He would never be forgiven. Her punishment was to never forgive him. The rest of his life he would have to live with the knowledge that she never ever forgave him for what he did.
He stood up and looked at the body in the bed. So much time he had spent winning her love. And all he had in return was her betrayal.
He could swear that he saw a smile on her lips. She lay there thinking that she had won, that she got her revenge. As if all he had done for her was not enough to absolve the guilt.
‘I don’t need you. Do you hear that, you whore? I’ve met a real woman, a woman who loves me for who I am and not like you . . . like you . . . who can only feel love as a game, as something to amuse oneself with as long as there’s nothing more interesting going on.’
The sudden rage he felt surged through him and he spat out the words. He had to get her to react, make her understand that she had no more power over him, that she had not succeeded.
The door opened behind him and he turned around. Dr Sahlstedt came back, this time accompanied by the Monster Psychotherapist. They stopped abruptly inside the doorway and looked at him expectantly.
‘How are you doing?’
It was the woman with the piercing eyes who was speaking to him. She had on the same red jumper and stupid plastic necklace as the day before. The three neon pens in her breast pocket left him completely unmoved.
He smiled at her.
‘Let me tell you something. That necklace you’re wearing. You know, it’s probably the ugliest fucking necklace I’ve ever seen.’
Dr Sahlstedt stared at him. Yvonne Palmgren wasn’t so easily startled. She took a couple of steps to the foot of the bed.
‘I’m sorry for your loss.’
He smiled again.
‘Are you?’
He turned to the bed table and blew out the candle.
‘She does have a brother somewhere in Australia, but I don’t know how much grief he’s going to feel. So far, at least, he hasn’t made an appearance. I don’t know of anyone else who will care.’
Dr Sahlstedt came over to him and again placed an unwelcome hand on his shoulder.
‘Jonas. We know that this comes as a shock for you but . . .’
He took a step back to avoid the doctor’s touch.
‘You can do what you like with the body. She has nothing to do with me any longer.’
The other two in the room exchanged a brief glance.
‘Jonas, we have to . . .’
‘I don’t have to do anything. You wanted me to let go and move on. Well, that’s what I’m doing.’
Without looking at the body in the bed he threw out his hand in their direction.
‘Do whatever the hell you like.’
He went towards the door. He felt like he was floating. As if his feet weren’t really touching the plastic mat they were walking on.
‘Jonas! Wait a minute!’
They couldn’t stop him. Nothing could stop him. He was going to get out of here and never come back. He was going to eradicate the memory of all the minutes, hours, days he had wasted in his all-consuming yearning.
Outside, life was waiting.
The only thing she had achieved with her ingenious revenge was to give him back his freedom. The guilt was under control.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
One betrayal paid back with another.
He was free.
Now he was all Hers.
All he had to do now was go home and wait for Her to call.
Maybe she had slept for an hour or so when the clock radio went on, she didn’t know. She had spent the hours of dawn in a half-slumber, something inside her prevented her from sleeping properly, she had to be on guard. Asleep she was defenceless.
She reached out her arm and put off the alarm, got up and pulled on her robe. He lay there on the other side of the double bed, motionless and with his eyes closed; whether he was asleep or not it was impossible to tell. The distaste she felt made her wide awake. All feelings directed inward, in towards the dark. The fatigue could not reach her.
Nothing could reach her.
She leaned forward and slid her hands under Axel’s sleeping body. She carefully lifted him up, carried him from the room and pushed the bedroom door shut.
She sank down in the sofa in the living room and looked at his sleeping face. So innocent, so completely free of guilt. She closed her eyes and forced back the pain prompted by his closeness. He was the only one who made her feel vulnerable, and there was no room for weakness now. In some way she had to defend herself against the feelings he awakened in her. Shield herself. If she allowed herself to give in she was lost, a victim, poor Axel’s rejected mamma who had lost control over her life. Sometime in the future he would understand that she did it all for his sake. That she was the one who took responsibility and tried to protect him, not like his father.
‘Axel, you have to wake up now. It’s time to go to day-care.’
They arrived a bit late, just as she had planned. The children were already sitting on the floor in the playroom waiting for the session, and all the parents had hurried off to their jobs. Axel hung his jacket on the hook and at the same moment Linda came in from the kitchen with the fruit bowl in her hands.
‘Hi, Axel.’
‘Hi.’
A quick smile in her direction and then her gaze on Axel again.
‘Come on, Axel, let’s go in. The session is starting soon.’
There was a calm about her. The hatred felt almost enjoyable. All her energy was focused and she herself was without guilt. None of this ever had to happen, they were the ones who were forcing her. It was odd how a couple of unfamiliar earrings in one’s shower could sharpen the senses.
Her words sharpened to spear tips.
‘Oh Linda, have you got a moment? There’s something I have to say.’
She could see a glint of fear in the other woman’s eyes and was enjoying her power.
‘Yes, of course. Axel, go in and sit down, then I’ll come in and we can wave out the window.’
He did as she said. Maybe he could sense her resolve. He vanished into the playroom and she turned back to Linda, looked at her for a while, conscious of the nervousness her silence was creating. Linda stood perfectly still. Only the fruit bowl in her hands was shaking.
‘Well, it’s like this . . . it’s a bit difficult to talk about but . . . I still wanted to do it for Axel’s sake.’
She fell silent again, resting in her advantage.
‘It’s just that . . . we’re having a few problems at home right now, Henrik and I, and I thought it would be good if you heard about it, with regard to Axel, I mean. I don’t know how aware he is but . . . in any case I do know how much he relies on you here at day-care, and it will probably be even more important for a while until we’ve managed to sort all this out.’
Linda’s eyes searched the room in the hope of finding something to fix her gaze on.
‘I see.’
I see? Weren’t you the one who was so damned fantastic to talk with?
‘I just wanted to tell you this, for Axel’s sake.’
‘Sure. Naturally.’
They stood motionless. It was clear that Linda wanted nothing more than to be allowed to leave. Maybe this
