Show'd his concern.
A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED
In a Case of Impotency
In the last decade of the eighteenth century a libel was preferred in Doctor's Commons by the daughter of an Esculapian professor against her husband for the heinous matrimonial crime of impotency, which was quashed in that conscientious jurisdiction by an event, if not of the most fortunate, at least of the most critical nature. Without any
presentiment, or allusion, of, or to, what actually happened, the defendant pleaded THE GENERAL ISSUE and the eccleciastical Jurats decreed that the opinion of three surgical examiners, upon oath, should decide the question, which, though neither of astronomy nor astrology, demanded a peculiar knowledge of the 'globes,' and all the principles of celestial and terrestrial 'motion,' nocturnal as well as diurnal. Messrs. Hocus, Pocus, and Focus, three very learned adepts in cases of this sort, were accordingly appointed upon this occasion. The defendant was served with notice of time and place, and every previous circumstance arranged to make the business as easy to his feelings as the nature thereof would admit.
But notwithstanding all this judicial and medical delicacy, the unfortunate defendant found himself exceedingly agitated by apprehensions lest the examiners should not find matters altogether as perfect as their knowledge of female anatomy might judge necessary — besides, the well-known idea of shrinking through fear had a most disagreeable effect upon his recollection.
However, as the criterion was decreed by the profound wisdom of the Spiritual Court, he considered it inevitable, and therefore submitted to the consequences. Behold now, gentle reader, especially if thou be of the softer and more tender sex- behold this votary of Hymen stretched upon his back! Behold the three sage sons of Galen with spectacles mounted! Behold the fingers of the eldest already applied to the flexible portcullis which screened and guarded the TRIA JUNCTA of human perpetuity! Behold them, like three Jewish high priests or Mahometan muftis going to perform the ceremony of circumcision, and call to your recollection what indeed must have been the feelings of the unfortunate object of their investigation. But, to return — Just as the enquiry was commencing, with no very favourable symptoms for our hero, a loud rapping was heard at the door of the apartment; the operation ceased, and the door being opened, a female far advanced in pregnancy made her appearance, attended by a grave looking matron, and two
officers belonging to the court, who, upon a proper application, had issued its authority to that purpose.
The three examiners now enquired into the cause of this intrusion, when the grave lady, who, it seems, was nearly allied in consanguinity to the defendant, addressed them to the following purport: 'Gentlemen, as the honour of my family is deeply concerned in this business, I have, by bribing the maid servant of this lady, found that, notwithstanding her charges against my relation, she was actually with child when she left him, and for that reason, without mentioning my intentions to anyone, I procured a proper citation, and contrived to have her brought before you, that your eyes might be satisfied as to the falsity of the imputations.' At this moment the poor victim of examination raised himself up, and, to his utter astonishment, beheld his complaining spouse with every mark of having received ample justice.
Nothing could possible excite more wonder than this accident — Hocus, however, observed that it might be altogether a deception — Pocus was therefore for feeling the reality — and Focus declared that there was nothing like ocular demonstration, especially since the adoption of pads, or comme il fauts. The examination was, therefore, immediately translated from the masculine to the feminine gender, and the plaintiff became defendant in error; but nothing could induce the three examiners from being fully satisfied. She was extended upon the same table, where but a few minutes before lay her husband, and, having gone through a thorough investigation, her case was pronounced to be an 'ipso facto issue,' proving to the utmost satisfaction of justice, penetration, and all those subsequent effects which the modesty of the laws upon trials for rapes and impotencies so necessarily demands.
AN ECCENTRICITY
A gentlemen was in the habit, whenever attending a public dinner, of always, when called upon for a toast, giving, 'The Church.' His wife, who was rather deaf, got tired of this continual repetition, and told him that the next time he gave it she would expose him. The husband taking the hint upon the next occasion gave, 'The Ladies.' The wife, mistaking this for the old toast, astonished the company by rising and saying- 'I told my husband that if he again gave this toast I would expose him — I assure you he has not been in one for a very long time, and the last time he was he came out before it was half over.'
CURIOUS DISCOURSE ON THE MEANING, DUTY, AND HAPPINESS OF KISSING
'Jacob kissed Rachel/' — Gen. c. 29, v. 11.
To prove that he did not incur the least guilt by this delightful act, we have the combined testimonies of the scriptures; and the unanimous opinions of the most learned interpreters of the passage which we have selected for the subject of the following discourse.
Multitudes of men since the days of this illustrious patriarch have done the same, and been, like him, as absolutely free from sinning. The voice of all ages has not merely confirmed the rectitude of the practice, but emphatically recommended the initiation of it to posterity.
Much does it redound to the humour of the present century, and to the natives of the British empire in particular, that in this agreeable pursuit, instead of ever deviating from the paths of their 'pious' ancestors, they have improved to such a degree upon the example, that future times however well disposed to bear obediently in their remembrance so captivating a lesson, will find it difficult to surpass them in their adherence to this engaging virtue.
May we constantly persevere in fervent efforts to deserve this character. Indefatigably performing so essential and so exquisite a branch of our Christian duty, may we proceed from strength to strength, rejoicing until we obtain the completion of our utmost wishes.
In the discussion of this important point, I propose, first, to consider the meaning of the words 'Jacob kissed Rachel.'
Secondly, to enforce the fullest submission to the charming precept which they convey.
First, as to the meaning of the words, 'Jacob kissed Rachel/'
The verb to kiss, the substantive a kiss, and participle kissing, and that strange and equivocally sounding phrase kissed, will all admit of a double interpretation. They may signify either a simple salute, or a ceremony more complicated in its nature; but the kissing described in the text under the former description; it was a mere contact of the lips, accompanied by, perhaps a partial, perhaps a mutual smacking.
This will appear from an examination of the context. We learn that Jacob departed from the house of his father upon a journey to the land of the people of the East, for the purpose of receiving a beautiful and meritorious wife into his bosom.
This expedition was difficult, interesting, and momentous.
On the result of it depended his bliss or misery. The partner of his nuptial bed might either cover it with piercing thorns, or, with a kind and constant hand, strew it over with unfading wreaths of roses.
After a tedious pilgrimage, if the expression be allowable, he arrived at Padanaram, in Syria, a country which seemed, for various reasons, the peculiar favourite of heaven.
In one of the green valleys of this fertile region he met the young, the elegant, and lovely Rachel. Instigated by the propensity of his nature, and the power of her personal attractions, he flew to her embraces, and, in the
