce and Roger was the corespondent. And secondly that he owned a TV station and several newspapers across Canada and that he intended to see the Tech got maximum publicity for running a course on British Culture and Tradition that included extramarital sex. Bam went the course. I’m surprised you didn’t know.’
Wilt took the bad news back to Peter Braintree.
‘I’ve got to think of something quick. I’m damned if I’m going to Wilma.’
‘It sounds a nice trip to me. All expenses paid, and Americans are very hospitable. Or so I’ve always understood.’
Wilt shuddered.
‘Hospitality is one thing but you obviously haven’t met Uncle Wally and Auntie Joan. Last time they were over here we had to go to dinner with them at their hotel in London. And of course it had to be the biggest, newest and most expensive hotel with dinner served in their suite. It was unadulterated hell. First we had to have what Wally calls ‘real’ dry martinis. God alone knows what proof the gin was but I’d say it was liquid Semtex. I was stewed to the gills by the time lobsters came. Then the biggest steaks I’ve ever seen. No wine. Uncle Wally reckons wine is for pansies so we had to switch to malt whisky and Coke. I ask you, malt whisky and Coca-Cola. And all the time Auntie Joan was bleating on about how wonderful it was Eva having quads and how nice it was going to be when we all came over to Wilma. Nice? Sheer murder and I’m not going.’
‘Eva isn’t going to be pleased,’ said Braintree.
‘Maybe not but I’ll think of something. Stratagems and deceptions that will make my not going seem a positive boom. We must approach the problem from the psychological angle and ask why Eva is beside herself with joy. I can answer that. Not because she’s visiting
