‘Yes, he does, because one time when we were having a snack with her he gave her a big hug and they didn’t know I saw.’
Everything stopped and turned white.
‘What is it, Mamma? Aren’t we going to walk any more?’
In a single instant everything turned upside down.
In a second the realisation erased every hint of trust, belief, confidence.
Linda!
It was Linda.
Everything she had believed and could count on had suddenly turned into yet another lie, another betrayal.
That woman, who had just been sitting so protectively with her lips against her son’s skin, whom she had just reassured and told it wasn’t serious, she was the one, she was the person who was trying to destroy their family. Like an amoeba she had wormed her way into their life and hidden her intentions behind her feigned concern.
Was there anything to hold on to? Anything she could trust to be as it should be?
How long had this been going on? Were there any others who knew about it? Maybe all the parents knew. Only she, poor Axel’s jilted mamma, was left in the dark about whether her husband was having a secret affair with their child’s day-care teacher.
The degradation was like a razor blade pressed against her wrist.
‘Mamma, come on.’
She looked around, no longer conscious of where she was. The sound of a car approaching and slowing down. Jakob’s mother rolled down the window.
‘Hi, are you on your way home? You can ride with me if you want.’
Did she know something? Was she one of them who knew and gave her pitying looks behind her back?
‘No.’
‘Please, Mamma, can’t we?’
‘We’re walking.’
Eva gave her a swift glance, took Axel’s hand and pulled him along with her. Jakob’s mother drove alongside.
‘By the way, the parents’ group has to have a meeting soon to plan that Stone-Age camp at the day-care. Do you have time this week?’
It was impossible to answer, there were no words. She quickened her steps. Five metres more to the path across the park. Without answering she turned and pushed Axel in front of her along the path. Behind her she heard the car idle and then drive off.
Linda. How old could she be? Twenty-seven, twenty-eight? She didn’t have any children, Eva knew that at least. And now she had managed to seduce one of her day-care children’s fathers without having the least idea of what it meant to be responsible for a life.
She looked at the little body in front of her. Colourful red PVC-coated trousers like balloons around his short legs. He started to run when he saw his house.
She stopped.
Axel took a short cut through the lilac hedge and vanished through the front door. Her son in the same house as the traitor. That cowardly shit who didn’t even have the courage to admit his betrayal.
What he had done was unforgivable. She would never ever forgive him for it.
Never.
Ever.
For the first time in two years and five months he was going to spend the evening somewhere besides Karolinska Hospital. His anger at Anna’s betrayal would not let him go, and by God he would show her. She could lie there all alone and wonder where he was. Tomorrow he would tell her that he had been at the pub having a good time. Then she’d regret it, realise that she could actually lose him. If she didn’t shape up maybe he would do as they wanted. Let go and move on. Then she could lie there and rot and nobody would give a damn.
The psychotherapist monster had managed to convince him to agree to one more conversation. It had been the only way to get rid of her, which was absolutely necessary just then. Anna hadn’t shown any remorse at all about her betrayal, and the growing compulsion had made him furious. But later he made her understand and it subsided again.
He had walked all the way into town. Drove home and parked the car on the street, and then began his walk without going inside the flat. Followed the path along Arsta Cove and then the old Skanstull Bridge towards Soder. In Gotgatsbacken he passed one pub after another, but it only took one look through the big plate-glass windows to make him carry on. So many people. Even though it was a normal Thursday, people were jammed in everywhere and his courage failed him. He still wasn’t ready to go in anywhere.
Later it was so obvious that he would keep on walking, passing by all the pubs in Soder, continuing north across the locks at Slussen and into Gamla Stan, the Old Town, as if his walk had been predetermined.
He was halfway across Jarntorget, heading for Osterlanggatan, when he caught sight of her.
A window with a red awning.
On a bar stool, gazing straight out through the window, she sat alone slowly twirling an almost empty beer glass. He stopped abruptly. Stood quite still and stared at her.
The resemblance was striking.
The high cheekbones, the lips. How was it possible for anyone to be so similar? He hadn’t seen her eyes for a long time. Or the hands that never touched him.
So beautiful. So beautiful and utterly alive. Just like before.
He could feel the dull, heavy beats of his heart.
Suddenly she got up and moved farther back in the pub. He couldn’t bear losing sight of her. He hurried the last few metres across the square and without hesitation opened the door and went inside. She was standing by the bar. All fear suddenly gone, only a firm resolve that he had to be near her, hear her voice, speak to her.
The far end of the bar made a ninety-degree turn, and that’s where he sat so he could see her face. It almost made him stop breathing. There was almost an aura around her. All past longings, all beauty, all that was worthwhile gathered in this body, large as life before him.
Suddenly she turned her head and looked at him. He stopped breathing. Nothing could make him move his gaze from her eyes. She turned to the barman.
‘A pear cider, please.’
The barman took down a glass from the rack above his head and served the cider. She had no ring on her left hand.
‘That’ll be forty-eight kronor.’
She made a move towards her handbag and he didn’t hesitate an instant. Just let the words come as a matter of course.
‘May I buy that for you?’
She turned her eyes towards him again. He saw that she was hesitant and waited breathlessly for her decision. If she said no he would be finished.
Then she gave him a faint smile.
‘Certainly.’
Yet he wondered in confusion if it was actually joy he felt. He hadn’t felt this way for so long that he couldn’t identify the feeling. Only a certainty that everything was obvious, meant to be; there was nothing to be afraid of any more.
A complete, all-encompassing calm.
‘Thank you,’ he said.
How could he hide his gratitude? Relieved, he hurried to open his wallet.
‘I’ll have the same.’
He quickly put a hundred-krona bill on the bar and the barman gave him a glass. When he turned back to her
