He stood looking at her in silence.
‘What’s your name?’
He gave her that smile again. Utterly disarming. And then those eyes that went right through her, as if he really wanted to see into her. But her hatred was her own, he mustn’t see it, no one could see it. If anyone should see her shameful hatred, it would make her weak. She had to learn to act normal, otherwise she would never be able to carry out her plan.
She took another swallow.
Good Lord, he had to be at least ten years younger than she was. Quite harmless. He would be good to practise on. For a while he had made her forget that she was the one in control. His undisguised interest had made her uncertain, but that was actually her goal for the evening. He was standing right in front of her and offering her everything she had come here to find. She suddenly regarded him with new interest. He wanted her even though she was at least ten years older. Could she ask for better proof?
She smiled again.
‘My name is Linda.’
She was astounded to hear her own lie. And how easy it was to deliver it. Actually it wasn’t even a lie. It wasn’t talented Eva who was standing at the bar, it was some other woman. A woman who had put aside everything she believed in and without the slightest pang of conscience was scheming to achieve her goal and take what she wanted even if it actually belonged to someone else.
To a Linda.
‘Hi, Linda. Would you like another cider?’
She saw to her dismay that the glass was empty. In the next moment she was aware of her intoxication. Everything suddenly far away, only the moment was present. A restful moment in which nothing really mattered very much. Nothing to gain, nothing to lose. She had the whole night ahead of her.
‘Sure. Why not?’
He looked pleased and called over the barman.
‘Can we get another round?’
She got her glass and they sat on their bar stools, he with his knees touching her and she with her arms resting on the bar. The barman changed the tape and took a few dance steps when the intro to an old Earth, Wind and Fire song poured out of the loudspeakers. She couldn’t remember what it was called. But they used to play it at parties in high school.
They sat in silence for a while. She wasn’t sure that she felt like staying, but she should at least give him a chance. He was just as good as any other man. She took another sip of cider and looked around. More patrons had arrived. A group of middle-aged Englishmen came in the door. In the mirror behind the bar she could see between the bottles that the man named Jonas was still watching her.
‘May I pay you a compliment?’
She turned her head and met his intense gaze. It made her want to stay and enjoy his unfeigned admiration.
‘Sure, be my guest.’
‘This might sound silly, but I think I’ll say it anyway.’
Suddenly he seemed embarrassed and glanced away for a few seconds before he looked at her again.
‘Do you know that you’re the only person in here who looks really alive?’
She laughed and took another sip.
‘Oh no, that’s a good one. I haven’t heard that one before.’
He was serious now. Just sat silently and looked at her.
She waved her hand in an attempt to make light of his seriousness.
‘I think they all look fairly alive. They’re moving, at least.’
A hint of irritation. A crease between his dark eyebrows.
‘You can make a joke about it if you like, but I meant what I said. It was intended as a compliment. You have a kind of sad look in your eyes, but it’s obvious that you have a heart that really knows how to love.’
His words pierced the soothing calm.
A heart that really knows how to love. Ha!
Her heart was as black as a windowless cellar. No love would ever be able to survive in there any more. But right now she was sitting in a bar in Gamla Stan, she and this Jonas who talked like a bad poet and was ten years younger but who looked at her with a desire that she couldn’t recall ever experiencing. She felt a sudden longing that he would touch her, lose control and let loose all the desire she could see in his eyes. Prove that he couldn’t resist her. That she was worth loving.
The alcohol gave her the courage she needed.
She turned towards him and met his eyes before she placed her hand over his on the bar.
‘Is it far to your place?’
He lay utterly still, couldn’t move, as if split in two. One half filled with a satisfaction and an anticipation that he didn’t think it was possible to feel. Everything he had ever dreamed of.
Ten hours earlier he hadn’t even known that she existed and, now, in the short time he had known her, she had given him everything he could ever have desired. Trembling she had given herself to him, offered him her most sensitive places. The trust she showed had opened his mind wide, all was tenderness, an explosion when the loneliness cracked open.
And then the calm she created. Her confident hands over his skin covered him with a protective layer, purified him, set him free. All the desire that had so long chafed inside him had burst out and flowed into her. The emptiness was gone.
But then the devastating knowledge that he had no right to feel this way.
The other half contained the guilt.
Now it was proven. In a swift descent he had become a deceiver and a cheat. He had let Anna lie alone while he gave himself to another woman. Poured out all the desire he had been saving so long for her. That she should have received.
He was no better than his father.
She was gone when he woke up. Only a brown hair on the pillow proved that she had really been there. The hair, and the sated hunger of his skin.
They hadn’t said a word to each other. Their hands and bodies had told all they needed to know.
He sat up and was aware of the cold in the room. He had forgotten to turn on the heater when they came home. He wondered if she had felt cold. He turned the thermostat all the way up in the living room and the kitchen and went into the bathroom. The light was on and the blue-edged hand towel was tossed on the floor. He felt a slight pang of distaste but it couldn’t reach him. Her touch lay like a shield around him, an impenetrable armour, it couldn’t reach him any longer.
He hung up the towel and turned on the water in the bathtub, waited until it was half full and then climbed in. The hot water reminded him of her hands and he could feel his desire rise again. So many years he had forbidden himself to give in. Now he could no longer resist the urge, not even now after she had just left. What had she succeeded in waking inside him?
He sat down and leaned back. The memory of her nakedness was like a lifelong gift. He could see her before him. How she had closed her eyes and abandoned herself to the pleasure he could give her.
Her hands. Her lips. The taste of her. Her skin against his, united, no beginning, no end.
How could he have resisted her? She was everything he dreamed of. A vibrant woman who wanted to have him, take hold of him, love him. Made him reach a pleasure he didn’t think was possible. What terrible god could possibly demand that he say no?
He got up, climbed out of the bathtub and dried himself with the blue-edged hand towel. The one she must have just used. Suddenly he felt like crying. How could he touch Anna now that his hands were full to the brim with another woman?
With Linda.
